Reply to Choosing to stay home or to work when kids are babies/toddlers

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[quote=Anonymous]It's such a personal decision and I totally get not wanting to be financially dependent on your DH. That aspect of being home for the first couple years of my DD's life was the worst part for me -- I loved being home and I loved the time with my DD and how easy it made our lives to not have to juggle childcare, drop-offs, pick-ups, being sad to be away from her, etc. But I hated not having an income and even though we share our money 100%, I was picking up contract work by the time my DD was one because I found it so uncomfortable to be without income.

Having said that, it was still worth it to me to take those 2 years off. I think 1 year or 18 months would be okay to, though I found 2 to be ideal. There are two reasons why, and these are very specific to me, my family, and our situation:

1) My DH, while a very committed and involved dad, had an extremely rigid job. It's not that he worked crazy hours (thankfully) it's that his job had next to no flexibility. This meant that either he would have had to change jobs (and probably industries), or I'd wind up 95% in charge of drop-off/pick-up, doctor's appointments, sick days, etc. My job was very flexible and I could have done it. But I didn't want to. I think I would have gotten really resentful of dealing with that load. I also know myself well enough to know that the kind of crazy schedule this would have meant for me, even with DH helping in the evenings and weekends, would just have sucked the joy out of my life. I had friends who encouraged me to keep working so that things would be more "equal" in my marriage, but that would not have been equal. That would have been me working full time and doing most of the child-related stuff.

2) I am prone to depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with pre-natal anxiety. This was a major factor for me because I know the best thing for me in controlling those things is to maintain a certain lifestyle. That's one that includes lots of walking/exercise, lots of time outside, and time to do things like read books, draw, wander around and take photos. Before I had a baby, those were things I could do in the mornings and evenings and on my lunch hour. But I could see it disappearing if I was getting up with a baby at 6:30am, dealing with the morning drop-off by myself (my DH left for work at 6:45), working through lunch so I could leave early enough to make pick-up. My mental health is important to me and I knew that slog wouldn't just be a hard thing I had to get through -- it could be extremely detrimental.

So I took the time off. Like I said, I hated not having income. But in a way that was good because it kept me VERY motivated to return to work -- as my kid got older and started having more needs for socialization and stimulation beyond what I could provide on my own, I started setting up our lives to make it easier for me to return to work. And when we were out of those intensive first two years, I was able to return to work (for PT, now finally FT) while still structuring my life so that I could get what I needed.

I have zero regrets. But I'm not like some kind of advocate for staying home with babies, like there's no other way. It was the right choice for us, it might be the right choice for you. I think you have to really look at how your life is structured, what kind of support and duty-sharing your DH is interested and capable of offering, and what is going to make you feel fulfilled and happy. Maybe you have options that weren't available to me, like a FT nanny or family help. [/quote]

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