Having a major midlife crisis
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Anonymous
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I am currently a SAHM of 3 kids. My mom and dad are dying out of state (NY). I visit them as much as possible but I feel so guilty. I am part of the sandwich generation because I have to take care of my kids as well as my parents. I want to go back to work desperately but I already feel stretched. I don’t know how I will be able to juggle the kids and parents PLUS a job. Dh does earn a high income so I do not have to work. I just feel so lost.
My oldest is in middle school. I stumbled upon some high schools and college admissions. I remembered how ambitious I was. I am just a skeleton of my former self and it makes me feel so disappointed in myself. Recently I have others praise moms who have a great career while juggling kids and it made me feel bad. My children are all thriving and they bring me joy and satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I am just wasting my life. Dh says there is nothing more important than raising our kids and how I’m doing an amazing job. I would appreciate any tips on how to get through this phase. I wonder if I will get my life back once my kids are a little older and my parents eventually pass. |
Anonymous
| Realize its just a phase. Maybe hold off on "career: while chidren are young and parents need you. They wull remember you "being there" at this pivotal time in their lives. As they grow, and you reach "steady state: then think about ways of easing back into your career. I wouldn't worry so much about keeping up with the Joneses; if anyone make s judgy comment, just say "I'm in my child rearing phase at the moment." This is part of life... |
Anonymous
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My last DC went off the college last fall and I thought I would find myself again. I was really excited at first — the chance to jump back in, get involved, learn new things, be ME! All of that.
And you know what happened? And quickly? I realized I was too damned tired to deal with finding myself. I’m not even sure I want to anymore. It hardly seems worth the effort. So my advice: If you feel like you have any energy now to address your feelings, and you truly want to pursue something for yourself — career or other type of ambition — then find a way to do it. Don’t end up like me. |
Anonymous
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What do you want op? Take some time to sit quietly with that question. Journal if that help. When you know the answer go after it.
You need to do this without adding judgment on top. It literally serves no purpose and creates unnecessary suffering. Own your decisions to now and make peace with shed you are now. There is time to go after what you want. |
Anonymous
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Hang in there, OP. You are really truly wedged between a rock and a hardplace right now between kids who need you present and parents out of state who need you, too. It blows. Take any spare time you have (lol just kidding. I KNOW you don't have any) and think about what you actually like doing. Even if it's in the five minutes before everyone wakes up. It's ok to feel rudderless and lost right now.
I'm 48. My mom passed several years ago. My kid wound up going to college in-state a couple years back, and the second that decision was made and I did the math and realized we were ok, I said goodbye to my craptastic job and started over. I'm glad I did. |
Anonymous
| OP, you need to figure out if it is the work you want, or the perception of being a working mom that you want. Prior to kids, were you notably career-driven? I ask because I don't know any women who were truly ambitious who quit to SAH. If it indeed is the work (and not just the perception) that you miss, then you should try to figure out a path to getting your career back. However, as a full-time working mom, I will tell you that it is exhausting. All the things that you do now will need to be squeezed into the evenings and weekends. Your spouse and kids will have to contribute more to the household. None of this is a bad thing, it is just something that you REALLY need to want to make it work, especially because your lifestyle isn't reliant upon your income. |
Anonymous
| I think working a job under these circumstances would make you miserable and would not truly advance your career anyway. Maybe you could mark time in service towards a pension or something. But with that much stress in your life, you'll have a hard time feeling like you're doing well for yourself and making a good reputation. I think if you held off a year or two until you can truly give a job enough attention, you'd end up in the exact same place in the long run, with a lot less hassle. |
Anonymous
| I can relate to so much of this OP. I've posted this before but aside from journaling and "self care" (whatever that means to you) podcasts have been my lifeline to feel less alone. While I like to commiserate with friends, we're all busy. I like: Forties Stories (stories of 40-something women), The Grown Ass Woman's Guide (general advice), Modern Gen X Woman (career and reinvention). There are tons more out there, but those are my favorites. |
Anonymous
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OP and PPs, I am really glad I clicked on this thread as these are all such kind, gracious responses.
OP, perhaps pick off a short term volunteer project, etc, so there will be an end point and might not necessarily overwhelm with your ailing parents. I am helping on a couple campaigns while getting through the transition of our youngest graduating HS and leaving for college. Being a SAHM can be draining and feel random. Yet there is a lot of benefit in having flexibility. A good friend had to go back to work a few months back. Divorced, had gotten a professional degree, and was trying to hold out until her youngest had finished HS. But she got a good offer at the best hospital in area and knew she had to take it as the openings are rare. Alas, she is missing all these end of year touch stones so I FT and include her when I can. I decided I was not going to seek a FT job when youngest starts college as I want the flexibility of being able to go to parents' weekend, etc. GL with your parents - they are so fortunate to have you! |
Anonymous
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When I am struggling with these issues, I always take comfort in something some wildly successful career woman and mother told me once: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at the same time.
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Well you could be stuck with a husband who actively criticizes your parenting, struggle with a child with special needs (other child is doing wonderfully), AND not have a job. This is my situation, and suddenly in March it began to really depress me. For various reasons, I cannot work right now. Cannot wait to get a job!!! |
Anonymous
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This is a hard time of life - and it comes in many flavors. I don't have parents to care for (yet), but I can understand your feelings. I would encourage you to wait on the all-in career move until your personal life settles down a little. In the meantime could you do some sort of part time work, or even volunteer work in your field, to help sharpen your skills, establish connections, and give you an outlet outside of school and home for personal fulfillment? Please try not to worry about what others say/think but do think about how you could address your own feelings and needs.
I have a demanding career and am on the parenting back nine with one in HS and one in college. And I'm exhausted. I have the opportunity to apply for a really big promotion which I think I have a decent chance at getting but it would mean starting during during my younger kid's senior year when there will be lots of demands on my time (college visits, admissions process, school events, sports, etc.). I've spent the past 20+ years wishing I could be a stay-at-home mom because I always feel like I'm shortchanging someone (my family or my company, sometime both). But we need my income. My husband helps at home but frankly isn't as good as I am at providing the support I think my kids need. And I think I desperately want to feel like I've been a good mom so often make things harder on myself than I need to out of a sense of guilt. Again, exhausting. Anyhow, sorry you're feeling down. If it's any consolation, a lot of women struggle with identity and purpose at this stage of life so you're not alone. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
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I have a career and have two kids at home. The career isn't all its cracked up to be. I mean, I like my job and find it interesting but it certainly doesn't define me or give me joy. My family gives me joy.
OP, I think you have FOMO but the grass isn't always greener. Do you really want to put on the clothes and the makeup, drag yourself into the office, listen to people blah, blah, blah in meetings, wonder why Mr. X cc:ed everyone and their mom on an email, roll your eyes at yet another internal memo, stay late to finish a project and miss your kid's orchestra concert? |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry OP. I wouldn't focus on your career. You do need something to channel your time and energy into.
Also... you sound depressed. Have you tried antidepressants? Wellbutrin could help a lot during this time period. I just felt happier and ruminated less while I was on it. Easy to get off later too. |