My 23 year old son has become suicidal because of borderline girlfriend

[Anonymous]

So I’m just a mom and I know my job is to stay out of my kids´ business. But please help me process this and be there in the right ways.

Last week I got a frantic call that he had escaped an abusive relationship. He had lost a scary amount of weight and had not showered in a long time. He said she would not let him see friends or even talk to people on the phone. There was evidence of cutting on his wrists and he told a family member he had a suicide plan. However, the next day when we got to where my son lives, his mind had changed. He was determined not to upset her and to take responsibility for for her trauma over the last boyfriend. She has loosened the restrictions in the meantime while pulling him back into the relationship.

Given that my son called this an abusive relationship at one point, I want to slip him the book Walking on Eggshells. Another book called Psychopath Free was also very helpful, but its title is likely over the top for giving to someone in this stage of the relationship.

What do I do, other than shut up and smile?

[Anonymous]

Oh this is awful, OP. I'm so sorry to hear that.

It sounds like he/they need professional help. How open is he to speaking to anyone else about this? Also, can you find a way to spend time with him 1 on 1?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you would be overstepping if you approached him. I would see if you can find some really good advice about how to go about it. You might not get through to him but you might plant a seed. And I know that a lot of people appreciate it that their parents said something about their destructive behavior, even if they didn’t follow their parents’ advice. They can look back in retrospect and see that somebody cared about them.

I don’t think a book is enough here. This is very serious.

[Anonymous]

Recommend that he talk to a therapist, and give him the number for a suicide hotline.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would reach out to a crisis counselor and see what they say. You could even call a hotline if that is the easiest way. You -- and obvi he -- need professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you would be overstepping if you approached him. I would see if you can find some really good advice about how to go about it. You might not get through to him but you might plant a seed. And I know that a lot of people appreciate it that their parents said something about their destructive behavior, even if they didn’t follow their parents’ advice. They can look back in retrospect and see that somebody cared about them.

I don’t think a book is enough here. This is very serious.

Also, do you know a lot about borderline personality disorder? It might be really helpful for you to know why she is doing what she is doing. I suspect your son doesn’t understand what’s really going on here. Understanding that the way people act actually makes sense and that the behavior is predictable really helps reduce the emotional volatility of a situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. His dad and I are flying out today to be in the area where my son lives. We plan to just be around; no expectations on his time, plenty of other family and friends to see. My son is excited to hike 1 day with his dad, and we have something planned together on another day.

The approach is that we are not here to tell anyone what to do, but we care about him and are available. When I see him I’ll know how he is really doing. But my fear is that the overwhelming needs of the girlfriend are only masked for now, and he’ll get pulled down again ultimately.

I wish I knew how to be there for him.

[Anonymous]

This is not the time to "mind your own business" or "stay out of it"

It's okay to intervene and help them get out of that situation to the best of your ability. I have 2 daughters, if either of them were in the situation your son is in, I would drive over to pick them up, pack up all their stuff, leave with them on a trip and then take them home with me, and get them into intensive therapy asap.
This is not to be taken lightly. Their partner is controlling and will not change for good. She is only making small changes right now to control your son.

[Anonymous]

I would be as warm and non judgmental as possible (even if you need to bite your tongue at times) in order to keep the lines of communication open. He definitely needs professional help as you know. Sometimes it’s helpful to frame it as “you’ve been under so much stress-treatment could help you handle all the difficult stuff you’re going through.” This has the benefit of being true but not likely to get his defenses up. It’s hard to get in with someone now so let him know his pcp can also help. Lastly, snd I mean this kindly, it’s possible your son also has borderline issues (or more mild boundary issues) which could in the long term benefit from dbt. Basically, I don’t know that this entire crisis can be laid at the feet of the girlfriend. Good luck to you and your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you would be overstepping if you approached him. I would see if you can find some really good advice about how to go about it. You might not get through to him but you might plant a seed. And I know that a lot of people appreciate it that their parents said something about their destructive behavior, even if they didn’t follow their parents’ advice. They can look back in retrospect and see that somebody cared about them.

I don’t think a book is enough here. This is very serious.

Also, do you know a lot about borderline personality disorder? It might be really helpful for you to know why she is doing what she is doing. I suspect your son doesn’t understand what’s really going on here. Understanding that the way people act actually makes sense and that the behavior is predictable really helps reduce the emotional volatility of a situation.

I really appreciate this comment. I’m pouring over resources on bpd now, and every warning sign is there.

We will offer counseling if the opening is there. He was dead set against it last week. Since my crash course on this issue began, I learned of therapists who are particularly good at helping with this situation. But that only works if he’s open to it. He is an adult.

Hoping we get an opening and can offer some ideas when we see him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be as warm and non judgmental as possible (even if you need to bite your tongue at times) in order to keep the lines of communication open. He definitely needs professional help as you know. Sometimes it’s helpful to frame it as “you’ve been under so much stress-treatment could help you handle all the difficult stuff you’re going through.” This has the benefit of being true but not likely to get his defenses up. It’s hard to get in with someone now so let him know his pcp can also help. Lastly, snd I mean this kindly, it’s possible your son also has borderline issues (or more mild boundary issues) which could in the long term benefit from dbt. Basically, I don’t know that this entire crisis can be laid at the feet of the girlfriend. Good luck to you and your son.

OP again. Thank you, this is a great approach. My son probably loved the feeling of rescuing someone. Too bad this might not be something he can rescue. Help with learning more about healthy boundaries is something I now see as important.

To the poster who suggested that maybe I’m laying to much on the girlfriend - I pray you are right. All I know is what my son said to me and what he looked like when we saw him. None of these signs of depression were ever visible before.

[Anonymous]

OP too much, not to much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you would be overstepping if you approached him. I would see if you can find some really good advice about how to go about it. You might not get through to him but you might plant a seed. And I know that a lot of people appreciate it that their parents said something about their destructive behavior, even if they didn’t follow their parents’ advice. They can look back in retrospect and see that somebody cared about them.

I don’t think a book is enough here. This is very serious.

Also, do you know a lot about borderline personality disorder? It might be really helpful for you to know why she is doing what she is doing. I suspect your son doesn’t understand what’s really going on here. Understanding that the way people act actually makes sense and that the behavior is predictable really helps reduce the emotional volatility of a situation.

I really appreciate this comment. I’m pouring over resources on bpd now, and every warning sign is there.

We will offer counseling if the opening is there. He was dead set against it last week. Since my crash course on this issue began, I learned of therapists who are particularly good at helping with this situation. But that only works if he’s open to it. He is an adult.

Hoping we get an opening and can offer some ideas when we see him.

OP, if your son is suicidal, you don't "wait for an opening" to offer ideas.
Your " opening " was when you received that frantic call.

I'm PP who said I would pick up my DDs, no way I'm leaving them in a situation that has them suicidal. Nope. No way. I don't care how old they are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was taught that if someone tells you they are suicidal, you believe them. That goes from the first time.

GF aside, your son is displaying signs of serious mental illness. Weight loss, social isolation, scarring, suicidal ideation, a suicide PLAN. This is not self help book territory. This is professional help ASAP territory.

Call a suicide hotline in his area, talk to them and find out local resources for him, including those for abused men.

[Anonymous]

I would bring him home, but of course, it all depends on his state of mind and whether he'd agree to that.