Jen Hatmaker
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Anonymous
| Wait - is this promise ceremony talk a joke? or just speculation? |
Anonymous
| How about them teasing a podcast in stories earlier today where they are all about loving it when the camera pans to Taylor swift at chiefs games. Except she hasn’t even been to the last two games. 🙄 They’re just trying out a hot take for conversation sake, or maybe name-dropping Taylor in hopes to get an interview with her or Travis. If they were actually watching the games they would know Taylor has been absent. |
Anonymous
| Jen is of course watching the games. No one taught her how to be a girl, dontcha know? |
Anonymous
Do you think Taylor Swift (or Travis Kelce) would actually agree to be on Jen's podcast? It seems like they're both at a level of celebrity where that would be a step down for them. What would they have to gain from it? |
Anonymous
Taylor, absolutely not. She does very little publicity and I doubt Jen's slapstick podcast would pass the sniff test with her publicist. Travis, doubtful. I would be very surprised. Not now. Once his star begins to fall a bit, possibly. If Jen and Tyler actually think they have a shot at that, they're more delusional than I suspected. |
Anonymous
There are accents that truly grate on me so I get it. In fact the way Big Sis talks makes me “want to throw things” it is so wierdly fakey and exaggerated. But for whatever reason i could listen to Leanne Morgan all day long. 😂 |
Anonymous
How about Jen saying “do we have to be mad about everything??” while being mad that people are mad that they show taylor 🙄🤦♀️ make it make sense. |
Anonymous
I laughed at this too. I’m pretty sure that, the day before, she posted a story about how enraged she was at fall weather. “Few things fill me with unbridled rage like humidity in Texas in September!”. Also, “Do we have to be mad about everything?” She’s ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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To: Jane Capstitcher
From: Heater, Choice Communications SUBJECT: Promise Ceremony is a GO! Hi Jane! How are you, bestie!? I know the suspense is probably getting to you - Ruby texted about the extra Black Box Sauv Blanc empties in your recycle bin and was a little concerned - so I'll jump right in: Trevor signed the amendment to your relationship agreement and he's agreed to the "promise ceremony" with the following stipulations. Here we go: He's down for having the Promise Ceremony in BEWDA but he wants final approval on the guest list and he doesn't want you to have input on his attire. And I quote: "Yo Heater, I'm gonna be wearing my word shirt black bandana combo or my jacket and tie black bandana combo and I'll decide which one the day of. And no, I'm not gonna specify whether it's my Member's Only knockoff or the blazer—probably the Members Only knockoff because the blazer is a little tight right now. I'm not down with Jane Leopolda Kringleschmitz all up in my drip and can I be real witchu? I'm not about the coordinating coordinating outfits." So there's that. Trev is OK with technically calling this a promise ceremony and is fine with you putting that on the invitations but is firm that his vows not be referred to as vows - I suggested statement, litany, and recitation as possible subs so I'm waiting to hear back. He's pretty firm that is his...well, whatever we're calling it...won't include the actual word promise and isn't, and I quote: "I gotta be real, Heater. I'm not down with having Jane Leopolda Kringleschmitz review my words in advance and she'll just have to deal with it and be happy I'm participating, yo. She can say whatever she wants and I agree not to roll my eyes, aight?" In addition to the words "vows" and "promise" other excluded words include: love, partner commitment, everlasting,panties forever. You also must agree not to mention his mother or any of his Nashville crew, attempt to invite them or contact them at any point in this process. He's fine with presenting you a ring and making it part of the...um...event...and is open to whatever style you're interested in and you wearing it on whatever hand/finger you're most happy with as long as you understand that he will not be wearing a ring nor will he allow you to present him one at the...you know. Whatever. LOLZ. Reminding you again that you'll be footing the bill for the ring, flowers, music, catering, Trev's travel to and from BEWDA, and any professional photography you choose to have. Trevor has stated, and I quote: "Yo, whatever Jane Leopolda Kringleschmitz is down with, you know what I'm sayin'? As long as I'm not financially obligated for any expenses related to this party." But some good news! Trev has up to five Litter Robots that he can have sent to the event and is willing to gift them to attendees or make them part of your party favor theme. He said something about wanting to pair them up with some of his Childless Cat Lady Word Shirts - guess he has a TON of extra inventory - but this will be after the election, so who knows whether those will age well. We're crossing our fingers, of course. #BLUENOMATTERWHO We can book him a roundtrip from BNA to AUS on Southwest and we may want to look at renting him a car so he can zip around BEWDA at his leisure. He's a six foot two black man with dreads - as you've reminded me 525, 600 times - and might