Sadness over unused embryos
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Anonymous
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Firstly, this problem is in no way comparable to the challenges faced during infertiliy, and my heart goes out to all those trying to conceive.
We did IVF several years ago and have two healthy children, 3 and 7 years old, as well as multiple frozen embryos. I've always wanted 3 children and would love to have another child, but my husband doesn't want a 3rd. This is a "two yeses, one no" type decision and in many ways it is for the best. We both work outside the home, don't have any local family support, and I love supporting my kids' extracurricular interests, which can be logistically challenging. Most of all, my husband's turned out to be a pretty indifferent father - he'd rather surf the internet than have a conversation with the kids or attend a soccer game. However, while I accept the situation for what it is, I still feel such sadness over our unused embryos. I'd like to donate them to someone trying to conceive, but I'm not sure of the likelihood of them being chosen since they aren't genetically tested. (Our RE advised against it based on our ages at the time we underwent IVF.) I'm posting mainly just to vent, but it would be helpful to "chat" with other people in a similar situation. |
Anonymous
| No advice, just wanted to say that I also wanted a 3rd, my husband did not, and now in my mid 40s I am still sad about it and resentful of him at times. He is a great father, and we could have easily afforded a lot of help to make it happen. |
Anonymous
| Im sorry. |
Anonymous
| I’m in a similar boat. I have 4 unused embryos created when I was 41. I think I’m going to unfreeze and test them- and then destroy the ones that aren’t normal (which I suspect will be all of them given my age). If there are any normals I have no idea what I’m going to do. |
Anonymous
| I’m in a very similar boat. We have seven remaining embryos, two thankfully healthy children, I want one more but my husband does not. Either way we will have remaining embryos and have a lot of emotions about it. |
Anonymous
| There are families who might be interested in untested embryos, so if you think that's the right path, you should pursue it. It's such an incredible gift. Don't discount that option! |
Anonymous
| I understand OP. I only had one remaining embryo after having our children but I had the same emotions. I kept it until I turned 50 - up until then I felt like you never know even though I knew. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you for all your replies. You are all so kind. It helps a lot to hear from people who are or have been in similar situations. |
Anonymous
OP. I am definitely going to give it a try! |
Anonymous
| Similarly, I have eight three-day embryos. Not sure what to do. Two healthy kids. I just paid storage for another year to delay the decision. Unlike OP though, i do not wish for a third. I just can't let go of the embryos. |
Anonymous
| I am in this same situation as well. I was able to convince my husband to go for a third, but given my age I'm not sure how things will turn out. Prior to becoming a parent I thought that I would discard my embryos or donate to science but found that my feelings had changed after becoming a parent. I also considered embryo adoptions for awhile. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| OP- very sorry you’re in this tough, emotional situation. I actually posted earlier this week about seeking resources for embryo donation/adoption so if that is something you’re interested in pursuing let me know if you’d be open to figuring out a way to connect over email to explore whether we could be a good match. Completely open to untested embryos. |
Anonymous
| In a very similar situation, with 4 unused embryos, although they were frozen at day 2 so super early. I believe there's another child among them, just based on when they were frozen and my FET/pregnancy history. I'm paying storage fees AND going through a divorce. Should be a no-brainer right? No idea what my plan is long-term... they are not even biologically my partner's. Just mine + donor. |
Anonymous
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The attachment to embryos is real and fascinating.
We had two which became our g/b twins and two more that were frozen together. We put them back and they didn't work. To this day (15 years later) I wonder if they were male or female or who they might have become. Sigh. Good luck to all of you making these decisions. |
Anonymous
I am talking to you from the other side of this dilemma. We too had two healthy children plus multiple tested (!) embryos in storage. We went for a third and had another boy. Two things: - life with three is exponentially harder than with two. I love my youngest but I'll be honest with you that it's hard financially and logistically, and life in this country is just set up for a family of four in a way that it isn't for a family of five - the sadness doesn't go away because even with three children, we still have embryos in storage (and so would you if you used just one of yours). We obviously can't make them all into babies just because we have them! In a sense, we only had a third because we had embryos in storage. If we didn't, we would have considered ourselves fortunate with two healthy children at our age. It would have been a easy door to close if not for the embryos. My advice to you is to make peace with what you have and try not to pine. A third baby is no joke and if your husband doesn't want it, please don't have it. |