MIL doesn't want to live

[Anonymous]

I would want to die too
She’s 89 dementia and a stroke and you are going to move her across the ocean.
I wish we could give the same respect to humans as we can do our pets at the end.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford assisted living or independent living with a nurse, whatever her level of care needs to be, I'd insist she come. Sounds very demanding, I'm sorry you are dealing with these aging parent issues - internationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford assisted living or independent living with a nurse, whatever her level of care needs to be, I'd insist she come. Sounds very demanding, I'm sorry you are dealing with these aging parent issues - internationally.

But is US immigration going to allow this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not clear to me why you can’t bring her to the US to live. The reality is that people are *usually* best cared for by their loved ones, or in close proximity to their loved ones. While it would be a serious adjustment for her, and an inconvenience for you, It seems reasonable to consider moving her at least close to you. Not knowing how to use the cattle is a really trivial issue.

She probably does not have a green card, PP. And the green card process is length and laborious.

Right because no one ever comes to the US and overstays their visa.

Op she’s lived her life. She’s not living anymore. She’s waiting to die. Like pp said, stopping eating is actually a fairly painless way to go. They do it gradually. It’s time to let her go. If you can, I’d try to get her medicated, but don’t force feed.

[Anonymous]

You cannot necessarily bring your parents into the US just because you want to, or can afford to. We tried to bring my MIL in to live with us because she had ALS, had hired lawyers, etc. She refused to come unless she had official visa even though she could have come for 3 months stretches without a visa. She died before we got the visa (2+ years). This was precovid.

Also you will need an airline willing to fly her over here. Many will refuse to fly someone at 89 with dementia, even if accompanied with a relative, because they are concerned about a medical emergency on the flight. We ran into this problem as well.

[Anonymous]

I have no recommendations, OP. I am going through this with my mother right now, as well. My dad died in December, she was moved into assisted living and is very depressed. I will say, right after my dad died--when she had had a fall and was in skilled nursing next door to him--it was much worse. After two months, we moved into her a small, assisted living room, and it is depressing. She told me many times, she just hopes she dies soon. She lives only a 3-hour-drive away, but with a full-time job and one teenager still at home, it's hard to get there even once a week. With all that said, I was just there the other day, and she is much more content. The delirium and depression of these health issues and hospital stays is pretty hard on them. Your MIL may also fall into a slightly more contended state once she gets out of the hospital--well, a few weeks after. I still contend that we are living way longer than we should with all the healthcare that allows our bodies to outlive our brains. I hope I can find a way to escape that. It is a miserable way to live.

[Anonymous]

OP here: she has been to stay with us over the past five years and has been generally unhappy, crying to "go home" (to a home /life that doesn't exist anymore as someone here mentioned) but we thought "at least she is with family." Our thought was that she could spend six months out of the year here, use travel insurance, and still keep her doctors etc in UK. That was pre-covid. And even that was challenging because she has DVT, so we would have to buy her first class airfare or she would come by cruise ship. After a 2-year lock down and her stroke, her health has declined so much, she really can't travel.

She has lost a ton of weight over past 3 years, to those who suggested stopping eating is a good way to go, but she is also a tough cookie who has survived a horrible case of shingles that effected her scalp and eye, as well as nerve damage to her arm from falling down the stairs. Can you imagine nerve pain on top of everything else? I have so much empathy for her misery.

Agree with PP that we treat our pets more humanely at end of life.

I will ensure there is clarity in her medical directive around tube feeding and artificial support, thank you for that tip.

The next step I guess is AL in UK. We've been looking at facilities a few hours a way, in a town where she used to live and where her husband is buried. We thought that might be a good place for her last days but nurses are skeptical about her traveling there (by car/ ferry) and how long she will last.

I think it's time to ask some harder questions from the medical team. DH sort of pussyfoots around it and doesn't ask hard questions because he "doesn't want to know."

Thanks for all the comments. I guess I just really came here to vent/ mourn, because I'm not sure there is a good solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no recommendations, OP. I am going through this with my mother right now, as well. My dad died in December, she was moved into assisted living and is very depressed. I will say, right after my dad died--when she had had a fall and was in skilled nursing next door to him--it was much worse. After two months, we moved into her a small, assisted living room, and it is depressing. She told me many times, she just hopes she dies soon. She lives only a 3-hour-drive away, but with a full-time job and one teenager still at home, it's hard to get there even once a week. With all that said, I was just there the other day, and she is much more content. The delirium and depression of these health issues and hospital stays is pretty hard on them. Your MIL may also fall into a slightly more contended state once she gets out of the hospital--well, a few weeks after. I still contend that we are living way longer than we should with all the healthcare that allows our bodies to outlive our brains. I hope I can find a way to escape that. It is a miserable way to live.

Sorry you are also going through this. I also have a teen at home and work. My MIL has been telling us for 5 years she hopes to die soon. Similarly, she was worse immediately after her husband died. Then she sort of adapted, but she wasn't really happy. Agree it's a miserable way to live. I've rethought my perspective on end of life decisions for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to die too
She’s 89 dementia and a stroke and you are going to move her across the ocean.
I wish we could give the same respect to humans as we can do our pets at the end.

Reading comprehension is not your strength. OP did not say they were moving her to to the US.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if end of life is this awful everywhere, or worse in westernized countries?

I remember my mother’s live-in aide saying Africans were appalled by how we pay strangers to care for our parents in old age. I found this to be ironic, because her sister was raising her young children in Africa.

[Anonymous]

"I will ensure there is clarity in her medical directive around tube feeding and artificial support, thank you for that tip."

It could be set up to refuse all but pain medication. No medication for any illness or issues like blood pressure. Pneumonia or Covid may be a blessing, best not to fight it.

[Anonymous]

Is there medical aid in dying in the UK? The dementia would probably be a problem though -- being lucid enough to be unhappy would probably not qualify as being lucid enough to be of sound mind to make a decision.

I'm so sorry. We really shouldn't live this long with so much misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there medical aid in dying in the UK? The dementia would probably be a problem though -- being lucid enough to be unhappy would probably not qualify as being lucid enough to be of sound mind to make a decision.

I'm so sorry. We really shouldn't live this long with so much misery.

There's always Switzerland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t speak to the international aspect of it, but IME, she won’t live long once she has decided she doesn’t want to. So while it’s wise to find a solution that will work for years, also be prepared to only have a short time left with her (or a person that looks like her).

Not true. My mom’s been ready to die for years, but nothing will kill her. Just a slow downward spiral, mentally and physically. We treat our dogs better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not clear to me why you can’t bring her to the US to live. The reality is that people are *usually* best cared for by their loved ones, or in close proximity to their loved ones. While it would be a serious adjustment for her, and an inconvenience for you, It seems reasonable to consider moving her at least close to you. Not knowing how to use the cattle is a really trivial issue.

She probably does not have a green card, PP. And the green card process is length and laborious.

For parents of US citizens is 3 months. And as a British citizen she can come here for 6 months at the time as a “tourist”, return there for 1 week and come back again.