MIL doesn't want to live
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Anonymous
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MIL hasn't had a very good QOL since her husband died 5 years ago. She is 89, depressed and lonely. She is in UK and we are in US. She has dementia, and that has been the primary issue in bringing her to US, as she doesn't like the different environment, can't remember how to use the tv or tea kettle, etc. She recently had a stroke and cannot return to her apt / independent living. As long as I've known her, she has had a fear of being put in a "home/hospital" and being alone.
She has been in the hospital for 2 months. My husband has flown back 3 times. For weeks, my DH considered the dementia a "gift" as MIL thought she was in a hotel, and was very happy with the food and room service and was having conversations with her dead husband. But DH visited recently in the morning and found a completely different person. MIL is completely aware of her situation, that she is in the hospital alone, no family nearby, and her husband and all her friends are dead. Apparently, she has been medicated on all past visits so her satisfaction with her "hotel accommodations" were a result of drugs, not dementia. She wants to go "home" to a home that doesn't exist anymore. She wants to be with family, but we aren't equipped to care for her. We visit as often as we can, but even if we could go 1x a week, it still wouldn't be enough. Given her current situation, when she is not medicated, she is very upset and doesn't want to live. I've seen the other posts in the forum, so I realize so many others are also going through this situation. DH and I have talked about how to ensure we don't face something similar as we age. But what can we do for her today? She doesn't have a medical directive for this situation. Is it better / kinder to keep her medicated most of the time? Do we just go on for years and years like this? It's truly heartbreaking. |
Anonymous
| I can’t speak to the international aspect of it, but IME, she won’t live long once she has decided she doesn’t want to. So while it’s wise to find a solution that will work for years, also be prepared to only have a short time left with her (or a person that looks like her). |
Anonymous
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Medicated is not a bad idea. If the care facility considers it reasonable.
Btw, "home" means I want to be the way I was (a long time ago). For the elderly it does not mean the most recent residence that they remember. |
Anonymous
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I don't know British laws, but make sure she has the equivalent of an advanced directive that specifies no tube feeding. If she truly does not want to live, she will stop eating. This is what my grandfather did.
Also, I assume they cannot keep her in hospital eternally. What does the hospital propose, since she cannot go home by herself? What is the system of nursing care? My two paternal grandparents both had dementia and lived for years in nursing homes, unhappily for my grandfather, and happily for my grandmother. Medication is tricky. It can lead to more depression and hallucinations, or it can lead to a state of relative contentment. Monitoring is key. I'll be in your shoes at some point, OP. My parents are in France and have no one to care for them. Being international is hard when you reach that stage in your family. |
Anonymous
| It’s not clear to me why you can’t bring her to the US to live. The reality is that people are *usually* best cared for by their loved ones, or in close proximity to their loved ones. While it would be a serious adjustment for her, and an inconvenience for you, It seems reasonable to consider moving her at least close to you. Not knowing how to use the cattle is a really trivial issue. |
Anonymous
She probably does not have a green card, PP. And the green card process is length and laborious. |
Anonymous
Probably no health insurance as well as visa challenges. |
Anonymous
| My MIL decided she'd had enough and stopped eating and declined quickly. |
Anonymous
Because you cannot bring foreign nationals into this country indefinitely, and also she could not get medicare (or any other health insurance in this country). A completely non-workable idea. |
Anonymous
Send her to California |
Anonymous
Me again. Children (in this case, you) can bring their parents in, but it's still a long process and you'd have to consult a lawyer. |
Anonymous
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To be eligible for any Medicare benefits, these individuals must 1) be lawful permanent residents (LPR, holding a green card) and 2) have five years of continuous residence in the United States immediately prior to Medicare enrollment.
https://www.justiceinaging.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/FINAL_Older-Immigrants-and-Medicare.pdf |
Anonymous
It is very hard to find health insurance when you pass certain age. Even if there is one, the price is astronomical. |
Anonymous
Can she paid the ultra high health care costs in the US out of pocket? |
Anonymous
Not exactly. The ACA included a huge benefit to old, well-off people by capping how much insurance companies can vary premiums by age. |