Nervous about seeing relative at wake

[Anonymous]

My dad’s wake is coming up, which means I will be seeing a lot of family members including my BIL who I do not get along with.

We got into a major verbal spat last year over parenting styles and he was extremely critical of both me and my son.

I will be at the wake with my infant, my son, husband and MIL, who said she would run interference and distract my son with coloring books and other activities since we will be there for about two hours. My sister’s kids who will also be there have gotten along for the most part with my son but they too have had their moments and issues getting along.

I’m nervous and want advice on how to handle avoiding getting in any more spats. I don’t want any drama at this important event to honor my dad.

[Anonymous]

Small smile and say hello if he approaches you. If he says he is sorry for your loss, say thank you, I appreciate that.

Other than that, really try to avoid him. When you see him coming start heading the other direction. Stay engaged in conversation with others. Fake a phone call if you have to. Get out of the room if you can.

If he really tries to start in, just say, “Bill, I am really sad and stressed and I don’t think I can have a productive conversation about this right now.” And if he persists, walk over to your sister (or SIL? Not sure how this relation fits in) and tell her that you are sad and stressed and you can’t handle her husband approaching you with negativity right now, and ask her to please keep him away from you.

[Anonymous]

So he is your sister’s husband?
Combination grey rock, avoid, ask your sister to help ensure all goes smoothly.

[Anonymous]

Ask your MIL to take your son OUT if he gets loud or whiny.

[Anonymous]

OP, be powerful. You can be powerful. That means not allowing a spat. You can do this. Distance. Physical distance.

[Anonymous]

Ignore him. Only say hello if spoken to. Other than that, keep your distance. Not that it matters, but how old is your son? Toddler or age 10?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore him. Only say hello if spoken to. Other than that, keep your distance. Not that it matters, but how old is your son? Toddler or age 10?

6

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don’t want any drama at this important event to honor my dad.

Just remind yourself to take the high road and avoid him as much as possible. Then if he causes drama, it's not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Find a phrase “this is not the time” 0will you please excuse me”, something to get you away from him if he is horrible enough to disrespect you at this emotionally hard event.

[Anonymous]

Your son is 6, and barring special needs, should be able to behave, but I'd still not have him, or sibling, there for full two hours. Have your husband come with the kids for about an hour.

Be polite but distant to BIL. "Hi. Thank you for coming." Then move on. A spat is pretty mild, you aren't talking about an assault or even an argument. You will be in a crowd of people. Also, barring you have any special needs, you should be able to handle it..

[Anonymous]

I've been through this. (I had an emergency xanex just in case since that year I dealt with so many medical emergencies with a dying parent.) Didn't need the pill. I just stayed away and remained polite and distant when we had to interact. I had a list of emergency exit strategies in my mind just in case. I also had a reward plan for when we got home-don't recall what it was, but something healthy I would normally not purchase. The person did behave in a very rude and immature manner toward me at 2 different occasions while there, but there were witnesses and I was so relieved others saw. I remained calm and professional.

[Anonymous]

I want to make another suggestion no one here has offered, which is hire a babysitter for your baby and 6 year old and don't have them attend the wake. I don't know if it will be open or closed casket, but it can be weird for kids to see dead bodies. Many kids take it in stride, but some sensitive kids do not. You may not really need your kids there to honor your father -- your infant won't remember it and your 6 year old quite possibly won't either. I remember going to my aunt's wake when I was 9 and it messed me up for a while, couldn't sleep for several nights, just laid awake thinking about death and how at one point I'd be dead too and would stop having a physical existence.

