Realistic expectations for large family gatherings per year

[Anonymous]

Inlaws expect time in December and July, 5 families under one roof. One family stays at least a week each time.

I neither have that amount of vacation nor would I spend that amount of time with inlaws if I did. This year's July trip meant 5 days for us. From the second we walked in there were questions about exact hour of our departure on final day, why we wouldn't push it later, did we have commitments that prevented us from staying the full time etc etc.

I get 13 vaca days a year, am spending 6 as is on these gatherings. How should I handle this guilt trip?

[Anonymous]

Either don’t go and make other plans. Or develop a thick skin and just keep brushing off their comments.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws? Go for 2 of the 5 days; let your spouse stay with the kids for the balance of the time.

[Anonymous]

“I get 13 days of vacation a year, and spend half of it to attend these family gatherings. Please stop asking for more of my limited vacation time”

But also 13 days is awful. What do you do?

[Anonymous]

First, you need a different job. 13 days is not acceptable for a person beyond their first job or two out of college. Then, you need to talk to your DH and explain that, until you can get a different job, you need to plan your vacation differently.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go. Stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws? Go for 2 of the 5 days; let your spouse stay with the kids for the balance of the time.

I just started a new job and literally had no time off. My husband and my kid went to the family Christmas shindig vacay and I stayed home. If you don't have the leave, you don't have the leave. End of story.

[Anonymous]

So don’t go! Or find ways to carve out time for yourself during those 13 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you need a different job. 13 days is not acceptable for a person beyond their first job or two out of college. Then, you need to talk to your DH and explain that, until you can get a different job, you need to plan your vacation differently.

Absolutely agree. Let DH do the explaining to his family, but you shouldn’t be expected to commit to the same vacations every year. An invite to visit is just that — an invite. It’s not a summons. And yes, you need a new job ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Plan a vacation for just your nuclear family, since it sounds like you really need one (!) and whatever leftover time you have, allocate for a Christmas visit. Make no promises for the next year especially if you need to rotate to see your own parents. If they complain, DH should simply say the truth - that unfortunately you don’t have enough leave from work to do both nuclear family vacations and extended family reunions. If you don’t mind their visiting, offer up your home if they would like to come see you from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inlaws expect time in December and July, 5 families under one roof. One family stays at least a week each time.

I neither have that amount of vacation nor would I spend that amount of time with inlaws if I did. This year's July trip meant 5 days for us. From the second we walked in there were questions about exact hour of our departure on final day, why we wouldn't push it later, did we have commitments that prevented us from staying the full time etc etc.

I get 13 vaca days a year, am spending 6 as is on these gatherings. How should I handle this guilt trip?

People can expect whatever they want, and they can deal with their disappointment when they don't get it. That's their problem rather than mine. So I don't feel any guilt over something like that. Even when I get 30 days of vacation a year I still don't want to spend two weeks with my inlaws, because that's just not fun to me. So I don't. OP, just because someone tries to hand you something doesn't mean you have to take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws? Go for 2 of the 5 days; let your spouse stay with the kids for the balance of the time.

+1 - my spouse has a lot more leave than I do and this is how we split the time.

[Anonymous]

First, it's inhumane to only have 13 vacation days a year. We really need to do better as a country. France has 6 weeks of vacation for most workers.

Second, I would stop going for a while until they learn to welcome your presence without pushing for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws? Go for 2 of the 5 days; let your spouse stay with the kids for the balance of the time.

This.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to shut it down, and you need to tell your ILs once, if they do it when you're not around, that you don't have enough leave to spend it all with them. And if they bring it up again, say, "I told you I have limited leave, and it's surprising to me that you aren't putting any sort of effort into making the part I spend with you as enjoyable as possible."