How to bridge trying to stopping

[Anonymous]

It was with years of discussion and relationship work that DH and I came to the agreement of trying for a third child. We officially agreed to start trying about a year ago when I turned 40yo as “let’s just see what happens” and an agreement in advance that this was either going to happen on its own, not with clomid or seeing an RE. I used to chart to avoid, no longer temp, just track my period and felt like I had a decent sense. I’ve had two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage since then, one at 8wks, one at 10wks. It’s now been 6 months since the last pregnancy and I’m feeling like I can’t bridge being hopeful and the idea that “oh yes, we’re hoping to have another” and “maybe it’s time to quietly move on.” It hasn’t helped that suddenly now that work is back in person it feels like everyone I meet is pregnant and due around the time my last miscarriage would have been. Is this just the plans of a summer baby memories rearing their head? I bought ovulation sticks, thinking they were cheap and easy, but I worry tracking too closely is putting too much heart commitment in. Not doing anything feels like I’m not committing to “I would like to be pregnant and I will work to make it happen.” Obviously age is a factor, both in getting pregnant and available time left for it to be an option.

[Anonymous]

I think you are really stuck on the whether you truly want to parent and raise another child or if you truly want the idea of a child because you are in your 40s and feel like this is the last hurrah and your kids are getting older and so on.

Sometimes we can become obsessed with idealization.

[Anonymous]

I've been where you are, OP, and it's tough. You're right, at 41, you're increasingly reaching the point where it's more likely it's not going to happen unless you're really working at it and maybe not even then. (I did six cycles of IVF at 41 and 42 and it was an eye-opening process to say the least.)

I think you are right to be thinking at this point, you are better off mentally and emotionally to actively choose "yes I want this and am going to full on go for it," or "I've tried - and now I'm going to move on." It kind of sounds like you're at the latter place? If so, maybe just work on rigorously distracting your brain when it starts to get broody...and just keep slogging through it and over time these thoughts will come to you less often. I know it's got to be really hard right now especially given the timing of your last miscarriage. I am sending you a big hug through the universe. Be gentle with and take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I can empathize with you. I am also 40 and DH and I always wanted 3 kids so we are supposed to be trying for the third right now. But I find myself not terribly disappointed each month when I get a negative on a test OR we miss the fertile window entirely.

I went through my share of miscarriages and just don't feel up to the whole pregnancy and TTC rigmarole again. I feel too old for this sh*t. BUUUUT I really would like a 3rd. I think because we had planned on 3 for so long, I feel like our family isn't complete. I feel conflicted.

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate these answers, thank you. Yes to the PP about feeing like our family isn’t complete and also like “I feel too old for this…” I am trying to frame it as the positives of trying to eat well, zero alcohol, taking my vitamins and aiming for better exercise routines is all good and well for my body regardless of if I have another pregnancy, and good for my long term health of being around for my kids that are here.

[Anonymous]

You just do it. I was in your shoes a few years ago, except I was in my mid-30s with one child and premature menopause. It helps to really think tangibly about what you have [your kid(s)] and what benefits your current family set up gives you and them. Time and money are big for parents, but I truly feel like children need and want their parents' attention. Fewer kids gives you that much more time with your current ones. And try not to focus on due dates or missed milestones from your miscarriages. Other peoples' pregnancies may be difficult, but it's a special kind of torture to think about what you lost. So just try to put it out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

Right there with you OP, but only 37. I lost one at 14 weeks, a brutal D&C then nothing for 6 months then a chemical pregnancy. I'm so done. I feel like my body isn't mine. I want to be done having children and it just isn't happening. We're hitting my original due date and almost 1 year since we started trying. I don't have much to say, just that you aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just do it. I was in your shoes a few years ago, except I was in my mid-30s with one child and premature menopause. It helps to really think tangibly about what you have [your kid(s)] and what benefits your current family set up gives you and them. Time and money are big for parents, but I truly feel like children need and want their parents' attention. Fewer kids gives you that much more time with your current ones. And try not to focus on due dates or missed milestones from your miscarriages. Other peoples' pregnancies may be difficult, but it's a special kind of torture to think about what you lost. So just try to put it out of your mind.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right there with you OP, but only 37. I lost one at 14 weeks, a brutal D&C then nothing for 6 months then a chemical pregnancy. I'm so done. I feel like my body isn't mine. I want to be done having children and it just isn't happening. We're hitting my original due date and almost 1 year since we started trying. I don't have much to say, just that you aren't alone.

Op here, I’m sorry for your losses PP. I just want you to know I hear you too.

[Anonymous]

This thread reminds me of trying hard for DC #2 at age 39 (had DC#1 at 35). I had four early miscarriages. My OB said the miscarriages were likely due to reduced egg quality, but also said that if I was willing to keep trying I had a reasonable chance to have a successful pregnancy. The fifth attempt worked and had DC #2 at 40.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar position, but with one. Over time, I’ve emotionally accepted that I might have an only child and started consciously enjoying the benefits of that. I’m still hoping and open to having another, but I’ve accepted that it is beyond my control and at peace with whatever happens. It was hard to get here and it still sometimes stings to see people pregnant. But I’m much happier than I was when I was really trying hard.

[Anonymous]

At 38 we tried for over a year. This included clomid. My OB said we should either back off temping / tracking / meds etc and just see if anything eventually happened or go ivf route. We didn’t think we were open to IVF, but signed up for appointments just in case. I also did some other things while we waited 2 months for those appointments (hsg study, acupuncture, more sleep and exercise etc). Eight weeks later when I had my first IVF appointment I tested at home and discovered I was pregnant. I’ve never had miscarriages - and think that would be harder than just not conceiving. I do think it’s time to revisit with your partner whether to be more aggressive (clomid?) or whether to back off. This middle road doesn’t seem to be working for you.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you are, OP. My husband and I decided to try for a third with a “let’s see what happens” attitude when I was 36. I became pregnant quickly but it ended in a heart wrenching TFMR followed, several months later, by a miscarriage. Those experiences did clarify for me that I really wanted a third, so we did some initial testing with an RE, which looked good. We considered IVF but ultimately conceived before starting — and that pregnancy resulted in our newborn daughter. All in all, it took 11 months of trying, and I delivered DD#3 in May at 38.

I don’t have much advice on deciding which path to take but do understand how difficult these feelings are, having been there myself so recently.

[Anonymous]

DH and I wanted a third when we had our second but then there was a pandemic and it so burned us out that we pushed it from consideration.

Now we’re almost 40 and we want that third kid, but only if it happens soon. We’re putting a vasectomy on the calendar as our time limit to keep trying and then stop.

I’ve had a miscarriage before and passed that due date without a rainbow pregnancy. It took an IUI and clomid for #2 and we know we won’t do that again for a #3.

No advice, just in the same boat. Feeling like we’re running out of time but also knowing we’ll have to be done and move on at some point.