S/o Do you harshly judge parents withOUT a lot of outside help?

[Anonymous]

As I posted in the other thread, I don't judge people with a lot of outside help (nanny, housekeeper, family help, etc.), I envy it.

But now I wonder if people judge me for NOT having that kind of help. Like we can't afford a housecleaner, we do it ourselves. We have to cobble together summer childcare from camps and taking time off and sometimes having the kids hanging out on their own while we WFH. When our kids were babies/toddlers, it was always a juggle to make childcare work. We have not family help and limited finances. I feel like we're finally getting to the point where it's not quite as painful, now that kids are in school (and schools are open!) but we've been stretched thin for years.

Do you judge people in this situation? It's not that we planned for it to be this way, we just didn't know. We knew generally how much daycare cost, but we didn't know how hard it would be to get spots, or stuff like how you have to spend a ton of money getting on waitlists just to be able to stand a chance to get into one. We didn't realize how much aftercare costs can vary from school to school (and quality too) or how hard it can be to arrange one-off care during random days of from school. We didn't realize how hard it would be schedule our own work leave to coincide not only with each other but with our kid's time off from school. And we didn't realize how hard it would be to not have family help. Most of our friends have local family but before we had kids, all we ever heard was how much they complained about dealing with their parents/ILs and how meddling and annoying they were -- we didn't realize that the part they weren't mentioning was how their annoying MIL also cooked two meals a week for their family and showed up randomly to clean the kitchen and was an essential part of their summer childcare strategy.

Anyway: do you judge me for not realizing how hard this would be without a lot of paid help or family nearby? Do you judge me when I complain about struggling to find childcare or struggling to pay for it? When I hire sitters who aren't amazing because it's what we can afford? When our kids are in mediocre camps in the summer because we can't afford more?

[Anonymous]

No because I’m the same way 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

I don't judge you for that, but I do judge you for posting such inane nonsense. Wasn't the other post enough?

[Anonymous]

I don't judge that. I judge you for letting your kids sit on screens all day. I judge you for having a filthy house, or always complaining about having to clean. I judge people for complaining about almost anything. Nobody wants to hear your problems besides your mom and therapist.

BTW OP, based on your last paragraph you seem to insinuate that a less expensive camp isn't as fun as an expensive one. As someone who was a camp counselor at both a free camp for anyone who was a resident in the area and a camp counselor at a specialty camp I assure you I gave the same amount of effort and kindness both summers.

[Anonymous]

I somewhat judge people who didn't think through what having kids was going to look like. BUT, I know there are a lot of factors like special needs kids, job loss, illness, death, etc., that can throw even the best laid plans off. So I more judge situations where someone thought they'd be able to live the same life as before kids and are now SHOCKED that they can't eat dinner at a nice restaurant at 9 pm, for example. Also, I don't think anyone saw COVID coming, and that really blew up a lot of families in a way that I don't anyone can cast judgment on. We even had a full-time nanny and housekeeper and private school and our lives quite together and had everything turned upside down with COVID. So I can hardly cast aspersions on anyone less well set up who struggled or is still struggling. But if you didn't think about how you were going to have to be able to leave work at the same time every day in order to get to daycare before it closed? Yeah, I judge you for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I somewhat judge people who didn't think through what having kids was going to look like. BUT, I know there are a lot of factors like special needs kids, job loss, illness, death, etc., that can throw even the best laid plans off. So I more judge situations where someone thought they'd be able to live the same life as before kids and are now SHOCKED that they can't eat dinner at a nice restaurant at 9 pm, for example. Also, I don't think anyone saw COVID coming, and that really blew up a lot of families in a way that I don't anyone can cast judgment on. We even had a full-time nanny and housekeeper and private school and our lives quite together and had everything turned upside down with COVID. So I can hardly cast aspersions on anyone less well set up who struggled or is still struggling. But if you didn't think about how you were going to have to be able to leave work at the same time every day in order to get to daycare before it closed? Yeah, I judge you for that.

Do you know me… Because this entire paragraph is me. So go ahead and judge…nothing I can do now. Definitely didn’t think it through. Oh well…

[Anonymous]

I do judge parents in oversized McMansions in the suburbs to then claim they can’t afford anything but a crappy daycare. And there are a lot of those.

[Anonymous]

I don’t judge you but the reality is we are probably not going to hang out much outside of occasional birthday parties. Families without help are always stressed on weekends. Those of us with help have time to do a lot of outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t judge you but the reality is we are probably not going to hang out much outside of occasional birthday parties. Families without help are always stressed on weekends. Those of us with help have time to do a lot of outings.

I'm a single parent and I'm not stressed. I live in a small place so I don't have a lot to clean. I have one kid so I don't need help. We go on outings, day trips, playdates, etc every weekend.

[Anonymous]

I super judge people who SAY they can’t afford cleaning/laundry service but I suspect they’re just being cheap and also admit the chores are hurting their marriage or endlessly complain about it.

Yes, I could be wrong about their financial situation, but that’s not how judging works. I get to proceed from my assumptions in my own head.

[Anonymous]

I don’t judge people who don’t have help. If they are my friend or our kids are friends, I try to be of help for things like random days off school or early pick-up.

What I do judge is people who have 3+ kids and then complain how hard it is to juggle activities and childcare schedules. It’s hard to understand all the daycare/childcare stuff until you are living it - especially because it’s so hyper-local that what a friend in Alexandria tells you makes. I sense in Falls Church. Once you have 2 kids, you do understand daycare and likely have a network of local parents you talk to. If you choose to have more kids than adults without considering that as parents two people can’t be in 3+ places at once, then I have no sympathy. What did you think would happen - that a magical carpool would materialize where other people take care of your kid, but you can’t reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't judge you for not realizing options and their limitations pre-kids, or not being able to afford it.

I judge some others who use Covid as an excuse. For example, a co-worker was upset when we were recalled to the office in July 2021 and asked if the company was paying for my childcare. Yeah, no. Just like they didn't pay for my childcare any other summer. This person had options and could afford them but chose not to utilize them while participating in other very high-risk activities.

[Anonymous]

I don’t waste time judging others who parent differently than I do.

[Anonymous]

OP, if there's something to take away from this it's to talk to your kids (teens, mostly) about what it takes to keep a household going. Talk about how hard it is to be far from family, because of childcare and holiday travel and etc. Talk about how most families make things work by having one spouse take a more flexible but often less lucrative or fulfilling job. Talk about the balance between earning money for fun treats and camps, and preserving time for day to day family interaction.

I think a lot of us grew up in the "you can have it all, lean in" era and I wish some adults in my life had talked about this stuff while I was making career choices. It's not that I was surprised by daycare waitlists, it's that I didn't plan my career with a kid in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge that. I judge you for letting your kids sit on screens all day. I judge you for having a filthy house, or always complaining about having to clean. I judge people for complaining about almost anything. Nobody wants to hear your problems besides your mom and therapist.

BTW OP, based on your last paragraph you seem to insinuate that a less expensive camp isn't as fun as an expensive one. As someone who was a camp counselor at both a free camp for anyone who was a resident in the area and a camp counselor at a specialty camp I assure you I gave the same amount of effort and kindness both summers.

+1