How to fix? 6 & 8 year old wild and inconsiderate

[Anonymous]

OK- going to start this with - yes, I am aware this is my fault. No debate on that. I'm not sure exactly how we've arrived at this point, but I am sure it has been an ongoing and steadily worsening problem. I will be dealing with trying to fix this as a single parent, as my husband is on an extended assignment across the country. Any helpful suggestions would be much appreciated.

Brief summary - 2 boys, ages 6 and almost 8. Most influenced by each other - they are each other's primary playmates. As far as I know, neither is a behavior problem at school. However, I have noticed that friends who used to invite them over regularly, no longer do. I've heard from my siblings that their recent behavior at a family event left much to be desired (they were wild and inconsiderate of younger kids). I got an absolutely abysmal report yesterday from my babysitter regarding their behavior when she watched them so that I could attend a required work event. I personally have seen behavior that is selfish and inconsiderate, which I correct immediately, but I will admit, I am chasing a toddler most of the time, and certainly don't see it all.

I fear that my friends and family have been reluctant to bring this up with me, as I have been juggling work and single-parenting for a while now, and it is fairly obvious that I am stretched thin. But, the time has come and I need to fix it.

At this point in time, we (my husband is in town this weekend), are placing them under house arrest. All toys, games, books, etc will be locked up (for those who think this is too extreme, I must point out that I have a toddler who I have to track, no other adult to help most of the time, and I need a solution that will be simple to administer). The release of these items will be directly dependant on their good behavior. Many toys will be donated to a charitable organization.

However, in the long-term, I have to have a better approach - any assistance with this would be helpful. Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

PEP class for you and DH (when he gets back) .... Parent Encouragement Program. Google it. They give classes in DC, MD, VA. Very good for developing positive discipline methods. They also offer babysitting during the classes.

They have a free 2 hour intro, which is useful all by itself, and a longer weekly program. They also have stand alone classes which are great.

Also, I am very sympathetic to the fact that your DH is gone and you're flying solo. What structures have you put in place to help YOU? Babysitter? Housekeeper? Lawn help? Using a grocery delivery service more often?

If you think friends and family have noticed the kids bad behavior, ask them for help if they live nearby. If the kids are too much of a handful together, even taking one off for the afternoon is helpful. There's nothing like Grandma expressing her shock at some rude behavior to make a kid realize it's not just naggy old mom who feels that way.

[Anonymous]

Okay, let's analyze this. What do you think is behind this? Did their behavior change when your husband took this assignment? His absence might be part of the problem. They're not getting the attention they used to. Plus has your toddler become more demanding?

I suggest another tack for this weekend. Maybe it fun, lots of attention, lots of hugging, talking about how they're feeling with dad away, when will it end, what are they looking forward to this summer. Do they ever voice anything? Come up with a plan. Discuss their behavior, tell them what must change. They're taking advantage of your solo parenting but something's behind it.

[Anonymous]

P.S. If it's not connected to his post, then try and get to the bottom of what they're experiencing and come up with a plan with rewards for good behavior, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know if this will work for you, but with my son (almost 6), rewards for good behavior work far better than punishments. We identify the specific behavior we want (or don't want) and say if you can achieve the goal every day for a week, you can have xxx reward. (Usually pretty cheap, like a DVD or train, but something we know he would really like). By the time the week is up, the bad behavior is often gone or minimized.

For example, he recently developed a habit of yelling at people when things didn't go his way. I talked to the teacher, and we each told him that if he goes a week without yelling at people at home or at school, he gets to take a carpentry class for kids. during the week, he monitored his own behavior in order to get the reward. After the week is up, he's overall behaving a lot better - he just got used to not blowing up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have done exactly what you are considering - locking up all toys and games - and it worked wonders for my kids. I have two other "extreme" things I use as well. The first is that if one of my kids can't behave, he/she becomes my shadow. That means that particular kid must be within arm's length of me at all times. The second is that I require him/her to ask permission for everything. What I say to them is this. Obviously, I can't trust you to behave and make good decisions on your own, so you need to be near me so that I can help you make them. Once I see you are ready to handle being on your own, I'll set you free.

Clearly, these aren't things that I do for your normal everyday behavior issues that arise or even where you are only working on one behavior. But, sometimes my kids will get into patterns of behavior that don't change with just prompting or they do something really extreme and need to understand quickly and immediately how intolerable it is.

Two other things I would suggest are this. Try to quantify what about their behavior is a problem. Second, if you can, make your weekend and evenings very structured so you see everything they are doing and can correct what you find to be problemmatic.

Good luck and good for you for realizing that you need to step in. I hope things turn around quickly for you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the previous posters for your concern and suggestions. Yes, my kids are not getting as much attention with dad away - no, it did not just start at the time my husband posted. Unfortunately, it is not just one behavior - it is a general disregard for anything other than getting their way or getting as much of whatever "thing" they want - regardless of the impact on others. I am taking the extreme route this weekend because I am trying to shock them into realizing that their behavior has concrete consequences. As things improve, we will be using the praise/reward approach to give things back - but I think we have to hit ground zero first. And, yes, I agree that PEP would be helpful. I unfortunately am unable to call on family for support (not local, obligations of their own) and friends and neighbors have already covered my butt numerous times - I really can't ask for more. So upset today - just keep replaying the conversation with my babysitter and get more and more mortified.

