Reply to Encourage DH to turn down a gift because you know it comes with strings attached?

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[quote=Anonymous]
DH has all discussions about this with them. Not you. DH. Their son. But you of course should be 100 percent partnering with him on how he will respond.

If his parents actually said out loud previously that they realized they have attached strings in the past, and they will change, here's what I'd advise DH to do:

Talk to them and say he and you like the idea of the trip but he will only say yes to it if everyone is crystal clear that [i]this is his birthday and/or holiday gift for this year. Period.[/i]

Zero other gifts and if they give him any, he'll politely but firmly return those gifts to them because the trip was his gift. And that if they are willing to stick to the deal that this is in place of ANY other birthday and holiday gifts, then he's pleased to say yes. I actually would also say (DH says it...not you...): "You remember we had that talk about gifts and strings or expectations being attached. This is why I'm saying I can accept this if it's your birthday present to me and without any strings after the fact." In other words, if they were sincere about being sorry for previous behaviors, they will accept what he says and be able to hear him repeat that they have attached strings in the past and promised to change. Adults should be able to say out loud, "This sounds like previous situations with gifts, and we need to clarify before I accept anything." He shouldn't have to tiptoe around their past behaviors re: gifts,  especially if this has been discussed before!

Then go and ENJOY. If after the fact, they try to play the "But we gave you that trip" or "But we babysat the kids for X WHOLE DAYS and Sally had a cold and....and...." card, to get something they want, your DH puts on a big, happy smile and says, "Yes, the trip and the sitting were so appreciated! We'll always be grateful for that wonderful birthday present from you, so generously given without strings attached. Pass the potatoes please." Or another change of topic. Every. Single. Time. It's a birthday gift, hooray, thanks mom and dad! The birthday (or holiday) thing is so that DH can say every time that it was his birthday present, and move on. It would be harder for them to keep pressing that they want or need something, while reminding him of The Big Trip We Gave You, if that trip is NOT an out-of-the-blue extra but a specific gift for a specific gift-giving [i]occasion[/i].

This could actually be a good test of whether they are going to slip back into old ways or move on. If your DH is clear and frank with them now, it could be a good thing, giving you and DH a nice break, and letting the in-laws show that they really can give a gift without strings. [/quote]

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