Housing for elderly in-laws

[Anonymous]

For the last 17 years my in-laws have lived in NC with my SIL and her family. My in-laws moved in with them for financial reasons as they had no money for retirement. Now after 17 years of living in their house and caring for their children my SIL is done with having them there, and has told us to figure out what to do with them. Living with us is not an option as we live in a small house; my SIL has a large house with an in-law suite. She did offer to pay half their rent if we find an apartment for them near us (NoVa). Oh and to add to the sh*t show that this situation already is my SIL needs them out pretty soon as they are doing major renovations to their house and will need to move into the area where my in-laws currently live. To make this even better my SIL has hardly spoken to my in-laws about this (they do not get along and overall the entire family does not communicate). They had no idea of the scale of this renovation, had no idea until this past weekend that they have to move out ASAP, and also no idea that it was expected that they not move back in.

To say my husband and I are stressed is an understatement and we are scrambling to figure out our options.

I assume affordable senior housing for low-income seniors has a long waiting list? Are they even elidable in VA as they have never lived in this state? We could also look into housing options in NC.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky your SIL provide a home & care for your in-laws for 17 years. No need to paint them in a bad light now, if anyone was slacking. . . Your best bet would be look for progressive care center so they won't need to move as their care demands increase. Start making phone calls.

[Anonymous]

My dear OP, until you live with these elderly folks you might not be the best judge of your SIL's motivations. I know on the outside it seems as if SIL exploited them, but usually it's more complicated than that. My SIL also did something similar, except that my MIL saw the writing the wall and decided to move before things came to a head. She's now in a city apartment, where it's easier to hire people to help her, so the move was actually a great idea! Her plan to live out her life in her apartment is a sound one, given all the help she's getting.

First you need to know what income is available to your ILs. Then see whether apartment living with aides is more affordable than a nursing home, and what the comfort differential will be. They might be headed for Medicaid homes, so you need to visit those.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your SIL provided free care for parents for 17 years? It sounds like SIL is burnt out from providing care for 17 years. You should be grateful.

Apartments will generally be cheaper in the NC area. Sometimes you can find reasonable mobile home rental communities in the NC area.

Short term you can get a monthly rental at extended stay hotel places. I'd start calling around to them so SIL can start her reno. That will get them out of the house while you and your husband work on long term accommodations.

You may find some older rental housing stock about 90 miles outside of the DC area that is more affordable.

A progressive care center is the best bet but it may be pricy.

[Anonymous]

Op here- you are both right. We could have done more.

My SIL made these decisions (making in-laws move many states away from where they always lived to move in with her and care for her children) and never asked for our impute until now.

Still I do understand that living in the same house for 17 years has not been easy and apricate that they had them there.

I do think giving everyone some heads up would have been more appropriate. Dropping this on us in an email with a "then need to move out ASAP" and not even having so much as a conversation with my in-laws that they need to move out ASAP seems insane to me.

I also think they could have moved them to an apartment and asked us to split the rent 10+ years ago instead of waiting until now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, your SIL provided free care for parents for 17 years? It sounds like SIL is burnt out from providing care for 17 years. You should be grateful.

Apartments will generally be cheaper in the NC area. Sometimes you can find reasonable mobile home rental communities in the NC area.

Short term you can get a monthly rental at extended stay hotel places. I'd start calling around to them so SIL can start her reno. That will get them out of the house while you and your husband work on long term accommodations.

You may find some older rental housing stock about 90 miles outside of the DC area that is more affordable.

A progressive care center is the best bet but it may be pricy.

not sure I would say she provided care. She provided a roof over their head, nothing else. In-laws were in excellent health, did all the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning and child care, driving kids to school and activities.

Not saying that is a great trade off for having your parents living in your house, but it's not like there was no benefit.

[Anonymous]

I'd find a senior living set up in NC. Only because I'm assuming it's cheaper. But shop around and find one. She's offering to split, so that's great. The last minute nature is pretty childish, but she's still willing to pay for it. She's going to have to have a conversation with them about this though.

