“If they choose to have children…”
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Anonymous
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I have middle schoolers, and my mom was talking about my future grandkids. I said something like “maybe someday, if they choose to have children…”
She was so upset about this. Saying of course they will have children. It’s not my choice, and maybe they’ll have big families of 5 kids. I admit I was a little surprised by her reaction. I said it casually without thinking too much about it. Is this a common reaction? Should I have anticipated this? |
Anonymous
| Not a common reaction -- I think this is a situation built for "....wow. Are you ok?" |
Anonymous
| Maybe it's a generational difference. But you're right, she's wrong. |
Anonymous
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Some people put a lot of their personal worth in their families they have had so they get unreasonably upset when they hear a descendant (or even sometimes anyone close!) doesn't want to have children.
I've been on the receiving end of this. Now as an adult, I'd just change the conversation because it doesn't matter whether grandma thinks her grandchildren should have kids. |
Anonymous
| A big, close family was valued by the older generations and choosing not to have kids (as opposed to naturally being unable to have them) can seem like a character flaw of selfishness. None of my cousins have kids because they enjoy traveling too much and my aunts are honestly devastated by this. Their kids think they should be happy that they're happy. Generational differences. |
Anonymous
| And having children or not isn’t always a deliberate decision. Some people have kids through no choice of their own. Some people never have kids despite trying. So the verbiage is off but MIL’s reaction was intense. |
Anonymous
| My friend is childless by choice and I told her to just say she can’t have kids to get the older generation off her back. She did lol, of course now they pity her. |
Anonymous
| My parents gave me no choice about having children. They badgered me for years to start a family. They actually became abusive with their intrusion and guilt tactics. So yes, I could totally see my parents reacting the same way as your mom. Having endured their abuse, I'm more like you and would never presume that my kids will have kids of their own. |
Anonymous
| My mom would 100% react the same way. That's how she was with me, so I'm sure she just assumes her granddaughters will have kids |
Anonymous
| Her reaction was not typical. Neither of you know what the future will bring. My SIL never had kids and when she was in middle school, she likely thought she would. In middle school, my dd was choosing names for her future kids. Now she is a college student who claims she could never bring children into this world. I tell her that it is her choice (bc it obviously is). If it comes up again, you can ask your mom why she gets so upset when you use the “if” word. You have no control over what your children do and neither does she. If it makes her feel better to say “when they have children” instead of “if they have children”, she should know that the end result will be the same. They will only have them if they want to. |
Anonymous
| No, it’s not a normal reaction, and certainly she can’t be thinking she gets input into something like that. “You’re right, it’s not my choice, or yours - either way”. And leave it at that. |
Anonymous
| She’s probably stressed about death. |
Anonymous
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Shrug. She had a reaction. She's likely facing her mortality in a way that you aren't right now. All you have to do is say what you feel/teach your children, which is: "We will love and support Hannah whether she chooses to have children or not." And then don't try to manage your mom's feelings because:
a) They don't matter when it comes to Hannah's life and choices b) You can't manage someone else's feelings. You aren't responsible for the way she feels. The way she feels does not impact you directly. It's OK for her to upset herself in this way. |
Anonymous
Same here. When it took me more than a few months to conceive my first, my mother showed up at lunch with a bag of ovulation tests and asked me if I was even really trying. She also told me she expected to be “like a second mother” to my kids. As you can imagine, it did not get better when the kids finally arrived. Sigh. I will never do this to my kids. |
Anonymous
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This is like the kind of thing that is insane to be arguing about now. If you know she feels that way, then just don't say that again. You can continue to have a healthy respect for your kids individual choices, she can continue to believe great grandchildren are going to be a thing, and you can all rest relatively assured that your kids will do what they will do with your support and she is unlikely to live long enough to know for sure either way.
I just don't understand why people have these arguments about potential futures that are literal decades away. |