Choosing to stay home or to work when kids are babies/toddlers
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Anonymous
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I’m not sure if this is the right subforum to post this concern, but just wanted to put this out there as I am having some trouble thinking through this.
I’m remarried, have two bio kids, and have discussed having a baby with my new husband. He makes a lot more money than I do and could easily support us without my additional income. Backstory: I left the father of my two kids when they were a toddler and baby, and was immediately thrust into poverty and arranging childcare while working full-time and having nothing left over every month. This was traumatizing. I went to graduate school and have been able to secure a position that pays well and for which there is high demand. I am grateful and proud of myself for having gotten this far. Bringing it back to the present day, I always said I would never be financially dependent on a man again. However, my company offers zero paid parental leave, so I would take the 12 weeks FMLA unpaid. The notion of securing full-time childcare and working all day during those early months seems very daunting. I went through the rigmarole of drop offs/pick ups/sick days/holidays/school and daycare closures while working and it was miserable! Granted I am in a different position now, but I just recall the stress and the misery of trying to keep it together, being exhausted, and feeling like I never had enough time. I guess what I’m looking to see is perspectives from both parents who’ve continued to work after the birth of a baby and those who left the workforce for the early years. I’m worried about re-entering the workforce after a couple of years out - even with an advanced degree and technical experience, will I be able to re-enter? I have worries about outcomes from both potential scenarios but would really like to hear your individual experience and what you did to make it work for you (WOH/WAH/SAH). Sorry for the rambling but hope to get some insight, thanks. |
Anonymous
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If your company offers zero paid parental leave, they do not "pay well". I don't even want any more kids but I judge benefit packages partly based on parental leave. It is becoming the norm in the private sector, at least in high-earning professions (finance, tech, etc.). Even my journalist friends have paid leave now.
I did take a year off and re-entered the workforce, due to unusual circumstances. It all worked out. But if I could do it again I would have returned to work sooner. Staying at home really took a toll on my wellbeing (read: drove me slightly insane). And that was WITH family help. |
Anonymous
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DH and I both work FT and in my experience (both lived and observed, for what that's worth) the answer is: find a good nanny! Having someone reliable that you trust come to your home and care for your children, handle drop-offs and pickups as they get older, is by far the best solution IMO if you want to continue to work.
To add: I am not at all against SAHPs and think it's great for families for whom that division of labor works, but I feel you, OP. My father passed away when my brother and I were really young and I saw how my mom, who had been a SAHM and was left trying to support a growing family, struggled. So for me, my career is an important factor to my own peace of mind/mental health. |
Anonymous
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Happy for you and that you have options and stability after a traumatic first go around.
Would your company allow you to take 6 mos unpaid? That could be Plan A to give you more time to adjust and not feel so rushed into the grind. Staying home is a calling just like working - you have to want to do it because otherwise it can be lonely, thankless and full of drudgery. I am lucky to have an awesome flexible job and good daycare and I can say that this is less stressful for me than if I were to stay home. It is very individual. I think what you need is time to experience motherhood again with less hardship and see what your heart tells you. Push for more unpaid leave to get you this time. If your manager supports there could be other options like getting donated leave from others. PS - all women should have PAID leave for at least 6 mos but this is not what the OP has available, hence my recommendation to get more unpaid leave. I think she and all parents are entitled to more though! |
Anonymous
| I would change companies and tell them you’re leaving because their values, in terms of giving zero leave, just don’t align with yours. And you’re embarrassed it’s taken you this long to realize this. |
Anonymous
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I unintentionally became a SAHM because we were living overseas when I had my baby and I wasn’t permitted to work on my visa. At first it was really difficult. I hated not being busy, not engaging my mind in a professional way, not earning money. But once I settled in a bit to being a stay at home parent I realized how nice it was to take a break from work stress (trading it for a different kind of stress of course).
Even though I was/am in a solid relationship, same as you, what has helped me during this career break is to have my own separate bank account. We always have had separate accounts (along with joint for bills etc) and that has helped me feel like I had a “back up” plan of sorts. If you have your own account, that may bring you some relief coming from an impoverished background. As for your career and staying plugged in while you take a hiatus from professional life, keep up your professional relationships, attend interesting webinars or in person events when possible, if you are in a field with academic writing, keep up that momentum and try to publish even if you’re not affiliated with a company or institution. Continue to monitor and send messages to colleagues and people in your field on LinkedIn, stay in touch with industry recruiters, and up-to-date on your field and industry news and happenings. You can also take a training course for a particular technology, enroll in a certificate, volunteer in a related/adjacent capacity, or audit an online class if you want to show expansion of skills and recency on your résumé during your planned gap. Lastly, I would not be too concerned about having a career gap on your resume. These days, people are working in all different formats, taking sabbaticals, switching industries, changing careers completely. It is not frowned upon any more to take a planned break for Family care, personal reasons, health reasons, etc. So I would not sweat that. The only expectation I would level set with yourself is that you may not immediately reenter the field at the same level, position, and salary as you left it. If you are OK with that, then I think there are a lot of benefits for spending a year or two or more at home with a newborn. |
Anonymous
+1 this is great advice. Two-year resume gap here (partly due to baby) and I ended up with a better, higher-paying job after returning, partly because I kept my skills and more importantly my network connections up. Learning a language can also be a great resume add. |
Anonymous
| Question: will you be the default parent for the new baby? Does your DH want to be an equal partner in "the rigmarole of drop offs/pick ups/sick days/holidays/school and daycare closures"? Most couples I know where both parents work seem to split those duties 50/50 which makes a huge difference, as does having the emotional support of another parent as you go through it. But there are definitely families where it's easier for one parent to take on a greater portion of the childcare disruption and in that case, it's much harder to carry on with the job you were doing before the baby. |
Anonymous
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It's such a personal decision and I totally get not wanting to be financially dependent on your DH. That aspect of being home for the first couple years of my DD's life was the worst part for me -- I loved being home and I loved the time with my DD and how easy it made our lives to not have to juggle childcare, drop-offs, pick-ups, being sad to be away from her, etc. But I hated not having an income and even though we share our money 100%, I was picking up contract work by the time my DD was one because I found it so uncomfortable to be without income.
