Voices from future - what’s not on my radar now that should be?

[Anonymous]

Would love to hear from parents who have been all the way through it.

1) what are you glad you did?
2) any regrets?
3) what’s not on my radar that maybe should be

Not sure it matters but here’s where we at now:
Girls - 9 and 7
In bounds for good but crowded public schools k-12
Both parents work
Far from family
Comfortable but not wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Mental health!

That it's so much harder to get into a good college than it was for our generation. Be careful what you say about colleges and keep an open mind.

[Anonymous]

Ditto mental health!!! Supporting kids is hard.
Try to stay focused on the priorities you have for your family
It goes by really fast!

[Anonymous]

Raise freethinkers who aren't afraid to live their lives their way, no matter what anyone else thinks. You want them to be completely independent at 18.

[Anonymous]

Glad we did the following for our kids -

Enrichment opportunities. Invested time to make sure that we fully utilized all the museums, aquariums, zoo, park, historic places etc that are available in and around DMV and took our kids on these trips almost every weekend.

Invested time and effort in their education. Most of the times DH and I were figured out the curriculum of our public school and added to that. We tutored them ourselves as we could customize it to our kids needs. Regardless of how you teach your kids - yourself, through tutors or through a tutoring company - your kids need to have this kind of support outside of school. Don't expect the children to be self motivated. It is the parents job to guide them.

Mental health is very important. One of the stressors (there are many for kids) is academics. Teach your kids not to procrastinate and teach them break up their work in manageable chunks. Learning to work a reasonable amount every day so that they are not panicking at the last minute is a valuable skill

Adequate sleep is crucial. We made sure that they did not do late nights or all nighters. Organizational and study skills have to be taught to your children by you. They do not learn it at school. You have to be patient and persistent and your close involvement is very important.

Extra Curricular. We exposed them to many EC opportunities and when they identified what they really liked to do, we made sure that they had the opportunities to immerse themselves in it.

No Social Media. We really curtailed the social media footprints of our children by not having a big social media presence ourselves and by explaining to them in a very transparent way what can happen to their lives through social media. This prevented a lot of teen angst, being victims of internet trolling and bullying, kept their noses clean for college applications, and prevented a major time suck for them.

Healthy eating habits. We made them food literate and gave them a huge choice of home cooked organic foods. My kids love variety, veggies and fruits.

Health. Kids are very health conscious and they advocate for themselves. We taught them how to get the most from their well visits and to be proactive in getting help if they need it for any physical or mental issues. We also taught our kids to get on the treadmill every day. Yes, it is considered bad form to get the kids on treadmill when they are in MS (gasp) and kids should get all physical exercise through play, but we also realized that that was not really happening consistently with our children because of busy schedules, weather issues, most of their playmates being busy with video games etc. My kids were using the treadmill, recumbent bike, rowing machine, weights, elliptical from the time they were in early MS.

Sex Education. Frank, age appropriate and transparent conversation about reproduction, sex, dating, gender identity, protecting their hearts, grooming behavior, porn, STD, consent etc. It was reinforced by health ed at school in ES, MS and HS but my kids talk with me about all concerns about sex and sexual health.

Financial literacy. They know enough about credit cards, budgeting, maxing out retirement, using index funds, getting employers match, compound interest etc.

Participate. We made sure that the kids had a diverse group of friends and that they showed up for things at school and in their friend's lives. Things like school games, birthday parties, homecoming, prom etc. Our kids did not date till late in the college but they had a lot of friends. We also made sure that our own social network was large and that they were also exposed to socializing with all age groups - family, friends, neighbors etc. We knew most of the parents of their friends from K-12 at least.

Reciprocation. We taught them how to be good hosts and guests because we socialize and entertain a lot at home. My kids were super comfortable organizing and hosting parties at college. Dating was not allowed until they went to college and because they were so very busy with their academics, ECs. travelling and socializing that we did not have any boyfriend, girlfriend drama.

Here is where we did not do a good job -

Earning a dollar, managing their money. My kids did not have a summer job or allowance. We pretty much bought them everything they needed or wanted. Mainly because they are sensible and frugal kids who are a bit nerdy, we did not have any problems with that. There are pros and cons to this. We never had issues with vaping, drugs, gambling etc because they did not have money that was not accounted for.
They did not have to ever budget for anything and they knew we would pay entirely for college and living expenses. BUT, I think that kids who earn and manage their own money are savvier than the kids who do not and have a better idea of what it takes to get by in life. As an aside - my kids chose our instate flagship with generous merit aid and so we saved the money that we had set aside for college, so I am not really criticizing them. But I will reiterate that there is great value in being able to earn a dollar.

Chores. Our kids did not have any chores because they had a hectic schedule and heavy course loads. I was a SAHM with a lot of help and so there were never any chores that they had to do. I found myself giving them a crash course in adulting before they went to college. Teach your kids to do their laundry and fold their clothes. Teach them to iron. Teach them to cook. Teach them to clean the kitchen and bathroom. My kids did make their beds every day and put their dishes in the dishwasher. Still important to teach them these skills because they need to learn how to live on their own earnings not their parents earnings.

Our native language. I messed up because DH and I are bilingual and did not speak with our children in our native tongue. They ended up learning English, German and Spanish, but not our native tongue.

[Anonymous]

Be careful who they end up being friends with. Bad friends can undo all your hard work. If you notice a friend is manipulative and envious of your child, quietly work to distance your DC from that person.

