Emotional Regulation in Toddlers

[Anonymous]

I’m all for using a variety of strategies to say no, but I think something valuable we can do as parents is teach our kids that they cannot get everything they want - and that starts with no. It’s about boundaries, safety, disappointment, etc. I have a stubborn 3 year old, but when she gets told no and has a tantrum (not super often, but it happens) it only lasts about 5-10 minutes. What makes her tantrums worse are not enough sleep and inconsistency. If those things aren’t present and there aren’t other big changes like moving, starting school, new sibling, and other disruptions to routine then I would talk to her ped

[Anonymous]

Similar experience as what you describe - my DC is slightly older. 4 has been better than 3 in our case. But we also did PCIT as someone else suggested and it was really helpful and effective. And it was helpful to have a trained professional say oh this is in the range of normal or no that behavior is not. I would look into it. And as others have said, get evaluations by your doctor and child find - I was hesitant but our preschool pushed us to (we also had to pick him up early due to behavior, it’s the worst) and it was the right choice. If there is something going on, it’ll be helpful to figure it out before Kindergarten and get her on the right path. There is a big range of normal behavior but the length of time of these tantrums does seem like something to check out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I help my daughter who struggles with emotional regulation? She's 3 and when told no or basically anytime she can't do precisely what she wants she loses control and sometimes can't seem to get herself calmed down for 30-45 minutes or longer. When she loses control she tends to run around singing or screaming and throwing stuff and if you get close to her she will try to kick you/hit you (she knows we are coming to take her to a place to help her calm down and she doesn't want that). One the one hand I think this is fairly normal 3 year old behavior, i.e. she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. On the other hand I think the level of the running and screaming and the duration it lasts is a bit unusual, especially combined with the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything we can do to help end it sooner. We've tried talking about big feelings, and have read all the books on big feelings. In calm moments we've tried to give her other strategies than running and screaming. We've been at it for more than 6 months and there seems to be no change in her behavior either good or bad. Our current strategy is just ignoring her as much as possible and waiting for her to stop on her own as long as she isn't hurting herself, anyone else or being too destructive. Usually she stops after 30-45 minutes, sometimes faster, sometimes longer. Her preschool has also commented on this behavior, but so far don't have any suggestions, and haven't come up with a way to control it either, so sometimes we get called to pick her up.

If I wanted to be proactive about trying to manage this what would I do? Does she need to see a developmental pediatrician? Someone else?

My kid is like this and was throughout the 3s - he still is at 4.5 and our tantrums last over an hour. It’s gotten better but it’s still garbage. So the answer is I think it’s normal and you endure every day and dreaming of when they’re 18 and out of your house. Can you tell today has been one of this garbage days with a tantrum at every moment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the duration and intensity, OP. This was my son at three. We did all the same things-the books, the talking, the timeouts, etc. Nothing worked. By five he was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Speaking from that experience, if you wait it will only get worse and more destructive.

Not trying to internet diagnose for you as it could be a few things, but please get on a waitlist for a child psychologist. The process can take months. In the meantime, schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to discuss. I'd also look up the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. That was eye-opening for us.

I'm the PP and wanted to add this link (https://www.additudemag.com/toddler-tantrums-adhd-emotions-early-signs/). I wish I'd found it when he was three. It would have saved two more years and a Kindergarten start from hell. Please take a look and see if your DD hits on any of the other symptoms. There's also a helpful comparison of what is developmental age appropriate behavior. Very helpful. Again, not trying to internet diagnose, but the more knowledge you have, the better prepared you'll be.

I am surprised that 3 or more tantrums per week is considered ADHD sign. My almost 4 yo still has 1 or 2 a week and I could easily see 3 being a regular occurrence for some kids.

[Anonymous]

Is something else happening in her life? I’ve seen this happen twice (long, major tantrums with kicking and screaming over 30 minutes) and in both cases they were coincidental with parents divorcing. Therapy followed and the children grew out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do I help my daughter who struggles with emotional regulation? She's 3 and when told no or basically anytime she can't do precisely what she wants she loses control and sometimes can't seem to get herself calmed down for 30-45 minutes or longer. When she loses control she tends to run around singing or screaming and throwing stuff and if you get close to her she will try to kick you/hit you (she knows we are coming to take her to a place to help her calm down and she doesn't want that). One the one hand I think this is fairly normal 3 year old behavior, i.e. she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. On the other hand I think the level of the running and screaming and the duration it lasts is a bit unusual, especially combined with the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything we can do to help end it sooner. We've tried talking about big feelings, and have read all the books on big feelings. In calm moments we've tried to give her other strategies than running and screaming. We've been at it for more than 6 months and there seems to be no change in her behavior either good or bad. Our current strategy is just ignoring her as much as possible and waiting for her to stop on her own as long as she isn't hurting herself, anyone else or being too destructive. Usually she stops after 30-45 minutes, sometimes faster, sometimes longer. Her preschool has also commented on this behavior, but so far don't have any suggestions, and haven't come up with a way to control it either, so sometimes we get called to pick her up.

