DS living with us is experiencing anxiety and depression

[Anonymous]

DS graduated college a little over a year ago, moved in with us and worked remotely until recently when he started going to office a couple of days a week. He gradually has let friendships go, has let his appearance/cleanliness go, etc and seems tired most of the time. He is feeling depression and now anxiety. I think the whole Covid lockdown made him nervous and I've tried getting him to a therapist for the last year and he finally went a few weeks ago and is going to next see a psychiatrist as I think he wants medication. I'm not sure how to be helpful- I try to encourage him to take care of himself without nagging (which is tough to do). I'm hopeful that he will get back to his normal self- which has always been an bright, warm, outgoing and happy person. Maybe we should have told him to live with friends-roomates post college? Could this be part of the problem? He tells us he isn't in any rush to move out(we get along well and have plenty of room in a convenient location)

[Anonymous]

Depression doesn’t go away with more fun roommates. Your child is doing all the right things - therapist and medication.

Maybe educate yourself on depression and anxiety, and let him figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Try to get him to go on walks with you. Be supportive.

[Anonymous]

OP - It is better for him that his depression and anxiety developed when he was not living in a situation in which he might have tried to mask it for peers and/or to more easily mix it with alcohol. It may well have also been "triggered" by the major life transition that finishing education and having to make new and daily life changing ones of getting a job can easily bring on with so many unknowns. It is very good that your son has wanted to start therapy as his therapist can be reassuring that the next step for him is a full evaluation with a psychiatrist.
The suggestion to encourage an outdoor activity such as a walk or to go to a pool to swim if he enjoys that is right on as the mental health is intertwined with the physical. If his sleep patterns are not broken up, then I would say that is a positive in a difficult time. Getting out starting in short spans for a physical outlet can also help deal with the anxiety feelings. Neither will be resolved by medication in a week or two, but after several weeks you should see an improvement and it may take some adjustment of dosage to find the right level. Let your son set his own pace on recovery. Hard as it is, try not to ask "How are you feeling?" One thing you can do is to see that DS gets proper nutrition during this time.

[Anonymous]

Wow, amazing advice above (getting him out, keeping him busy). Make him get out with you, entice him with lunch or something, do local and low-key things you don't have to plan in advance. Volunteer work (not via computer, needs to be outside the home) would be icing on the cake.

If I could go back in time, that's how I would have wished my parents would have helped me.

I preferred to live with my parents or family until my 30s due to anxiety - one thing that helped a lot was moving to my sister's for a year before living alone. It got me in the mindset of independence. She was active (socially and physically) so seeing that helped. But it was nice to have someone to watch tv with or have chats in the evening, less isolating.

In summary, living with friends might not sound that great to your son, but if he has a *mature* friend, or older relative/family friend with a spare room that may be food for thought.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some good advice. My DS with depression/anxiety is 19, living at home and going to community college. A number of his behaviors are challenging but what has helped is that we are still able to impose some routine/structure/activities that help him. He still has to walk the family dog twice a day which means that I make him get up by 8:30 every morning so he can be out the door with the dog by 9:00. He also has to be out the door for the second walk no later than 9PM. I can't control when he goes to bed but we have limited cellular data and I still have the controls on the router so he can't stay up all night playing video games. Keeping good sleep hygiene can't be overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've gotten some good advice. My DS with depression/anxiety is 19, living at home and going to community college. A number of his behaviors are challenging but what has helped is that we are still able to impose some routine/structure/activities that help him. He still has to walk the family dog twice a day which means that I make him get up by 8:30 every morning so he can be out the door with the dog by 9:00. He also has to be out the door for the second walk no later than 9PM. I can't control when he goes to bed but we have limited cellular data and I still have the controls on the router so he can't stay up all night playing video games. Keeping good sleep hygiene can't be overrated.

This is what I use to keep my 15 yr old son from hibernating 24/7 in his room. Dog duties. I suspect I'll be using the same technique for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Why was he in lockdown? That's the problem. He should have been out having fun and living life all these years, like my six children have done. If you follow all the rules, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was he in lockdown? That's the problem. He should have been out having fun and living life all these years, like my six children have done. If you follow all the rules, what's the point?

This is so helpful!

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you have a talk when he’s doing well about setting a schedule for exercise and getting out of the house. Ask him if he wants to do these things, and that you will “follow up” on his commitments.

Don’t overschedule to where he would fail, but you can now legitimately nag him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was he in lockdown? That's the problem. He should have been out having fun and living life all these years, like my six children have done. If you follow all the rules, what's the point?

OP here- I shouldn't have used the word lockdown- what I meant was restrictive- school was remote, then graduated and job was all remote. He still went out, did things with friends, etc. He was living his life and doing plenty.

[Anonymous]

Definitely echo all the posters urging outside the house time. Are there any nature-y spots near you? Gently ask him to accompany you whenever possible when you go out. Make it a habit. Let him feel helpful to you, even in small ways. You already said this, but do not nag!

Also, medication can work wonders. It may take time to find the right one for him though, so don’t let that discourage him or you.

Best of luck! He has wonderful supporting family.

[Anonymous]

OP here, wanted to give you an update- DS is seeing therapist weekly and also saw a psych who put him on Zoloft.(medication started this week). He seems to be doing pretty well and I'm hopeful that the Zoloft is a good medication for him. He has been working out and seems to have more energy so things seem to be going in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Op, living at home is depressing. It would be better if he had his own place or lived in an apartment with a friend or two.

I lived at home off and n throughout my twenties and was always much happier whe not living at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why was he in lockdown? That's the problem. He should have been out having fun and living life all these years, like my six children have done. If you follow all the rules, what's the point?

Is forced-independence parent-of-six a recurring fictional character on this forum, or what?