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[quote=Anonymous]To: Jane Capstitcher

From: Heater, Choice Communications

SUBJECT: Promise Ceremony is a GO!

Hi Jane!

How are you, bestie!? I know the suspense is probably getting to you - Ruby texted about the extra Black Box Sauv Blanc empties in your recycle bin and was a little concerned - so I'll jump right in:

Trevor signed the amendment to your relationship agreement and he's agreed to the "promise ceremony" with the following stipulations. Here we go:

He's down for having the Promise Ceremony in BEWDA but he wants final approval on the guest list and he doesn't want you to have input on his attire. And I quote:

"Yo Heater, I'm gonna be wearing my word shirt black bandana combo or my jacket and tie black bandana combo and I'll decide which one the day of. And no, I'm not gonna specify whether it's my Member's Only knockoff or the blazer—probably the Members Only knockoff because the blazer is a little tight right now. I'm not down with Jane Leopolda Kringleschmitz all up in my drip and can I be real witchu? I'm not about the coordinating coordinating outfits."

So there's that.

Trev is OK with technically calling this a promise ceremony and is fine with you putting that on the invitations but is firm that his vows not be referred to as vows - I suggested statement, litany, and recitation as possible subs so I'm waiting to hear back. He's pretty firm that is his...well, whatever we're calling it...won't include the actual word promise and isn't, and I quote:

"I gotta be real, Heater. I'm not down with having Jane Leopolda Kringleschmitz review my words in advance and she'll just have to deal with it and be happy I'm participating, yo. She can say whatever she wants and I agree not to roll my eyes, aight?"

In addition to the words "vows" and "promise" other excluded words include:

love,
partner
commitment, 
everlasting,panties
forever.

You also must agree not to mention his mother or any of his Nashville crew, attempt to invite them or contact them at any point in this process.

He's fine with presenting you a ring and making it part of the...um...event...and is open to whatever style you're interested in and you wearing it on whatever hand/finger you're most happy with as long as you understand that he will not be wearing a ring nor will he allow you to present him one at the...you know.

Whatever. LOLZ.

Reminding you again that you'll be footing the bill for the ring, flowers, music, catering, Trev's travel to and from BEWDA, and any professional photography you choose to have.

Trevor has stated, and I quote:

"Yo, whatever Jane Leopolda Kringleschmitz is down with, you know what I'm sayin'? As long as I'm not financially obligated for any expenses related to this party."

But some good news! Trev has up to five Litter Robots that he can have sent to the event and is willing to gift them to attendees or make them part of your party favor theme. He said something about wanting to pair them up with some of his Childless Cat Lady Word Shirts - guess he has a TON of extra inventory - but this will be after the election, so who knows whether those will age well. We're crossing our fingers, of course. #BLUENOMATTERWHO

We can book him a roundtrip from BNA to AUS on Southwest and we may want to look at renting him a car so he can zip around BEWDA at his leisure. He's a six foot two black man with dreads - as you've reminded me 525, 600 times - and might not feel safe bebop-a-lu-la-ing around BEWDA on foot. I'm not seeing him being OK with using the Vespa but I'm happy to present that to him if it's available for his use during his limited stay in town.

We're still working on the complicated nuances of the extended brand partnership agreement but I know you're chomping at the bit to announce the "Promise Ceremony" to your "community", so you've got the green light for that.

As always, you're welcome to tag Trevor, but he kindly reminds you that the current agreement doesn't obligate him to reciprocate or acknowledge any online mentions.

Feel free to run the verbiage by me before posting. Pretty please.

And mark me down for me and a +1 for the Promise Ceremony. Can't wait to celebrate with you in person. After all, I'll have to see this thing with my own eyes to believe it.

Talk soon!

XOXOXOX
Heater
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IG X POSTED to FB

Dearly Bewildereds,

We are gathered here today, COMMUNITY, for a special announcement, news I am ELATED to share with you.

@thetrevorbarrettproject and I will be taking part in a PROMISE CEREMONY on Sunday, November 18 at 3 p.m. at my BEWDA estate. That's the same day the Texans play the Cowboys and of course, we'll have the game on that evening because my sisters and I never learned how to be girls and also because Trevor will probably be tired by then and just want to sit back and chill with a bowl of Cheetos.

The PROMISE CEREMONY, where Trevor and I will speak affirming words while gazing into each other's glistening eyes, will take place on my front porch (where else?!) in front of my porch bed where we have spent many happy moments, right BABEEEEE @thetrevorbarrettproject  <wink emoji eggplant emoji fire emoji>

We are not getting married. We are not getting engaged. Neither one of us intends to relocate. But, we're officially promising to continue to be girlfriend and boyfriend and bring you all sorts of SHENANIGANS every couple of months, more often if I can manage to scrape up airfare to get us both to some quaint, DARLING spot, like Razzencratch or Drooble Harbor where we can schmooze with the LOCAL GAYS, hold babies, and in general, impress the DEAR, DEAR, SWEET CHOCOLATE COVERED locals with our D list celebrity awesomeness.

There won't be an officiant because this is not legally binding whatsoever and also because DEE-CON-STRUC-SHUN but the environment will be highly spiritual and energetic. Abby and Glennon will be in attendance, and hopefully Sarah and Kristen. The loose plan is for them to all join hands around Trevor and me and softly sing "Come to My Window" while Trevor and I clasp hands.

It will be RIVETING. EMOTIONAL. CLEANSING. And that's not all!

There will also be a statement ring, and it will be glorious.

Although the gathering will be very intimate and only include my local RIDE OR DIES, who, let's be honest, I will mostly ignore since the above-mentioned group of RIDE OR DIES will be in attendance, and whichever of my five MANIACS and I can corral into participating for the day, I am planning to live stream the event for a select few of my COMMUNITY members who have been such an important part of the love journey Trevor and I have shared for three long, long, long years.

The link to sign up is going to be in my stories - use the code JENPROMISES to get an additional discount on the broadcast.

I know you can't wait, beleaguereds. 
Tra la la.[/quote]

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