[Anonymous]

Imho 8 - 13 are the formative years
At 14 they are largely who they are going to be
0 - 7, as long as they are loved, not harmed in some way, they will be fine. No enrichment needed. Live your life and involve them because everything you do is interesting (for them)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imho 8 - 13 are the formative years
At 14 they are largely who they are going to be
0 - 7, as long as they are loved, not harmed in some way, they will be fine. No enrichment needed. Live your life and involve them because everything you do is interesting (for them)

Create opportunities to talk to kids once hit middle school. Listen. Have eyes open. They may not say directly what is going on. Therapy for you as parent if need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imho 8 - 13 are the formative years
At 14 they are largely who they are going to be
0 - 7, as long as they are loved, not harmed in some way, they will be fine. No enrichment needed. Live your life and involve them because everything you do is interesting (for them)

Yes! This is key. It really is true. I have seen this play out with people I knew growing up and with our own kids now. And if I am being brutally honest with myself and DH as well.

Do people change what they do or how they do it? Sure. but fundamental change as a person? That is much more rare.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is asking about adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to hear from parents who have been all the way through it.

1) what are you glad you did?
2) any regrets?
3) what’s not on my radar that maybe should be

Not sure it matters but here’s where we at now:
Girls - 9 and 7
In bounds for good but crowded public schools k-12
Both parents work
Far from family
Comfortable but not wealthy.

Glad I committed to sending and keeping all four children in private school. They avoided the not so hot local schools, received quality education, and were able to be in the same school together longer since it went from pre-k -8th grade.
I'm also glad that they have the same dad. I think blended families is a road more complex than I would have wanted to travel. I am glad that I handled the divorce maturely, allowed my ex to be a good father, and understood that bad husband does not mean bad father--two different roles.

Regret not being more mature in my marriage and arguing with my ex in front of our kids. I regret being too proud to fight for our marriage harder. I regret not moving to a better area with better schools when they were younger so we could have avoided the high cost of private school. I regret not listening to my mother regarding mental health issues she noted in my daughter when she was younger. The issues are now very pronounced as a young adult, but there is legally nothing I can do at this point. I somewhat regret not staying home with them when they were younger vs. sending them to daycare.

[Anonymous]

Our three have turned out to be great young adults now married with kids. There is no magic bullet! We moved a lot when they were young so we stayed very close to them to help them deal with change. I also believe we set a good example for them in terms of our relationship, having two careers but them always being our #1 priority, we never argued in front of them, education was a high priority and we are both low maintenance and non needy people. We never had money problems because we always saved a lot so stress was minimized. Today they are all successful in different ways and they are great friends.

[Anonymous]

Savor this time. They need you, and you are having an important influence on who they will become. Teach values, by your example. Spend quality time together (hiking, kayaking, picnics, making s’mores, building sandcastles and snowmen). Your window on them wanting to spend time with you will get smaller. They are blessings. Cherish then.

[Anonymous]

Help them cultivate and value true friendships.
Be a role model for kindness and compassion
Let them pick and discover their own activities - if they really want to quit, let them quit
Help them find sports or healthy physical pursuits that they love - exercise is so good for mental health and well being - sitting around idle is not
Don't micromanage what they read - encourage them to read for fun and let them choose.
Make time for hanging out with kids in unstructured ways (playdates where they decide what to do and god forbid - get bored).
Don't be the parent that requires so much "family time" that they constantly miss out on invites from kids their own age - if you have something planned and something comes up that they really want to do - be flexible! Strong social skills , empathy, and social confidence are so important - more important than where they go to college for success and happiness later in life).
Limit screens when they are little and encourage outdoor play.
Live in the moment and meet your kid where they are - don't worry about what others are doing.
Don't freak out when they mess up - stay calm and talk to them about it

[Anonymous]

I have two grown DDs two years apart. At your kids' ages, my kids were doing a lot of the same thing (same sport, same art class, etc)

When puberty hit--or whatever, a few years older--they went opposite directions. I think this is a developmental thing--it lowers the stress in the household if the two girls are not "competing" at the same thing. Because if two kids are, for example, playing the guitar, one is going to be better...so I think they find their own things to be expert at.

Anyways, one kid got into makeup and clothes; the other kid wouldn't touch makeup and got into years of wearing gray T-shirts and black soccer shorts. But the makeup/clothes one won't wear jewelry, so oddly the grunge one took over the necklace and earring-wearing.

Both had done basketball for years but that ended. Both stayed athletic, but one got totally into indoor stuff--ballet, yoga, gym; the other got into running, surfing, hiking, kickboxing.

It's so weird--the indoor sport girl is sunscreen-obsessed so became super-pale with dark hair, and the outdoor girl has gotten incredibly dark with sunbleached hair, so unlike when little, they don't even look much alike anymore (and that's before you add the makeup and clothes)

So all this is just a way to say that as they get older, each will try to find their uniqueness in the household---and you can help or hinder this. First, don't insist they do the same thing--most of the time, I've noticed, parents who force this, do it because it's convenient for THEM.

Second, I made sure with my words and actions that I did not accidentally create certain differences by noticing "pretty", or "smart" (as in, we do not have the pretty one and the smart one as the divide. Or the athletic one and the non-athletic one). We do have a bit of the humanities one and the STEM one, but that naturally came about that way.