If you could start over, what kind of man would you want to date?

[Anonymous]

For DWs who married and learned what marriage life is like. If you could start over, what kind of man would you date in college or after college. What would you prioritize- man’s look, character, intelligence? What else is important to you if you could start all over again?

[Anonymous]

I’d pay more attention to his family of origin, his relationship with them and their relationships with each other. I didn’t realize how important that information is.

[Anonymous]

Someone without a hypercontrolling nature and no ADHD or Asperger's tendencies.
My husband just had another tantrum this morning. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d pay more attention to his family of origin, his relationship with them and their relationships with each other. I didn’t realize how important that information is.

Ditto. Also their ability to communicate- both positive and negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d pay more attention to his family of origin, his relationship with them and their relationships with each other. I didn’t realize how important that information is.

Same
My ex parents seemed great. He thought because his parents were not divorced and had the ideal of his family in his mind.
They are all alcoholics and the Dad enables the Moms insecurities that they completely neglect the kids and grandkids

But they have grey hair love purple and fool the outside world

Now I’m the bad guy because I wont cater to it so since I have kids I still have to deal with my ex and his parents BS and sadly my ex is just like them but still sees himself as something he is not

[Anonymous]

Excellent question! Someone kind to me has control over their anger, has empathy and is freely able to express their emotions. Also they they can communicate above a 4th grade level and talk to resolve problems with out yelling. I'm so sick of the anger and defensiveness as the first emotion from DH. I would never again get married at 19. So stupid but I didn't really have a choice.

[Anonymous]

oh and also not afraid to give out affection.

[Anonymous]

You could do all this and still end up with someone who undergoes personality changes over the years. A crystal ball is what is really needed.

[Anonymous]

Family money. Beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d pay more attention to his family of origin, his relationship with them and their relationships with each other. I didn’t realize how important that information is.

x a gazillion.

If they are one way, there is an issue - no, multiple issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could do all this and still end up with someone who undergoes personality changes over the years. A crystal ball is what is really needed.

True. And they could be the best person ever, and die in a car crash. Nothing is certain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d pay more attention to his family of origin, his relationship with them and their relationships with each other. I didn’t realize how important that information is.

Same
My ex parents seemed great. He thought because his parents were not divorced and had the ideal of his family in his mind.
They are all alcoholics and the Dad enables the Moms insecurities that they completely neglect the kids and grandkids

But they have grey hair love purple and fool the outside world

Now I’m the bad guy because I wont cater to it so since I have kids I still have to deal with my ex and his parents BS and sadly my ex is just like them but still sees himself as something he is not

+1

BINGO. Sometimes the "little old ladies" have (instead of actual wisdom) a lifetime of bitterness and sharpening their tongues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone without a hypercontrolling nature and no ADHD or Asperger's tendencies.
My husband just had another tantrum this morning. It's exhausting.

+1

THIS. They mask it for so long, then it gets really, really bad. God forbid they pass those traits on to your poor, unsuspecting, innocent children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d pay more attention to his family of origin, his relationship with them and their relationships with each other. I didn’t realize how important that information is.

Ditto. Also their ability to communicate- both positive and negative.

Yup. If one or both of their parents is a dictator, silently or not, RUN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family money. Beach house.

I do think their family is important. We are doing OK despite MIL's dysfunctional family, but it does increase the odds your spouse will have issues if their FOO is full of them. When you're 22 you're all, "Of COURSE I will never be like my parents." 10 or 20 years later, yup, you're just like them . . .