Spin Off - Grieving the spouse I lost to mental illness
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Anonymous
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When DH and I met 25+ years ago, he was kind and loving. At some point, mental illness reared its ugly head and his personality changed. He’s now abusive. We have multiple kids (yes, I know, I wouldn’t have had them if I knew he was mentally ill, but he didn’t start showing symptoms until later). They’re teens now and all have mental health issues related to his. One is fully ODD/defiant/explosive. I am so, so tired and burned out.
Reading the grieving parent and cutting off mom threads, and am actually jealous for the ability to get distance from these abusive situations. DH helps with the kids during his “sane” periods and god knows I need this help because the kids are extremely difficult. Divorce isn’t an option because he would wreak havoc during the process, and frankly I can’t handle such difficult kids alone. At the same time, I also grieve for my kids who can’t get the mental health help and support they need. I am verbally berated daily. I’m left holding together the carnage. Sometimes I literally just want to die because my situation feels so hopeless (I’m would never go through with it, just a response to the cold reality of my situation). |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry OP. I cannot relate but I see you and your struggles. I wish you relief and happiness. |
Anonymous
| Is he in treatment? |
Anonymous
| Your DH and your kids with mental issues could all be exposed to the same environmental factors. I'm a problem solver, but if I were in your shoes I would be researching all possibilities -- mold, lyme disease, contaminants in the water pipes like lead, chronic strep, whether symptoms began after a move, etc. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry. I have one child with mental illness and that exhausts me. I think you’re amazing for holding it together. |
Anonymous
NP. I know this response tried to come from a good place but it’s so unhelpful. Some problems cannot be solved. I get it, OP. My parents are both mentally ill. I allow myself to grieve and feel bad for never having a real family. It’s the reality, and it hurts, and you acknowledge it and then you can move on. |
Anonymous
| My advice to you is to consider working with a therapist for support and to help you get out of the victim mindset. You are stuck, but you don't have to be. There is hope for a better life for you and your family. I wish you well. |
Anonymous
You don't know that. They are constantly finding out causes for mental illnesses. In fact, as I suggested, the issues could come from sources we've already learned about but most people don't consider. |
Anonymous
| OP, does he see an issue? Is he willing to get help? My mother is highly abusive, but on anti-anxiety medication she can cope with life and be a decent person. |
Anonymous
Do you feel like your kids aren't getting adequate mental health care because it's hard to access services (so hard  ), because your husband is blocking services, because your husband is creating a home environment that isn't conducive to supporting the kids?
Have you considered moving out? I know that is really extreme, but this sounds like a really horrible situation that could break you. Maybe if you leave, even for a couple weeks, your husband could see that the family is in crisis. [I'm divorced and I understand that this is a high risk strategy, but as you point out you don't have good options.] |
Anonymous
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OP, my heart goes out to you, my ex is mentally ill and so is one child, but not the other and it still feels impossible.
Splitting just added stress, conflict and strained finances more. There really are no easy solutions. I found some helpful support through a NAMI group and through Al Anon, there is also Alateen. Ex is not an alcoholic but the issues around grief, chaos and dysfunction are the same. I know treatments are imperfect and can be difficult to access but has your DH seen a good neuropsych? Or is he resistant and inconsistent with compliance as my ex is? Or feeling hopeless, another mindset my ex goes into. Definitely grieve, and get yourself as much support as you can from people who get it. The groups I mentioned above have Zoom as well as in person options. I sometimes wonder if there were signs I missed, family history that was not shared, but I try to stay focused on the now. Hugs to you, OP! |
Anonymous
| ^ I try to stay focused on the now. |
Anonymous
| Call NAMI for resources for you as support |
Anonymous
| Sending you love and light, OP. I hope you get your life back as the kids get older. You may be able to divorce after your youngest is 18 to relieve some of the carnage and abuse. Stay strong and look to better days ahead. |
Anonymous
NP. Seconding this. I don't know what the exact term would be, but I"m wondering if there is any kind of "familywide mental health coordinator," like there are coordinators who help caregivers navigate situations like having two impaired elderly parents, or an adult child with severe developmental disabilities. Coordinating treatment, transportation to treatment, schedules, home help to take things off your plate. I know, your kids and DH are not in those situations (physical issues, developmental disabilities etc.) but I wonder if anyone here can say if they found a point person who helped look at ALL the coordinated options for a family with multiple mental illnesses among members--? This is the kind of thing that a NAMI family support group could help you with. An online group might fit into your life when an in-person one can't. I really hope you can get into a support group with others in your exact situation--strangers here can give only limited sympathy but a group puts you in touch with others who have absolutely been there themselves. |