If you never had/never wanted children by choice
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Anonymous
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Disclaimer: I have children. It’s harder than I thought it would be, I’m still happy overall, but I find myself reflecting a lot on what my expectations were versus reality and who can truly prepare themselves for this. I’m mostly surrounded by people who also have kids so it feels normative. But I know many people choose not to, and I am curious why, if anyone is willing to share. I guess I’m surprised there weren’t more conversations about this as a grew up and feel a bit that my mother was so overboard about having kids being so rewarding to the point it probably blinded me a bit. (She was fine and kept me mostly safe and healthy but in retrospect not an amazing mother as she might think).
Are there families/cultures where people talk more about the deliberate choice not to have kids? If you didn’t was it just an obvious choice to you? Did you have experience with younger children growing up that shaped your decision (I did not). Did you research or talk to people or you always knew? I am wondering about how my own children will develop or inherit subconscious views about having kids. |
Anonymous
| If people knew how hard it was, we would become extinct. |
Anonymous
| If there was full disclosure, there would be fewer parents. |
Anonymous
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I had a very rosy view of parenthood (before I became a parent). I’m going to be very candid with my children about the many trade-offs you have to make to become a parent, particularly in our strangely anti-parent/anti-child society.
I adore my kids and would do it all over again, but boy is it challenging. |
Anonymous
| Wife and I are decided early on in our relationship that we didn't want children. It's not that we dislike children; it is just that we really enjoy the freedom and flexibility that comes with not having them...the freedom to change careers, travel, relocate, etc. without having to worry about the impact on toddlers. I understand that people with children can, in fact, change jobs, travel, etc., but I think that it is significantly more difficult with children than without. I will add that I think it is a shame the amount of pressure often placed on people to have children, as if you can't be truly fulfilled without them. I'm glad some people enjoy being parents, but a number of friends and close relatives have confided in me that although they love their children to death, if they could do it all over again, they would make different life choices. |
Anonymous
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I will speak only for myself/DH and how our decision was reached. We are almost 50, and made the permanent decision when we were, I think 32 or 33 when DH was able to convince a Dr to give him a vasectomy. A lot of time and careful thinking went into the decision, and we did talk to several older coworkers and friends who did not have kids and said they did not regret the choice. We have been married almost 30 years, we are each other's best friend and fiercest ally - for context.
When we were in our late 20s and finishing up grad school/just launching careers, we started the discussion of kids - when, how many, etc. We are both very logical/analytical thinkers and we looked at kids much like a major purchase - because kids are a huge investment and you can't return them if you get one you don't like, you're stuck with what you get, there are no guarantees here. You can't go shopping and pick out the best one on the shelf. We watched a lot of our friends deal with special needs kids, and even the "normal" kid raising didn't look like fun, it just looked like... more work. And as much as women want to think we have made progress, the bulk of child rearing falls to us. Yes, there are some equal-share partnerships with child rearing, but if we're honest, most work falls on the mother of the kids and honestly, I didn't want to do that after slogging through an 8 hour workday then have to be the "on" parent for the rest of the day/week/year/life. I've watched almost all of my friends with kids harbor some sort of resentment towards their spouses when it comes to their kids - they don't say it outright, but the nonverbals and snarky comments come out in conversations. Almost 3/4 of our coupled friends with kids divorced within 5 years of having kids - watching that happen was eye-opening. Then there are the financial aspects of it, which is a lot. I wish more people would really sit down and think about kids, not just the warm fuzzy stuff, but the hard stuff that comes with it, if you do it right. Because maybe if people thought about it, the time, expense, heartache, hard work, sleepless nights, the worrying, we would not have so many kids in trouble these days. |
Anonymous
| You have to live with your life choices op and accept that you can’t go back. This was a choice that can’t be un-done. Some of us are just more independent, self-aware and analytical which you should be to make a choice that will affect you for every single day of your life going forward. My thoughts are - how could you not think about this? Happily married (27 yrs) and childfree forever here. |
Anonymous
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So I have kids but I was raised in a family where childfree by choice was openly discussed. I have four aunts -- two have children, two do not (by choice). The two who don't have kids are actually the two who are closest to my parents so we saw a lot of them growing up. My mother rarely romanticized children -- she always claimed to not like any except the ones she related to.
