Having a major midlife crisis

[Anonymous]

Your parents are dying so you feel out of control.

[Anonymous]

You need a good therapist who can help you set reachable goals for this time in your life.

[Anonymous]

I think you should wear more rompers. Ae is having a good sale. (Seriously, though. Spend some energy focusing on the superficial and banal. Life is hard enough as it is.)

[Anonymous]

Most of the people you are looking to with admiration who are working mothers probably don’t have enough money to quit their jobs. Plenty of very successful people have to quit or dial down their work to deal with children and elderly parents. You have so much going for you that you don’t have to work to live.

Also, lots of teenagers are ambitious and think they will rule the world. But life happens. And your life has been good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realize its just a phase. Maybe hold off on "career: while chidren are young and parents need you. They wull remember you "being there" at this pivotal time in their lives. As they grow, and you reach "steady state: then think about ways of easing back into your career. I wouldn't worry so much about keeping up with the Joneses; if anyone make s judgy comment, just say "I'm in my child rearing phase at the moment." This is part of life...

I think this is wise. My husband and I both work. His mom died last fall and it felt like we couldn't be there enough for her then, or his dad now. The kids are constantly constantly sick from day care and we're always sleep deprived. I feel like everything is a compromise, and even with a career I am not living up to my potential. I didn't apply for a great-sounding job yesterday because I just need stability while things are so challenging with the family.

So yes, I agree you're in an absolute crunch right now, but working might not give you more direction or pride. It can be just another way to feel not good enough. It's really hard to look at yourself midlife and say "this is all I became?" I get that, I really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am currently a SAHM of 3 kids. My mom and dad are dying out of state (NY). I visit them as much as possible but I feel so guilty. I am part of the sandwich generation because I have to take care of my kids as well as my parents. I want to go back to work desperately but I already feel stretched. I don’t know how I will be able to juggle the kids and parents PLUS a job. Dh does earn a high income so I do not have to work. I just feel so lost.

My oldest is in middle school. I stumbled upon some high schools and college admissions. I remembered how ambitious I was. I am just a skeleton of my former self and it makes me feel so disappointed in myself. Recently I have others praise moms who have a great career while juggling kids and it made me feel bad.

My children are all thriving and they bring me joy and satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I am just wasting my life. Dh says there is nothing more important than raising our kids and how I’m doing an amazing job.

I would appreciate any tips on how to get through this phase. I wonder if I will get my life back once my kids are a little older and my parents eventually pass.

Kind of going thru a mid-life depression right now too.

I was a SAHM of 2 young kids (kindergarten and pre-school) when my father was dying out of state. I also tried to visit as much as possible and felt terribly guilty.
I couldn't do much for my father as I was stuck with taking care of the kids day in/day out. Ex-DH basically refused to help (that's why he ended up an Ex). After my father passed away, I simultaneously split from Ex and started working again. For the latter it was out of sheer necessity. Kids were still young at the time and the stretching I felt while my father was alive simply transferred to the marital dissolution and juggle of working and still being the primary care-giver. I was lucky to land a part-time job that let me leave for pickup time everyday and be the mom my kids have always known.
My mother is 12 years younger than my father and still in good health but beginning to need some company. I don't like her living alone. I have siblings nearby so it isn't too bad for her (no the siblings weren't around for my father - my mother is kind of toxic and poisoned her children against her husband but that's another story). Anyways, my kids are in high school and in 3 years they are out to college. Now that I don't have a husband tying me down to this city, I'm planning to move back to my home state when kids are out of the house and help my mom.

My kids also bring me a lot of joy and satisfaction. They are very good children and excellent students.
Careerwise - I got better and better job opportunities and ramped up to FT. Still able to make family dinners for us. I have a great corporate job. I really have nothing to complain about.

AND yet I feel depressed.
I'm depressed about my father. I'm depressed about no longer being a needed mom in the near future. I'm depressed about my mother being a toxic person.
At work I am surrounded by people who haven't yet married nor started families. Their entire life is work - or going to bars, meeting friends for brunch, or vacationing with their parents. It feels like there are two worlds. The 'before' times - before marriage, kids, family stresses, when there seemed to be so many possibilities and beginnings and the 'aftermath' - parental decline, family strife, and life's possibilities significantly narrowed. It feels like I am marching towards the ending of things; the complete opposite to the endlessly unfolding beginnings of youth into young adulthood.