not feel safe bebop-a-lu-la-ing around BEWDA on foot. I'm not seeing him being OK with using the Vespa but I'm happy to present that to him if it's available for his use during his limited stay in town. We're still working on the complicated nuances of the extended brand partnership agreement but I know you're chomping at the bit to announce the "Promise Ceremony" to your "community", so you've got the green light for that. As always, you're welcome to tag Trevor, but he kindly reminds you that the current agreement doesn't obligate him to reciprocate or acknowledge any online mentions. Feel free to run the verbiage by me before posting. Pretty please. And mark me down for me and a +1 for the Promise Ceremony. Can't wait to celebrate with you in person. After all, I'll have to see this thing with my own eyes to believe it. Talk soon! XOXOXOX Heater -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IG X POSTED to FB Dearly Bewildereds, We are gathered here today, COMMUNITY, for a special announcement, news I am ELATED to share with you. @thetrevorbarrettproject and I will be taking part in a PROMISE CEREMONY on Sunday, November 18 at 3 p.m. at my BEWDA estate. That's the same day the Texans play the Cowboys and of course, we'll have the game on that evening because my sisters and I never learned how to be girls and also because Trevor will probably be tired by then and just want to sit back and chill with a bowl of Cheetos. The PROMISE CEREMONY, where Trevor and I will speak affirming words while gazing into each other's glistening eyes, will take place on my front porch (where else?!) in front of my porch bed where we have spent many happy moments, right BABEEEEE @thetrevorbarrettproject <wink emoji eggplant emoji fire emoji> We are not getting married. We are not getting engaged. Neither one of us intends to relocate. But, we're officially promising to continue to be girlfriend and boyfriend and bring you all sorts of SHENANIGANS every couple of months, more often if I can manage to scrape up airfare to get us both to some quaint, DARLING spot, like Razzencratch or Drooble Harbor where we can schmooze with the LOCAL GAYS, hold babies, and in general, impress the DEAR, DEAR, SWEET CHOCOLATE COVERED locals with our D list celebrity awesomeness. There won't be an officiant because this is not legally binding whatsoever and also because DEE-CON-STRUC-SHUN but the environment will be highly spiritual and energetic. Abby and Glennon will be in attendance, and hopefully Sarah and Kristen. The loose plan is for them to all join hands around Trevor and me and softly sing "Come to My Window" while Trevor and I clasp hands. It will be RIVETING. EMOTIONAL. CLEANSING. And that's not all! There will also be a statement ring, and it will be glorious. Although the gathering will be very intimate and only include my local RIDE OR DIES, who, let's be honest, I will mostly ignore since the above-mentioned group of RIDE OR DIES will be in attendance, and whichever of my five MANIACS and I can corral into participating for the day, I am planning to live stream the event for a select few of my COMMUNITY members who have been such an important part of the love journey Trevor and I have shared for three long, long, long years. The link to sign up is going to be in my stories - use the code JENPROMISES to get an additional discount on the broadcast. I know you can't wait, beleaguereds. Tra la la. |
Anonymous
| Oh, how we’ve missed you, Jane Capstitcher scribe! You are amazing. |
Anonymous
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((Snorts)) #Bluenomatterwho!!! Hahahaha!!
Also hilarious- "they'll gather around us and softly sing 'Come to my window'". Dying!! For the PP who said they were from New England and asked what a promise ceremony is, this is surprisingly accurate, even though it was written in snark. |
Anonymous
Thanks! I have never been to one so I took a stab at what Jen & Tyler's promise ceremony would look like. Their IRL escapades lately have been very uninspiring so whoever posted the true/fact/fiction/wish they'd have a PROMISE CEREMONY, thanks for the idea. I will be softly singing "Come to My Window" and giggling for the rest of the day. Tra la la. |
Anonymous
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Razzencratch or Drooble Harbor hahahahaha
What no planned Fawn Over the Local Gays and Huge All The Babies MeTrips to Whitechalk Crest or Bimpdripple Bay? |
Anonymous
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Is Big Sis really going to have a promise ceremony? Has she announced this?
Sounds absolutely ridiculous. With a "promise ring"? Is she 15 years old still? Isn't Big Sis also hater of all things purity culture? Wouldn't a promise ring provoke PTSD to such a degree that she's need 146 hours of deconstruction trauma therapy? |
Anonymous
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It has to be a joke but I have actually heard that rumor before - probably about a year ago and it was called a "Commitment Ceremony."
Whatever it's called, that is the absolute stupidest thing but you can bet your assets that Jen would raise her hand to do anything Tyler suggested. Everyone can see he's not very into her and if she could wrangle him into some kind of ceremony to affirm their fake relationship, she would do so in a heartbeat. She's always contradicted herself so it would be no surprise. |