I hate travelling now, especially with my family

[Anonymous]

This is not related to the pandemic or the recent travel nightmares. Over the last 3-4 years I realize I don’t want to travel, and I especially hate traveling with my family. We’ve got two kids and my husband and kids never want to do the same things I want. They all 3 like the same things so we usually default to that. We’ll do an occasional thing I want, but they complain throughout and want to cut it short so it isn’t enjoyable. They also want to stop and snack all the time, then don’t want to sit for a real meal, which I prefer than constant snacking. I find myself either going along with their stuff or we spend time apart with me doing my thing (e.g., eating alone in a restaurant) and then meeting up together, but they tend to complain if I’m not with them and it feels pointless. Even if we all want to go to the same place, we don’t like the same things! We all like amusement parks, but they like playing the games (I don’t like any of those games) and I like riding the roller coasters and rides, which none of them like. So we either split up or I wait while they play and they wait while I ride alone. It feels like such a waste of money to me. I hate the beach, they love the beach. I like walking through new cities to explore or taking tours, they like hanging at the hotel pool, etc.
My husband just can’t stand the idea that we spend part of our vacation apart because it’s “family vacation.”

And separate from that, what I really miss is just being home alone. I just want to putter around my house without feeding or driving anyone and get through a couple of home projects without any demands on my time and attention.

We are about to plan our next vacation and I’m dreading it.

[Anonymous]

Take a vacation on your own or with a girlfriend or two.

I think these things would not bother you so much on family vacation but they reflect that you are not getting the you time you need.

Last summer I took 3 days to myself at home and it was absolutely amazing.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you should do a separate vacation with a friend who aligns with what you like every so often. That may scratch your vacation itch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should do a separate vacation with a friend who aligns with what you like every so often. That may scratch your vacation itch.

It sounds like your kids are older or at least not toddlers. Do this. I started taking a weekend trip once a year with a friend a couple of years ago and it’s been great. The kids don’t want to explore cities. We have a nice time and go out to restaurants and see new things. I couldn’t do that when they were little but it’s fine now that they are in middle school and older. We still take family vacations. I encourage DH to take a weekend with his friends but he has yet to do so. He really wants to camp and none of us want to go.

[Anonymous]

how old are your kids, OP? They sound younger than teenagers, but fyi, many families stop doing the family vacation when they have teens because it's just not fun. (But it can be fun again when they are in college or yound adults)

I think many moms, in particular, are the unpaid coordinator of what everyone else wants to do. So the rest of the family gets a vacation, but you get a trip. A slog. Another project to manage.

For me, when it's my whole family (4 of us) it was miserable because everyone wants to do something different and I can't bend in all directions at once.

This culminated in me having such a crappy time at a National Park in spring 2021 I decided no more family vacations. I had almost passed out on a trail because 1) wrong trail--DH wouldn't listen, 2) Wrong time of day (noon, hot!), because DC1 held us up while primping for the trail, 3) Me going on the trail, because DC2 insisted I go because she "wanted all of us to go as a family."

I have discovered that I have a really good time when I'm with just ONE of them--doesn't matter which one. I can bend to what they want, and they are a little more sensitive to what I want. Think about it...if you are in the car with two kids, they are doing their thing and you are "mom." They are fighting and you are mom, dealing with it, etc. But if just one kid is in the car (especially in the front seat), you are still mom, but it's a different kind of conversation. You're not referee or enforcer or placator or negotiator or ____ etc. It's a better bonding experience.

My DC1's first year of college was last year, and my most fun day was traveling alone to visit her, going a day early, and sleeping and eating by myself at the hotel while she finished her last final exam. (Then I had a great next day with her at brunch and driving around, then meeting her new friends for dinner.) But that first day alone...

Sounds like that's what you need, OP. A day alone. And then just do something with each family member.

[Anonymous]

I dream about a vacation all alone.

[Anonymous]

Plan a girls trip. Two short ones a year.

But I don’t think you should give up on the family vacations, you only have a few more years of them. Try to relax and go with the flow and make some fun memories. And keep dreaming about the girls trips while you’re on the family vacation!

[Anonymous]

I don't let my family run roughshod over me. I'm the trip planner, so I pick the destination I want, then incorporate items that my husband, my rising senior and my middle schooler will appreciate, in terms of sightseeing, activities, accommodations and food. We each have our preferences, with some overlap. It's tricky, but so far we've managed to have enjoyable vacations. I DO put a ton of research into my trip planning!

[Anonymous]

I love being at home alone and it rarely happens. My fall resolution (once summer and summer vacations are over) is to take some days off work when I'll be home alone all day. Even if I have to play sick. I get so much more done when I'm alone. Or maybe I'll watch TV all day.

You should do this too.

[Anonymous]

How old are they? Vacations got a lot more fun after my kids got into high school-middle schoolers on vacation were pretty bad.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I don’t always have similar vacation styles, but we have gotten to the point where we are each ok with the other doing their own thing sometimes. We have 2 DDs and one loves hiking like my DH, and the other loves chilling on the beach or getting pampered at a spa, so we split up sometimes. We each have special time alone with a kid and bonus is that everyone enjoys what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband pushing the kids to support Mom and do the things she likes? He should be helping to set the tone so the expectation isn't that the kids are catered to 24/7.

I find myself either going along with their stuff or we spend time apart with me doing my thing (e.g., eating alone in a restaurant) and then meeting up together, but they tend to complain if I’m not with them and it feels pointless.

See, Dad should be saying, "Oh good, Mom had a fun meal all to herself!" It's the least he can do when vacations tend to favor his preferences.

If they're going to complain when you're not around, then institute a rule that everyone gets to pick one activity, one meal, etc. If they don't like the things you pick, then they'll quickly learn not to complain so much about doing things separately.

Really, you're doing the right things, and kids will be kids with self-centered viewpoints, but that doesn't mean you bend to them. Your DH needs to understand what's important to you and give up his view of a "perfect vacation" which is only possible if you morph into a totally different person. He didn't marry a pool lounger, and that needs to be OK.

[Anonymous]

No complaining on a vacation! Check the entitlement at the car door. However, I always made an attempt to find activities that the kids were interested in. You have to even it out and communicate that fact to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Can you split the next one? You arrive early or leave late, so you get a few days at home alone?

[Anonymous]

DH needs to understand that there can be no 100% together family vacation when needs/wants vary so widely. That said, if you do all want to be together then everybody needs a little give-and-take. You need to wait for their games while they sit for your rides and there’s no way around that. That said, there’s nothing wrong with going to visit a city and allowing each person to choose whether they would like to take a tour or stay at the hotel some morning. Then later that afternoon is an activity you all do together. Some days could be dinner on the run but certain days are scheduled for nice meals and restaurants. Everybody just needs to be flexible and considerate or be willing to forego the idea of family vacation.