I don't know what to tell you OP, I feel you. I try to remind myself that things could be so much worse. There are kids who beat up their parents over video games (see recent posts here), or crazy MIL/FIL who won't stop meddling, chronic illness, really bad divorces, etc...
And then I have to remind myself that I WANT the kids to grow up and fly out of the coop. It would be so much worse if they ended up my chronic couch surfer. I try to tell myself that I still DO have much to look forward to as I watch my children's lives unfold. There's probably more upsides than I can see right now. Anyways OP, I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am currently a SAHM of 3 kids. My mom and dad are dying out of state (NY). I visit them as much as possible but I feel so guilty. I am part of the sandwich generation because I have to take care of my kids as well as my parents. I want to go back to work desperately but I already feel stretched. I don’t know how I will be able to juggle the kids and parents PLUS a job. Dh does earn a high income so I do not have to work. I just feel so lost.

My oldest is in middle school. I stumbled upon some high schools and college admissions. I remembered how ambitious I was. I am just a skeleton of my former self and it makes me feel so disappointed in myself. Recently I have others praise moms who have a great career while juggling kids and it made me feel bad.

My children are all thriving and they bring me joy and satisfaction. At the same time, I feel like I am just wasting my life. Dh says there is nothing more important than raising our kids and how I’m doing an amazing job.

I would appreciate any tips on how to get through this phase. I wonder if I will get my life back once my kids are a little older and my parents eventually pass.

Kind of going thru a mid-life depression right now too.

I was a SAHM of 2 young kids (kindergarten and pre-school) when my father was dying out of state. I also tried to visit as much as possible and felt terribly guilty.
I couldn't do much for my father as I was stuck with taking care of the kids day in/day out. Ex-DH basically refused to help (that's why he ended up an Ex). After my father passed away, I simultaneously split from Ex and started working again. For the latter it was out of sheer necessity. Kids were still young at the time and the stretching I felt while my father was alive simply transferred to the marital dissolution and juggle of working and still being the primary care-giver. I was lucky to land a part-time job that let me leave for pickup time everyday and be the mom my kids have always known.
My mother is 12 years younger than my father and still in good health but beginning to need some company. I don't like her living alone. I have siblings nearby so it isn't too bad for her (no the siblings weren't around for my father - my mother is kind of toxic and poisoned her children against her husband but that's another story). Anyways, my kids are in high school and in 3 years they are out to college. Now that I don't have a husband tying me down to this city, I'm planning to move back to my home state when kids are out of the house and help my mom.

My kids also bring me a lot of joy and satisfaction. They are very good children and excellent students.
Careerwise - I got better and better job opportunities and ramped up to FT. Still able to make family dinners for us. I have a great corporate job. I really have nothing to complain about.

AND yet I feel depressed.
I'm depressed about my father. I'm depressed about no longer being a needed mom in the near future. I'm depressed about my mother being a toxic person.
At work I am surrounded by people who haven't yet married nor started families. Their entire life is work - or going to bars, meeting friends for brunch, or vacationing with their parents. It feels like there are two worlds. The 'before' times - before marriage, kids, family stresses, when there seemed to be so many possibilities and beginnings and the 'aftermath' - parental decline, family strife, and life's possibilities significantly narrowed. It feels like I am marching towards the ending of things; the complete opposite to the endlessly unfolding beginnings of youth into young adulthood.

I don't know what to tell you OP, I feel you. I try to remind myself that things could be so much worse. There are kids who beat up their parents over video games (see recent posts here), or crazy MIL/FIL who won't stop meddling, chronic illness, really bad divorces, etc...
And then I have to remind myself that I WANT the kids to grow up and fly out of the coop. It would be so much worse if they ended up my chronic couch surfer. I try to tell myself that I still DO have much to look forward to as I watch my children's lives unfold. There's probably more upsides than I can see right now. Anyways OP, I sympathize.

OP here. Thank you for sharing. I sincerely appreciate your perspective. I feel lost, pulled in a million different directions. Sometimes I think a career is what I am missing in my life but I wonder if it will only add to my load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. I wouldn't focus on your career. You do need something to channel your time and energy into.

Also... you sound depressed. Have you tried antidepressants? Wellbutrin could help a lot during this time period. I just felt happier and ruminated less while I was on it. Easy to get off later too.

NP my doctor gave me zoloft to try.