If I wanted to be proactive about trying to manage this what would I do? Does she need to see a developmental pediatrician? Someone else?

My kid is like this and was throughout the 3s - he still is at 4.5 and our tantrums last over an hour. It’s gotten better but it’s still garbage. So the answer is I think it’s normal and you endure every day and dreaming of when they’re 18 and out of your house. Can you tell today has been one of this garbage days with a tantrum at every moment?

That’s insane. What do you do for the hour he screams?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the duration and intensity, OP. This was my son at three. We did all the same things-the books, the talking, the timeouts, etc. Nothing worked. By five he was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Speaking from that experience, if you wait it will only get worse and more destructive.

Not trying to internet diagnose for you as it could be a few things, but please get on a waitlist for a child psychologist. The process can take months. In the meantime, schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to discuss. I'd also look up the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. That was eye-opening for us.

I am in the same boat with my child OP. It took 8 months on the waitlist to begin treatment. Meet with your pediatrician and get on a waitlisting as it may take a looong time to finally get an appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do I help my daughter who struggles with emotional regulation? She's 3 and when told no or basically anytime she can't do precisely what she wants she loses control and sometimes can't seem to get herself calmed down for 30-45 minutes or longer. When she loses control she tends to run around singing or screaming and throwing stuff and if you get close to her she will try to kick you/hit you (she knows we are coming to take her to a place to help her calm down and she doesn't want that). One the one hand I think this is fairly normal 3 year old behavior, i.e. she throws a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants. On the other hand I think the level of the running and screaming and the duration it lasts is a bit unusual, especially combined with the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything we can do to help end it sooner. We've tried talking about big feelings, and have read all the books on big feelings. In calm moments we've tried to give her other strategies than running and screaming. We've been at it for more than 6 months and there seems to be no change in her behavior either good or bad. Our current strategy is just ignoring her as much as possible and waiting for her to stop on her own as long as she isn't hurting herself, anyone else or being too destructive. Usually she stops after 30-45 minutes, sometimes faster, sometimes longer. Her preschool has also commented on this behavior, but so far don't have any suggestions, and haven't come up with a way to control it either, so sometimes we get called to pick her up.

If I wanted to be proactive about trying to manage this what would I do? Does she need to see a developmental pediatrician? Someone else?

My kid is like this and was throughout the 3s - he still is at 4.5 and our tantrums last over an hour. It’s gotten better but it’s still garbage. So the answer is I think it’s normal and you endure every day and dreaming of when they’re 18 and out of your house. Can you tell today has been one of this garbage days with a tantrum at every moment?

This is not normal. You need to see someone.

[Anonymous]

I was a PP, but just reread that she does this in preschool. That’s a big flag to me.

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you what my pediatrician would say about this.

She'd tell you to ignore the behavior. If your child will hurt herself if you ignore the tantrum then you may need to place her in a safe area or even put a helmet on her. She'd also say that you need 7 positive interactions for every one negative interaction and encourage you to heap more praise on the child in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll tell you what my pediatrician would say about this.

She'd tell you to ignore the behavior. If your child will hurt herself if you ignore the tantrum then you may need to place her in a safe area or even put a helmet on her. She'd also say that you need 7 positive interactions for every one negative interaction and encourage you to heap more praise on the child in general.

This is TERRIBLE advice. And it’s also why you don’t ask the pediatrician for behavioral or psychological advice.

[Anonymous]

Mine is/was like that. She is 5 now and has been diagnosed with anxiety and sensory processing disorder.

[Anonymous]

What does her typical day look like, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll tell you what my pediatrician would say about this.

She'd tell you to ignore the behavior. If your child will hurt herself if you ignore the tantrum then you may need to place her in a safe area or even put a helmet on her. She'd also say that you need 7 positive interactions for every one negative interaction and encourage you to heap more praise on the child in general.

Yikes, FYI your pediatrician is bad at this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll tell you what my pediatrician would say about this.

She'd tell you to ignore the behavior. If your child will hurt herself if you ignore the tantrum then you may need to place her in a safe area or even put a helmet on her. She'd also say that you need 7 positive interactions for every one negative interaction and encourage you to heap more praise on the child in general.

This is TERRIBLE advice. And it’s also why you don’t ask the pediatrician for behavioral or psychological advice.

Exactly. Huge lesson learned for us. We went to the pediatrician because as first time parents we didn't know what to do when our son was headbanging at home and daycare (between 18 months and two years). We were told it was fine because he made eye contact. Guess what we missed...early intervention services when he was finally diagnosed with HFA at 5 by a neuropsychologist.