Sadness over unused embryos

[Anonymous]

Don’t kill the babies, donate them if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, just wanted to say that I also wanted a 3rd, my husband did not, and now in my mid 40s I am still sad about it and resentful of him at times. He is a great father, and we could have easily afforded a lot of help to make it happen.

Same. I feel he took away my dream and I can’t forgive him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Firstly, this problem is in no way comparable to the challenges faced during infertiliy, and my heart goes out to all those trying to conceive.

We did IVF several years ago and have two healthy children, 3 and 7 years old, as well as multiple frozen embryos. I've always wanted 3 children and would love to have another child, but my husband doesn't want a 3rd. This is a "two yeses, one no" type decision and in many ways it is for the best. We both work outside the home, don't have any local family support, and I love supporting my kids' extracurricular interests, which can be logistically challenging. Most of all, my husband's turned out to be a pretty indifferent father - he'd rather surf the internet than have a conversation with the kids or attend a soccer game. However, while I accept the situation for what it is, I still feel such sadness over our unused embryos. I'd like to donate them to someone trying to conceive, but I'm not sure of the likelihood of them being chosen since they aren't genetically tested. (Our RE advised against it based on our ages at the time we underwent IVF.)

I'm posting mainly just to vent, but it would be helpful to "chat" with other people in a similar situation.

Does genetic testing harm the embryo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t kill the babies, donate them if you must.

THey are not babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a very similar situation, with 4 unused embryos, although they were frozen at day 2 so super early. I believe there's another child among them, just based on when they were frozen and my FET/pregnancy history. I'm paying storage fees AND going through a divorce. Should be a no-brainer right? No idea what my plan is long-term... they are not even biologically my partner's. Just mine + donor.

If I were you, I'd find out whether you would even be allowed to transfer them later. My understanding is that both partners' consent is required. Would this power convey to you post divorce?

[Anonymous]

Good lord, you should not have done this in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, you should not have done this in the first place.

Why?

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat but I want them all but I can't seem to stop having C sections. And DH at most wants one more. I would feel better donating them but DH wants to hang on to them in case one of our kids need them. It is a very weird position to be in. I'd be a few years away from natural infertility anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Firstly, this problem is in no way comparable to the challenges faced during infertiliy, and my heart goes out to all those trying to conceive.

We did IVF several years ago and have two healthy children, 3 and 7 years old, as well as multiple frozen embryos. I've always wanted 3 children and would love to have another child, but my husband doesn't want a 3rd. This is a "two yeses, one no" type decision and in many ways it is for the best. We both work outside the home, don't have any local family support, and I love supporting my kids' extracurricular interests, which can be logistically challenging. Most of all, my husband's turned out to be a pretty indifferent father - he'd rather surf the internet than have a conversation with the kids or attend a soccer game. However, while I accept the situation for what it is, I still feel such sadness over our unused embryos. I'd like to donate them to someone trying to conceive, but I'm not sure of the likelihood of them being chosen since they aren't genetically tested. (Our RE advised against it based on our ages at the time we underwent IVF.)

I'm posting mainly just to vent, but it would be helpful to "chat" with other people in a similar situation.

I am talking to you from the other side of this dilemma.

We too had two healthy children plus multiple tested (!) embryos in storage. We went for a third and had another boy. Two things:

- life with three is exponentially harder than with two. I love my youngest but I'll be honest with you that it's hard financially and logistically, and life in this country is just set up for a family of four in a way that it isn't for a family of five

- the sadness doesn't go away because even with three children, we still have embryos in storage (and so would you if you used just one of yours). We obviously can't make them all into babies just because we have them! In a sense, we only had a third because we had embryos in storage. If we didn't, we would have considered ourselves fortunate with two healthy children at our age. It would have been a easy door to close if not for the embryos.

My advice to you is to make peace with what you have and try not to pine. A third baby is no joke and if your husband doesn't want it, please don't have it.

Not OP, but thank you for this, I needed to hear it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat but I want them all but I can't seem to stop having C sections. And DH at most wants one more. I would feel better donating them but DH wants to hang on to them in case one of our kids need them. It is a very weird position to be in. I'd be a few years away from natural infertility anyway.

Say what?! Why would your kids need your embryo?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat but I want them all but I can't seem to stop having C sections. And DH at most wants one more. I would feel better donating them but DH wants to hang on to them in case one of our kids need them. It is a very weird position to be in. I'd be a few years away from natural infertility anyway.

Say what?! Why would your kids need your embryo?!?

The cause of our infertility might be genetic, plus sperm counts are dropping with each passing year.

[Anonymous]

So your kids would get pregnant with their sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your kids would get pregnant with their sibling?

Yeah, this is literally an insane plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat but I want them all but I can't seem to stop having C sections. And DH at most wants one more. I would feel better donating them but DH wants to hang on to them in case one of our kids need them. It is a very weird position to be in. I'd be a few years away from natural infertility anyway.

Say what?! Why would your kids need your embryo?!?

The cause of our infertility might be genetic, plus sperm counts are dropping with each passing year.

Wow. If this is what the inside of your brain looks like, get on some meds. Or at least stop watching Handmaid's Tale.

Also, if this post-apocalypic chaos is what actually comes to pass, you can count on all the Fertility docs and Embryo freezers being destroyed.

[Anonymous]

You are making the right decision OP! I know it’s hard