If those have wait lists, get them on one and move them into an apartment in the mean time that everyone can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- you are both right. We could have done more.

My SIL made these decisions (making in-laws move many states away from where they always lived to move in with her and care for her children) and never asked for our impute until now.

Still I do understand that living in the same house for 17 years has not been easy and apricate that they had them there.

I do think giving everyone some heads up would have been more appropriate. Dropping this on us in an email with a "then need to move out ASAP" and not even having so much as a conversation with my in-laws that they need to move out ASAP seems insane to me.

I also think they could have moved them to an apartment and asked us to split the rent 10+ years ago instead of waiting until now.

Sounds to me like kids are now grown and SIL feels the IL are no longer useful. Pretty gross, frankly. Where is your brother in all this? And why is she running this? What if you say “we need more time”. She will have to figure things out.

My sister moved in with my parents over a decade ago and has lived free all that time, working only part-time. Yes, she did/does help them out, but now that things are harder due to their age, sister suddenly feels overburdened and wants me to fly constantly cross-country to help more. I cannot without destroying my own life/job prospects. Instead I offered alternate suggestions which were unacceptable. So I’m now saying ‘your rules, your choice, your consequences’.

In this case, your SIL doesn’t get to call the shots on her timeframe. You are allowing it. She’ll have to either delay the renovations or live amongst the chaos to give you the time to get in-laws settled.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure hints have been made about the ILs needing to leave (after 17 years!!!) and it was only due to scheduling a Major renovation, that anyone, including you Op took them seriously. Good for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure hints have been made about the ILs needing to leave (after 17 years!!!) and it was only due to scheduling a Major renovation, that anyone, including you Op took them seriously. Good for them!

We see them once a year. My husband and his sister really don’t speak. If they wanted them out they should have done more than “made hints” because reading minds is hard. Or better yet they should have taken steps like putting my in-law on low income senior housing lists when they first moved in. But they didn’t want to do that. Instead they told my in laws “you’re moving with us and you can take care of our kids”. I estimate that they probably saved at least $400k in childcare over the years. Had they paid them as a live in nanny my in-laws could have bought their own place.

You can think my SIL is right to kick them out but she did certainly benefit over the years by having them there. It wasn’t all give on her part.

[Anonymous]

Tell SIL that the DC area is too expensive but if they can find an apartment for the in-laws in NC near them, you’ll pay half the rent. SIL can only make this your problem if you let her. You’re not the ones kicking in-laws out of her house, she is.

[Anonymous]

How old are your in-laws? There is subsidized housing for elderly in the area, but they have to be residents. Where in NOVA are you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are lucky your SIL provide a home & care for your in-laws for 17 years. No need to paint them in a bad light now, if anyone was slacking. . . Your best bet would be look for progressive care center so they won't need to move as their care demands increase. Start making phone calls.

If she can’t afford to pay their rent she definitely can’t afford the $10k per month this will cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are lucky your SIL provide a home & care for your in-laws for 17 years. No need to paint them in a bad light now, if anyone was slacking. . . Your best bet would be look for progressive care center so they won't need to move as their care demands increase. Start making phone calls.

what in the original post suggests the ILs can cover that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure hints have been made about the ILs needing to leave (after 17 years!!!) and it was only due to scheduling a Major renovation, that anyone, including you Op took them seriously. Good for them!

We see them once a year. My husband and his sister really don’t speak. If they wanted them out they should have done more than “made hints” because reading minds is hard. Or better yet they should have taken steps like putting my in-law on low income senior housing lists when they first moved in. But they didn’t want to do that. Instead they told my in laws “you’re moving with us and you can take care of our kids”. I estimate that they probably saved at least $400k in childcare over the years. Had they paid them as a live in nanny my in-laws could have bought their own place.

You can think my SIL is right to kick them out but she did certainly benefit over the years by having them there. It wasn’t all give on her part.

NP. I am at a loss as to how SIL was able to direct an entire family -- including the ILs who were perfectly fine, in charge of their own affairs, and needed no help at all (but apparently were helpless to say 'no'?) -- to do her bidding against their better judgment by fiat.