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[quote=Anonymous]Not sure this is the right place but I’m struggling.

I’ve struggled with depression since having multiples a few years back. I got medication and a therapist. I pushed through, returned to work, and received multiple promotions and peaked. I felt so insecure when it came to work. The higher I went, the worse it got. I’m also AA and the only AA leader. It could be all in my head, but I felt like an alien. I felt like I was on eggshells (some in my head but there were also some incidents that support I wasnt completely paranoid).

Like seriously—-I’m pretty meek (I don’t know how I ever ended up a leader) but was told I came across as aggressive on multiple occasions. I doubt many things, but I know this wasn’t true.

I started being left out of key meetings. That fed my paranoia. So what did I do? I worked harder and harder to prove I belonged.  I was pulling all nighters to make sure I was prepared. As a consequence, I was neglecting my husband and kids. Work became everything (some unresolved childhood trauma—being poor, hungry, no electricity, homeless, never feeling financially safe)

Anywho—- Covid hit. Sh!+ hit the fan. I couldn’t hold it together anymore. Some leaders across the world stepped up to the plate and others fell on their faces. I fell and it was a long way down.

I became delusional. I don’t remember much. I stopped sleeping, eating, and bathing. I isolated in a room and shut everyone out. My husband took the kids to his parents so the kids wouldn’t see me this way. He called my family so that they could send someone to care for me. When he returned he asked me to stop working and I agreed it was the right thing to do.

Fast forward to 2022 I’m riding in the car with my daughter (8 yo). She asked me why would I ever say F-you to her. I told her I would never say something like that. I knew that I wouldn’t ever. She was adamant that I said it. She said she knew she wasn’t dreaming. It really happened. When we got home I asked my husband about it later that night. He confirmed that I did say it along with some other things. I have no memory of this. I am and was crushed. I cried. My heart broke. I love my daughter with everything in me. She is a wonderful child. She is kind, smart, thoughtful, beautiful—-but now she feels like she isn’t loved and isn’t good enough.

I tried to explain that mommy’s mind/brain was very sick. I don’t remember, I’m sorry, I was very ill. Every now and then she brings it up. Today she had an incident at school. She said she felt like a balloon that had too much air and popped. She pushed a girl who was 1 of 3 older girls picking on her. She said all the negative things she has ever heard built up and so she pushed the girl and that she didn’t regret it.

She then ran and hid under a table and cried. She wouldn’t come out. She told the teacher she was terrified of being punished. She made it seem like we were going to lock her in the basement and not feed her. Mind you we don’t spank our children. They lose out on activities, tablets, time outs, talking it out (rarely do we even raise our voices). I grew up with beating and we have worked so hard to make our home a safe place—-with the exception of me being mentally unwell.

I wish she could forget. However, I know she will never. I show her I love her and that she can trust me—she says she does but then something happens and what I said seems to always be the root.

How do we move forward? How do I not screw her up for life? Therapy is so expensive. I’m currently not working. I don’t know if I ever will work again. I get easily overwhelmed and paralyzed with anxiety. We had her in therapy for a little bit until we just couldn’t afford it any more.

We’re so close, yet far—-she will never trust the the love I have for her.

She is a wonderful child. She truly is a wonderful child. I don’t want to screw up her life. Living in a world where you feel like your own mother doesn’t love you can be catastrophic.
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