[Anonymous]

Also, as to the effect of my husband's absence - this has been going on for a while, and short of asking my husband to quit and get a new job, I can't change it. I think it has more to do with them taking advantage of me being overloaded and exhausted (which has been ongoing since preg w/ #3). I have a hard time keeping up with all three kids, my house and my job - especially with no help. And unfortunately, hubby won't be back for more than a 3 day weekend once a month for another 12 months. Hubby is aware I am having problems, but doesn't GET it, partly because he is SO buried in his job, and I haven't figured out how to break through, so I am very much on my own.

[Anonymous]

OP: I think you have identified the problem: you are on your own, with little support, and are run down and exhausted. The boys are aware of this, and are seeing what they can get away with, and are also probably not getting the attention and love they need from either parent and are therefore acting out more. I would honestly think about having your husband change jobs, or make some sort of instituional change that will shake up the family environment. House arrest is not going to fix what is underneathe this. Good luck, OP-- hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP - heart goes out to you - I feel stretched thin with two boys and a husband that's here - can't imagine how you must feel. Bottom line, though - you need help, and the kids need attention. You say you had a babysitter - do you have room/finances for an au pair or a live in - perhaps with two adults in the house, there will be more attention. With both of you working (or at least that's how I read your post), you may need to look into alternative care arrangements (like an au pair) to help you out while he's out of the loop.

[Anonymous]

OP,

12:21 again. The boys are in crisis. They see that their mother becoming increasingly overwhelemd and are acting out because they feel vulnerable and anxious because of it. They need more of your presence! So, what can you change? Can you get a housekeeper one or two days a week If an au pair's not possible, can you get a cleaning service twice a week? Can you get some homecooked meals? Something's got to give. Especially since if this doesn't straighten out it could spill over into school. Again, I would not make their dad's weekend a time for consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP -
Granted I've never been stretched as thin as you, so chuck my advice if you want but here it is:

whenever my son starts to act out or struggle in some way, my husband and I sit down and talk about a) ways to make that one thing a priority and b) what we need to cut out to make it happen. Usually that means all the adult fun, and the house gets messy.

I agree with you about the house arrest, but are there things you could allow them to have quiet fun while under arrest? Maybe don't ban books and coloring? Ways to get them to expend their energy so they don't go crazy inside? Give them some warning? 15:36 has some good ideas. Your kids may be acting horribly right now, but it sounds like they need some more cuddling.

Can your nearby relatives help with the toddler so you can deal with the other boys in peace?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you need to make a chore chart, but try to "catch" them in the act being considerate to others.

At this age, they might get a kick out of gold stars.

Rewards can be ice cream treat on Friday for a certain amount of stars, Breakfast in Bed on Saturday, similar types of things.

Then go overboard trying to encourage them to be considerate and "catch" them doing it.

This approach is probably not one that yo have a ton of time for since I think it will be a bit of a pain to set chart up and lug stars around, ie its just one more thing to deal with, BUT I think it might work.

[Anonymous]

I concur with the au pair idea and I think that might be a step in the right direction if DH is not returning soon.

Divide and Conquer might be part of a solution. Do they have separate rooms? If you can do it, you should split them up since they reinforce each other. They can spend quiet time in their rooms apart every day so you can catch your breath. Time outs can be in their respective rooms too. Keep the older one up a little later and use that time for quiet talk. As the oldest, he can be expected to be the leader and help you more. You should expect it of him. Right now your expectations for both of them is rather low.

Show him some chores he has to do around the house to begin to get him to appreciate others and their work. It's hard to know when, but as parents we get used to taking care of everything and I know I was slow to make the transition to getting kids to take over tasks. My DS now makes the bed, takes out trash daily, cleans pet cage, runs the vacuum weekly and cleans inside windows twice a year. (I pay him for that.) He also knows how to fold laundry. I am now starting to teach him to cook. Six year old should also have chores.

You are really trying to get your kids to have empathy and think considerately of others. This actually comes from taking the time to have conversations about how others feel about them (not good at the moment), how would they feel if someone did/said these things to them. I would point out that they are not getting invited anywhere because they don't know how to be pleasant and friendly. That's a hard message, but it sounds as if it is the truth.

For my DCs, rewards include TV time, food treats and money. If they did something I liked that week, they might get a piece of candy or some money. DS gets an allowance, but I will not pay him if things are not done. he saves his money and can do what he wants. ( Yes, I said ouch when he bought that $70 LEGO set, but it was his money.)

Behavior: before any event, I have a chat as to what I expect. Anything less and I have already identified consequences, so it's known in advance.

Empower others: babysitters and other have the right to put kids in time out, take away things, break up any play. Family members should come tell you what is happening and feel free to tell kids to stop. If spoken to and the situation continues, go home immediately and give consequences. Playdates at your house can be staged with one kid with one friend and your other child at someone else's house, so you don't have your two boys interacting with one kid. It also allows them to develop one-on-one friendships.

Since all of you are all home this weekend, you do need to create some family rules. When you say selfish and inconsiderate behavior, what is bothering you the most? I would tackle those specific ones and identify rewards and punishments. You might find the Supernanny reward chart helpful:
http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Supernanny-techniques/-/Discipline-and-reward/The-reward-chart.aspx

[Anonymous]

I was the oldest of four and I STRONGLY disagree with OP making her oldest the leader in general but especially under these circumstances. It is not fair to the oldest to be asked to set the example and all the rest. It could make him feel more burdened, the last thing he needs right now. It triangulates authority. It could lead to more fights and resentment from younger siblings. Treat them as equals with age-appropriate expectations. Don't pretend the age difference doesn't exist but do not lean on the oldest!