Having said that, it was still worth it to me to take those 2 years off. I think 1 year or 18 months would be okay to, though I found 2 to be ideal. There are two reasons why, and these are very specific to me, my family, and our situation: 1) My DH, while a very committed and involved dad, had an extremely rigid job. It's not that he worked crazy hours (thankfully) it's that his job had next to no flexibility. This meant that either he would have had to change jobs (and probably industries), or I'd wind up 95% in charge of drop-off/pick-up, doctor's appointments, sick days, etc. My job was very flexible and I could have done it. But I didn't want to. I think I would have gotten really resentful of dealing with that load. I also know myself well enough to know that the kind of crazy schedule this would have meant for me, even with DH helping in the evenings and weekends, would just have sucked the joy out of my life. I had friends who encouraged me to keep working so that things would be more "equal" in my marriage, but that would not have been equal. That would have been me working full time and doing most of the child-related stuff. 2) I am prone to depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with pre-natal anxiety. This was a major factor for me because I know the best thing for me in controlling those things is to maintain a certain lifestyle. That's one that includes lots of walking/exercise, lots of time outside, and time to do things like read books, draw, wander around and take photos. Before I had a baby, those were things I could do in the mornings and evenings and on my lunch hour. But I could see it disappearing if I was getting up with a baby at 6:30am, dealing with the morning drop-off by myself (my DH left for work at 6:45), working through lunch so I could leave early enough to make pick-up. My mental health is important to me and I knew that slog wouldn't just be a hard thing I had to get through -- it could be extremely detrimental. So I took the time off. Like I said, I hated not having income. But in a way that was good because it kept me VERY motivated to return to work -- as my kid got older and started having more needs for socialization and stimulation beyond what I could provide on my own, I started setting up our lives to make it easier for me to return to work. And when we were out of those intensive first two years, I was able to return to work (for PT, now finally FT) while still structuring my life so that I could get what I needed. I have zero regrets. But I'm not like some kind of advocate for staying home with babies, like there's no other way. It was the right choice for us, it might be the right choice for you. I think you have to really look at how your life is structured, what kind of support and duty-sharing your DH is interested and capable of offering, and what is going to make you feel fulfilled and happy. Maybe you have options that weren't available to me, like a FT nanny or family help. |
Anonymous
I took time off as well, and also would have tried to return sooner than I did. That way it isn’t stressful when it doesn’t happen right away. I think staying at home full time took a toll on my well-being too. And the timeline i had in my head didn’t help. |
Anonymous
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If you don’t see yourself staying home long term, I wouldn’t quit just because of the hassle of the early year child care situation. Hopefully your DH will be able to help juggle the unexpected days off and share the work in hiring a nanny or finding daycare and planning camps/after care etc. If you don’t truly WANT to be a SAHM, you may find that it is miserable.
I quit my job when my first was born because I wanted to be a SAHM and it worked well for our family at the time. DH was working long hours in an inflexible job, and I wasn’t making that much but my job was also not at all flexible. I have LOVED being home with my kids, it has truly been a dream do me, but nearly a decade later and I cannot imagine how I will ever enter the workforce again. I have a graduate degree but didn’t do any of the things PP suggested to stay up to date with contacts and the industry etc. Fortunately, we have kept our expenses fairly low despite DH’s rising income, and our marriage is very stable, so I don’t HAVE to go back to work any time soon. But I really wish I had thought about the end game and tried to work part time or done anything at all to keep my skills current. So don’t be me!! |
Anonymous
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BTDT in the sense that I was a single mom of a toddler then married a man who makes 7 figures and we've since had kids. When I was a single mom, I also faced serious financial insecurity as I was leaving an abusive relationship and it was very scary. I chose to continue working in part so that I can always support myself and my first child, as you never know what might happen and DH is under no legal (or arguably moral) obligation to support my first child. Since DH makes so much, I hire a lot of high quality help around the house (high quality nanny, regular cleaners, help with laundry) and my salary goes to 529 plans, my own retirement account and my own savings. DH has a pretty high EQ and understands where I'm coming from and supports what we've worked out in terms of work and child care. I make mid-six figures now.
My advice to you is to find a way to keep your career moving forward. Hire great help. If you need to find a better job, do it. |
Anonymous
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I understand the value of staying home but it is a situation in which the family benefits but the woman takes on a lot of personal economic risk (as you experienced). In your case with a second marriage, two bio kids and your history, I would encourage you to keep working. It is doable. Hire a lot of help. Switch to a more family friendly job if you want to.
You just have too much at stake to make yourself so vulnerable in the future. You can always re-evaluate in a year or two, but I would at least do your best to figure it out. |
Anonymous
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I loved my baby and toddler to pieces, but I knew that I didn't want to be home with them full time. Thankfully we found a nanny who was amazing and that made the childcare stuff much less stressful.
I ended up working from home, and had a flexible enough situation where I slowly slowly ramped back up to full time after my kids were born. |
Anonymous
| These early years are critical for you to be able to bond with your children and your children to achieve attachment to you. Studies show that without this bonding children will struggle later. God blessed you with your children and has given you the ability to care for them. Raising children always comes with sacrifices but that is how God has designed it. My faith in Jesus, allowed me to have the peace that when I chose to be a SAHM and exit the workforce He would provide and He did. I never regretted a day of it. I pray you choose what is best for your children. |