I have two sisters. One is married with children, one is married and childfree by choice, and I'm a single parent by choice. I think having a family that affirmed many different ways to make a family and live a fulfilled adult life was good for us having the confidence to choose what we really wanted rather than just going along with cultural expectations. Neither my childfree sister or I had really extensive experience with children growing up -- we both babysat but usually elementary school kids and not often. I think our opinions of what we wanted out of life were formed less by direct experience and more an innate sense of what we wanted from our futures; what we saw our friends achieving that made us wistful. I will also note I have many childfree friends, and most of them did NOT come from my type of family -- a lot of their confidence is hardwon against family pressure to procreate. I'm always very impressed that they were able to realize what was right for them and fight for it. I also have some friends who may decide in future to have kids (one just got engaged and has shifted from NO CHILDREN EVER of two years ago to well maybe someday we'll see); some people especially women see the challenge raising children and don't feel ready in their 20s but may decide to go for it in their 30s if they have a supportive partner. |
Anonymous
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There are a number of social media channels dedicated to this type of discussion. That could be a good place to get a peek into what life is like, and the decision making process.
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Anonymous
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I grew up in a stable, loving family with two parents who could not have been more supportive. I just never wanted kids, and knew that from a very early age. It actually never even occurred to me that young people might have a different view until I had a really revealing conversation with a good friend at age 16, and she already knew she did want kids - three of them (which is what she has now, in our late 40s).
I guess to the extent that my parents raised me to be independent and make decisions for myself, I didn't feel pressure to change my mind about kids. But certainly that was the default assumption, that I would - and I had to push back about it (never got a huge backlash, which I appreciate). My sibling has two wonderful kids - one of whom is profoundly disabled - and they are the apples of all our eyes. My parents love being grandkids, my sister loves being a mother. And now, almost 50, I still feel good about not having kids. In my 20s, I still walked around assuming most people felt like I did - and I think at least one relationship with a guy I really loved fell apart in part because I was so open about that, and he didn't push back at all; took me at my word, and went on to have kids with someone else. And good for him for being that self-aware! Anyway: yeah. My not wanting kids is no reflection of the family I grew up in, other than that I was given the freedom to figure out for myself what I did and didn't want. |
Anonymous
| I know MANY people (myself included) that wanted 3-4 kids and stopped at 1. You don't really understand hyperemesis gravidarum, colic or ppd until you're in the throws of it. |
Anonymous
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Do any of you worry about old age and being by yourself? Not saying that your kids will 100% be there for you but in the majority of instances your kids will help.
My dad has an aunt and uncle who never had any kids. He is now taking care of them since they are in their late 80s/early 90s and having health issues. Not sure what would have happened if he didn't step up. My mom is one of 4 kids and they all helped with their aging parents. We have family friends who never had kids and the wife sort of just went batty. She never worked (even though she never had kids) and is just super odd like she lost direction in her life. |
Anonymous
I am not familiar with most social media - do you mean YouTube or Instagram or certain bloggers? |
Anonymous
I don't worry about it per se but I do acknowledge that this is something I have to do my best to plan for. I also think that I am open to assisted suicide at a certain point in life. I fully acknowledge that there is no way to know if I will feel that way later. I often frame it as the 5 years at the end of my life are not any more important (or don't deserve more sacrifice/compromise?) than any other five in my life. This sounds more cut and dry on paper than how I think about it, but in short, if I don't want to raise a family for 25 years, I should not do so to attempt to insure some particular outcome for the last 5-10. I have not chimed in upthread yet, but to answer some of the other questions, I think I saw how much work it was and how much of the mental and physical load (typically) falls to the mother and I did not want to engage in that. I remember the first time I said out loud that I did not want children, i was shocked by peoples shocked response (at about 20?). That said, it's a huge decision and I spent a lot of time thinking about it and making sure my husband understood the timeline related to women's fertility and we decided together not to have kids. I wanted the door firmly shut at 40 and I had to force that discussion. I did not want to have this happen passively and him have any regrets or resentment. |
Anonymous
Oh I’m definitely living it  There’s just more to the reality that my analysis and self reflection truly didn’t anticipate. Actually most of the things I was focused on/worried about were the wrong thing. (Terrified of having a baby but that was probably the easiest part of the whole process).
But as I said in my post, I’m interested in the decision making process of people who chose not to. And thinking about as some other posters have put, the default assumption of having kids. There must be certain cultural/familial expectations out there and I’m interested in why that appears so strong despite what people living the experience often say (ranging from “yes harder than I expected” to “I’d make a difference choice if I could go back in time”). What was your choice based on? |