Is this person still not a friend?

[Anonymous]

I wrote about this here several months ago. A person didn't invite me to their milestone event yet mentioned it was happening. They didn't mean to mention it to me. Then, they suggested I wouldn't be invited. Sure enough, I was not.

This hurt quite a bit.

Their mixed signals confuse me, though, because they invited me to dinner at their house after not inviting me to the milestone event. For some reason, they knew I would be near their house and invited me over for dinner.

The general consensus here is that this person is not a friend. I understood that to be the case, too. Yet I am scratching my head over why this person has reached out to me. Do they want to keep the relationship lukewarm for some reason?

Did I annoy them before and they want to see if I'm still annoying?

Lastly, do I bring up that they hurt me or keep silent about it? I think I'd keep silent, because I don't trust this person like I once did.

I'm talking with them because we share industry contacts, but talking isn't required. I may not bother in the future.

Why would this former friend reach out? They are not a narcissist, so it's not that type of situation.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

They could still be a friend, just not as intimate as you initially thought. You seem to think of the friendship as black and white: either they invite you to all major events or they're not a true friend. For most people, friendships come in different stripes. There are different intimacy levels, and even with the same person one can go through different stages of friendship. You may need to expand your definition of friend.

[Anonymous]

If you share industry contacts, I would guess she saw you as a work friend, and you assumed it was more. She wants to maintain the work friendship. Given that I would not mention being hurt over the milestone. She never saw that as a place for work friends. She invited you to dinner to ensure that you remained a work friend, given the industry contacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you share industry contacts, I would guess she saw you as a work friend, and you assumed it was more. She wants to maintain the work friendship. Given that I would not mention being hurt over the milestone. She never saw that as a place for work friends. She invited you to dinner to ensure that you remained a work friend, given the industry contacts.

I agree that this sounds like a professional friendship rather than a personal friendship.

[Anonymous]

The bigger question is do you want to be her friend or do you even want to hang out with her? Is she really, really nice? Is she fun to hang out with? Do you like going to dinner at her house?

If so, then when she extends an invite, if you are available and you feel like hanging out with her, accept. Likewise, if you are looking for something to do and think of her, invite her.

Let go of the need for her to be your friend. Embrace the idea that you are the one decided to be friendly with and hang out.

An invitation is not a summons. You can decide to go or not. If she ever invites you again, oh well, there are plenty of others you will meet in life who will.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness there is a spectrum of friendship, from parents casually chatting at daycare drop-off/pickup to neighbors you invite to holiday parties to near and dear that you travel with.

You are on the spectrum of friendship with this person, but you see her as more of a Near and Dear and she sees you as more of a It's Nice to See You At The Block Party.

And that's OK.

[Anonymous]

You are useful and they can deal with you in a one-on-one setting but for whatever reason, personality, temperament, interests etc you're not the type to fit with their group, most likely.

They sound totally shallow and not worth your time.

[Anonymous]

What was the milestone event? Like a wedding where they had to pay $200 per head? Maybe they wanted to invite only a close circle of relatives and friends to save money, and work friends did not make the cut. But she still considered you a friend enough that when she knew you were close by, she wanted to get together with you. If you like her company, accept that invitation and don’t ask for more. It’s unclear whether she invited others in your circle and not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the milestone event? Like a wedding where they had to pay $200 per head? Maybe they wanted to invite only a close circle of relatives and friends to save money, and work friends did not make the cut. But she still considered you a friend enough that when she knew you were close by, she wanted to get together with you. If you like her company, accept that invitation and don’t ask for more. It’s unclear whether she invited others in your circle and not you.

+1. Or another factor like you are vegan and she didn't want to deal.

[Anonymous]

The best thing for you to do is to nurture multiple friends and friend groups, and also your own interests, so that you don't obsess over one friend and what you have been invited to. Also, do you really want to be invited to an event where you don't really know anyone else except the host? A good host will invite a mix of people that will socialize well together and enjoy each other's company. It's no fun if you only know the host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing for you to do is to nurture multiple friends and friend groups, and also your own interests, so that you don't obsess over one friend and what you have been invited to. Also, do you really want to be invited to an event where you don't really know anyone else except the host? A good host will invite a mix of people that will socialize well together and enjoy each other's company. It's no fun if you only know the host.

This is smart and so true. We had friends who told us they invited a friend group to celebrate something. They didn’t invite us, and I didn’t feel hurt about that. For a different event, we were part of the friend group invited. None of this bothered me.

A different friend didn’t invite me to a family event and sent me a note to apologize. I didn’t even know the event was happening and didn’t care I wasn’t invited, because I’m not close with their family member. This didn’t bother me a bit.

On another thread, someone said this person wasn’t my friend if they didn’t invite me to this event. It wasn’t a wedding.

To the person who said I am a narcissist. I was raised by one so do not know what is normal. I appreciate being able to ask here. I just don’t always know what is normal. Therapy works well yet I’m probably going to have questions and odd ways of seeing things due to a background with abuse hurled at me.

Thank you for the replies. I’m going to read through them again. Some of you sound like calm and normal people, and I need reasoned answers like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They could still be a friend, just not as intimate as you initially thought. You seem to think of the friendship as black and white: either they invite you to all major events or they're not a true friend. For most people, friendships come in different stripes. There are different intimacy levels, and even with the same person one can go through different stages of friendship. You may need to expand your definition of friend.

I think you are right. This is useful. Thank you.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you share industry contacts, I would guess she saw you as a work friend, and you assumed it was more. She wants to maintain the work friendship. Given that I would not mention being hurt over the milestone. She never saw that as a place for work friends. She invited you to dinner to ensure that you remained a work friend, given the industry contacts.

I was previously invited to more intimate events so there was a shift. I won’t worry about it too much anymore or mention my hurt feelings. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the milestone event? Like a wedding where they had to pay $200 per head? Maybe they wanted to invite only a close circle of relatives and friends to save money, and work friends did not make the cut. But she still considered you a friend enough that when she knew you were close by, she wanted to get together with you. If you like her company, accept that invitation and don’t ask for more. It’s unclear whether she invited others in your circle and not you.

A birthday. I had been invited in previous years. Oh, well.

OP