Anyway, you could save your kids from dealing with the wake and save yourself from having to deal with some confrontation with your BIL about your son. Not that your BIL should be confronting you and being a dick. But you could fairly easily mostly avoid most of this problem except direct interaction between you and BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to make another suggestion no one here has offered, which is hire a babysitter for your baby and 6 year old and don't have them attend the wake. I don't know if it will be open or closed casket, but it can be weird for kids to see dead bodies. Many kids take it in stride, but some sensitive kids do not. You may not really need your kids there to honor your father -- your infant won't remember it and your 6 year old quite possibly won't either. I remember going to my aunt's wake when I was 9 and it messed me up for a while, couldn't sleep for several nights, just laid awake thinking about death and how at one point I'd be dead too and would stop having a physical existence.

Anyway, you could save your kids from dealing with the wake and save yourself from having to deal with some confrontation with your BIL about your son. Not that your BIL should be confronting you and being a dick. But you could fairly easily mostly avoid most of this problem except direct interaction between you and BIL.

I’m taking this advice and running with it.

It would be a logistical nightmare pulling my son out of daycare and my son out of camp. My son is also very stressed out about his grandfather’s
death.

But: will my mom be angry that they didn’t come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to make another suggestion no one here has offered, which is hire a babysitter for your baby and 6 year old and don't have them attend the wake. I don't know if it will be open or closed casket, but it can be weird for kids to see dead bodies. Many kids take it in stride, but some sensitive kids do not. You may not really need your kids there to honor your father -- your infant won't remember it and your 6 year old quite possibly won't either. I remember going to my aunt's wake when I was 9 and it messed me up for a while, couldn't sleep for several nights, just laid awake thinking about death and how at one point I'd be dead too and would stop having a physical existence.

Anyway, you could save your kids from dealing with the wake and save yourself from having to deal with some confrontation with your BIL about your son. Not that your BIL should be confronting you and being a dick. But you could fairly easily mostly avoid most of this problem except direct interaction between you and BIL.

I’m taking this advice and running with it.

It would be a logistical nightmare pulling my son out of daycare and my son out of camp. My son is also very stressed out about his grandfather’s
death.

But: will my mom be angry that they didn’t come?

You know best how your mom will feel, but here are a few options re how to present it to her in the best light:

* The wake experience isn't how you want your son to remember your grandfather; you want him to remember the good times they had together and not his dead body in a coffin.
* If your mom is expecting your kids to go, that means you probably went to wakes when you were a kid, too. Do you remember any of them and would any of those memories support the idea that your sons might not really need to go?
* Bringing your kids to the wake is a little more complicated than you feel like you could properly deal with right now when you are also dealing with feelings about your father's death, but would your mother be willing to come to lunch in a few weeks with your sons where you lovingly share memories of your father and maybe visit the grave afterwards (if you live relatively nearby?)?
* "Mom, if you really feel that they should come, I will bring them for you. It could be quite stressful for me to manage everything, including my newborn baby, while I am also trying to process my own grief over dad, so I really think it would be best if I come without my very young kids. You know they have their grandpa in their hearts and don't need to watch a sad, sad wake to honor him -- but if you really want me to, we will bring them."

You could also be honest and mention the BIL spat, and say "I know most of the family will be there including BIL and I would just like to make things as simple as possible to avoid any further confrontation and drama between us."

Anyway, I'm sorry about your father and that you are dealing with all of this right now, and send you my sincerest good wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad’s wake is coming up, which means I will be seeing a lot of family members including my BIL who I do not get along with.

We got into a major verbal spat last year over parenting styles and he was extremely critical of both me and my son.

I will be at the wake with my infant, my son, husband and MIL, who said she would run interference and distract my son with coloring books and other activities since we will be there for about two hours. My sister’s kids who will also be there have gotten along for the most part with my son but they too have had their moments and issues getting along.

I’m nervous and want advice on how to handle avoiding getting in any more spats. I don’t want any drama at this important event to honor my dad.

My SIL is worried about her mom's upcoming memorial. Her two sisters are horrible to her, making passive-agressive comments and shaming her in public.

I just said my brother (her DH) would be on one side of her and I'd be on the other. If my college-age kids are in town, they'll stand guard too. Sort of cocoon her with people who will protect her.

Find those people, OP.