Healing toxic family

[Anonymous]

This is really hard to write. Both my daughter (8) and myself have gone through acute mental health crises. She has had behavioral issues over the years (mostly inattentive or disruptive, but some aggression too), due in part to adhd, anxiety, giftedness, maybe autism. The behavior has gotten much worse with tantrums and anger at everyday demands and poor self esteem. I have severe anxiety and have since been dx with ADHD and OCD. I have been extremely rigid and even unkind with her over the years to try and change behavior so she could be more successful and to make things easier (less complaints/embarassment). At times, home has been pleasant and happy and other times downright toxic. She has seen me become severely dysregulated on a number of occasions. We are both in separate therapy, though she won't really talk. I don't know if it's family therapy or more parent coaching or what, but would appreciate suggestions on how to try and heal the relationship. Books, groups, therapies, etc. I am trying to stop the triggering statements and control my behavior, but at the same time need to be able to parent. Fwiw, my spouse and I are married. I see a lot of resources about absuive/ toxic parents moving out, but would like to try and heal. I know change will be hard and slow. I'm in a better place, but want to do all I can to help the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what insights/advice you think you will glean from DCUM, when professional therapists are already involved.

When you say you become "deregulated" what does that mean exactly?

When you say your daughter has "agression" what does that mean?

Why isn't your spouse more of an active participant in this situation?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for your family’s struggles. You have achieved the critical first step, which is realizing your challenges and taking the steps to address them. That has set you on the path to lowering the toxicity and helping the relationship with and parenting of your DD.

If you find that it would be better to limit your time with her, so you can stay more positive around her in snippets and heal your relationship with her, then do so. It’s not the end of the world for you and your DH to live in 2 different places without divorcing for awhile, while you address the parenting issues you’ve recognized and are trying to work on. It will deescalate things and give you both space to heal. As things improve, you can increase the time you and DD are together until you can join households again. This doesn’t make you a bad parent, separating out for awhile, this makes you a better parent, recognizing what you need to do and acting on it.

I would check in with her therapist and discuss the potential plan, see if they agree and get their advice on how to manage it effectively with your DD. I’m wondering if it would be better to give another reason why the households are separating for awhile that doesn’t involve her, such as job-related, but of course you and your DH know the real reason. That way she won’t internalize negatively that she is the reason.

Big hugs and best wishes. Again, you have already passed the first big step.

[Anonymous]

One bad interaction wipes out 10 good ones. Sounds like you have many bad interactions. She's little and you've done this to her. You are the adult in control. I very much hope you can gain some emotional control over yourself to guide her. Here are some pointers: don't shout, don't shame, and don't manipulate her emotionally. She sounds smart so these will always end badly. Do smile, plan fun activities, allow space for her to talk to you without judgment. Learn how to breathe to relieve stress and teach it to her. Tell her you are a work in progress and you will never stop trying to improve. Apologize to her when you need to. Essentially, act like the grown up you want her to become. And remember she is a child that has been hurt by you. This will take time to repair. I love the song Patience by Guns and Roses. I change the word "woman" to "children" and sing it with my kids. So relevant to so many situations.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you really need to be on medication. Are you?

[Anonymous]

Yes in our case the unhealthy parent moved out, was less overwhelmed, and welcome to stop by or attend whatever any time.