Emotional Regulation in Toddlers
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Anonymous
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How do I help my daughter who struggles with emotional regulation? She's 3 and when told no or basically anytime she can't do precisely what she wants she loses control and sometimes can't seem to get herself calmed down for 30-45 minutes or longer. When she loses control she tends to run around singing or screaming and throwing stuff and if you get close to her she will try to kick you/hit you (she knows we are coming to take her to a place to help her calm down and she doesn't want that). One the one hand I think this is fairly normal 3 year old behavior, i.e. she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. On the other hand I think the level of the running and screaming and the duration it lasts is a bit unusual, especially combined with the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything we can do to help end it sooner. We've tried talking about big feelings, and have read all the books on big feelings. In calm moments we've tried to give her other strategies than running and screaming. We've been at it for more than 6 months and there seems to be no change in her behavior either good or bad. Our current strategy is just ignoring her as much as possible and waiting for her to stop on her own as long as she isn't hurting herself, anyone else or being too destructive. Usually she stops after 30-45 minutes, sometimes faster, sometimes longer. Her preschool has also commented on this behavior, but so far don't have any suggestions, and haven't come up with a way to control it either, so sometimes we get called to pick her up.
If I wanted to be proactive about trying to manage this what would I do? Does she need to see a developmental pediatrician? Someone else? |
Anonymous
| Also following. My toddler only lasts 5 minutes max but it’s still really hard for me to deal with. OP, just want to offer sympathy for such long meltdowns; that sounds really rough. |
Anonymous
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OP, I recall reading that long tantrums on a regular basis like this are not normal at age 3, but you may want to double check that. My 3 yo can have some pretty bad tantrums (30+ minutes), but they don't happen regularly and typically it's because she didn't sleep well.
Either way, it sounds like it is very difficult to deal with, and there's no harm in getting help. I would take a multipronged approach: - Talk to your pediatrician - Get an assessment from Child Find - Look for private therapists that specialize in treating young children. For the last one you may want to look into PCIT therapy which is designed for dealing with behavior issues in young children (the idea is the therapist trains the parents in the strategies). |
Anonymous
| I’d look into a meeting with your pediatrician to rule out medical reasons and look into getting a neuropsych evaluation. This is not typical and could be indicative of other things going on. You might also try early intervention services if they are young enough to qualify. |
Anonymous
| We've found that saying "no" brings one unpleasant response but saying "Yes, after dinner" or "Yes, when you're better at listening" or "Yes, tomorrow after your nap" brings a much more pleasant response. |
Anonymous
If she is too old for EI, she will be age-eligible for services from the public school. |
Anonymous
You have an easy kid then. |
Anonymous
This doesn't work for us because she sees it as the equivalent of no. She wants to go outside and play but its time to eat dinner, we say "Yes, we'll go outside to play after dinner" and she tantrums. Sometimes we can compromise and do something like eat dinner outside and we do that when we can and sometimes it avoids the tantrum but not always because we still aren't playing outside but instead we are eating dinner outside. We've tried play outside for 5 minutes and then eat dinner and that just causes the tantrum 5 minutes later. |
Anonymous
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It's the duration and intensity, OP. This was my son at three. We did all the same things-the books, the talking, the timeouts, etc. Nothing worked. By five he was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Speaking from that experience, if you wait it will only get worse and more destructive.
Not trying to internet diagnose for you as it could be a few things, but please get on a waitlist for a child psychologist. The process can take months. In the meantime, schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to discuss. I'd also look up the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. That was eye-opening for us. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP and wanted to add this link (https://www.additudemag.com/toddler-tantrums-adhd-emotions-early-signs/). I wish I'd found it when he was three. It would have saved two more years and a Kindergarten start from hell. Please take a look and see if your DD hits on any of the other symptoms. There's also a helpful comparison of what is developmental age appropriate behavior. Very helpful. Again, not trying to internet diagnose, but the more knowledge you have, the better prepared you'll be. |
Anonymous
Funny, this goes worse for me. This just invites whining. We have to use a solid "no" if things aren't going to happen immediately. |
Anonymous
I think of him as averagely behaved, but had a friend over Sunday and she watched him be well behaved and polite and charming and then for an hour and a half be difficult and contrary and I had to take him to another room to give him a big talk before he was able to pull it together and go back to his good behavior. I apologized and she said she'd never seen the terrible 2's last only 90 minutes. I think he wasn't feeling well. But that bad behavior can happen a few times a week. |
Anonymous
| This is us. We are meeting with a child psychologist next week. We are pretty sure it's ADHD. |
Anonymous
| Give her a choice of something to do instead. |
Anonymous
Same. It worked at a younger age, but by 3, it was whine, whine, whine. |