Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?

[Anonymous]

For context: I’m a SAHM but I also work part time and am working on a couple certifications for my career, so my time is very tight. I do almost all of the cooking and it’s overwhelming me.

H and I have discussed ways of dividing dinner duties up but none of it has really worked. We tried I cook/he cleans, but I clean as I cook so there’s not much to do, and even then most of the time he doesn’t do it and I have to the next morning.

We discussed him cooking 2 nights a week when I take DD to activities. He doesn’t really plan ahead and get groceries for it or let me know what he needs, so he’s running out at the last minute to get things and dinner isn’t ready until WAY later than I need it to be. I need us to eat by 7 so I can do kid bedtime routines on time, he routinely isn’t finished until 8 or later. And he makes a HUGE mess that I have to clean up, the simplest dishes somehow end up with half our dishes dirty and the kitchen trashed. So then I’m up longer cleaning up. This is what happened last night, so I didn’t get to bed myself until way later, and then I’m up all night with the baby, so today I’m exhausted.

In general he’s pretty unreliable. If I ask him to load the dishwasher and run it since he’s up late, he’ll do weird things like stack the dirty dishes in the sink onto the counter. Neatly stacked dirty dishes on the counter doesn’t help me.

A couple weeks ago he was out of town and it was so much less stressful only cooking for myself and the kids. I’m getting to my breaking point of how much sleep deprivation and caring for others I can handle, so I am thinking of letting dinners go and only making my own food.

Anyone else do this? I feel bad but I’m tired of how his “helping” just makes more work for me.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Two working parents. I do meal delivery for me and kid and spouse is on his own. We try to eat as family but for example tonight dh has a meeting that will go until 9pm and I’ll be feeding kid while wearing earphones and hopefully mostly being muted on a conference call until about 7-8. So dinner has to be outsourced. What can you do.

[Anonymous]

We hardly ever eat together. It is fine.

[Anonymous]

Do you tell him all of this? Does he understand the discrepancy?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't start refusing to prepare food for your spouse- that doesn't sound like it will end well.
My first question for you is do you have adequate childcare? You say you are a sahm- but you also work part time and are trying to get 2 certifications. Do you have childcare while you are working, or are you trying to fit it in around naptime, etc? That never ends well.
Specifically for meals- you don't seem to enjoy cooking and find it overwhelming. I would suggest making a meal plan for the week, if DH is capable of cooking he can make what you put on the plan, and have the groceries for- none of this running out to the store and eating at 8pm junk. Simplify your meals. Do you have a crockpot? This has been a lifesaver for me, there are so many things you can make in the crockpot. yes the soup stew you think about- but you can also do things like bbq chicken or pork- salsa chicken, etc.
In terms of his crappy cleaning, is he amenable to instruction? My DH does all the cleaning. When we first got married he sucked at it. Overtime he has gotten much better, but basically we came up with a checklist- a clean kitchen means 1) all dishes in the dishwasher; 2) all handwashing completed; 3) counters wiped; 4) floors swept. I tried to teach him to cook- he really can't, and that was just ending in frustration- so I do all the cooking, but if I am running around I will leave him with things in the oven etc that he needs to do something too- e.g. every 15 minutes take out this pan and stir the items so they are on the other side then put back in. (I do a fair amount of sheet pan meals as well- another really simple way to prepare dinner.)
And you have a baby waking up during the night- this is just a hard season. This to shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your DH is a man-baby or just does not care. Figure out what frozen things you like and buy a bunch of them so that his only job is to heat them up and set the table. If he can't handle that, you need marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you tell him all of this? Does he understand the discrepancy?

Yes. He just says he gets too tired. But I’m tired, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't start refusing to prepare food for your spouse- that doesn't sound like it will end well.
My first question for you is do you have adequate childcare? You say you are a sahm- but you also work part time and are trying to get 2 certifications. Do you have childcare while you are working, or are you trying to fit it in around naptime, etc? That never ends well.
Specifically for meals- you don't seem to enjoy cooking and find it overwhelming. I would suggest making a meal plan for the week, if DH is capable of cooking he can make what you put on the plan, and have the groceries for- none of this running out to the store and eating at 8pm junk. Simplify your meals. Do you have a crockpot? This has been a lifesaver for me, there are so many things you can make in the crockpot. yes the soup stew you think about- but you can also do things like bbq chicken or pork- salsa chicken, etc.
In terms of his crappy cleaning, is he amenable to instruction? My DH does all the cleaning. When we first got married he sucked at it. Overtime he has gotten much better, but basically we came up with a checklist- a clean kitchen means 1) all dishes in the dishwasher; 2) all handwashing completed; 3) counters wiped; 4) floors swept. I tried to teach him to cook- he really can't, and that was just ending in frustration- so I do all the cooking, but if I am running around I will leave him with things in the oven etc that he needs to do something too- e.g. every 15 minutes take out this pan and stir the items so they are on the other side then put back in. (I do a fair amount of sheet pan meals as well- another really simple way to prepare dinner.)
And you have a baby waking up during the night- this is just a hard season. This to shall pass.

He really can't cook? How does that even work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't start refusing to prepare food for your spouse- that doesn't sound like it will end well.
My first question for you is do you have adequate childcare? You say you are a sahm- but you also work part time and are trying to get 2 certifications. Do you have childcare while you are working, or are you trying to fit it in around naptime, etc? That never ends well.
Specifically for meals- you don't seem to enjoy cooking and find it overwhelming. I would suggest making a meal plan for the week, if DH is capable of cooking he can make what you put on the plan, and have the groceries for- none of this running out to the store and eating at 8pm junk. Simplify your meals. Do you have a crockpot? This has been a lifesaver for me, there are so many things you can make in the crockpot. yes the soup stew you think about- but you can also do things like bbq chicken or pork- salsa chicken, etc.
In terms of his crappy cleaning, is he amenable to instruction? My DH does all the cleaning. When we first got married he sucked at it. Overtime he has gotten much better, but basically we came up with a checklist- a clean kitchen means 1) all dishes in the dishwasher; 2) all handwashing completed; 3) counters wiped; 4) floors swept. I tried to teach him to cook- he really can't, and that was just ending in frustration- so I do all the cooking, but if I am running around I will leave him with things in the oven etc that he needs to do something too- e.g. every 15 minutes take out this pan and stir the items so they are on the other side then put back in. (I do a fair amount of sheet pan meals as well- another really simple way to prepare dinner.)
And you have a baby waking up during the night- this is just a hard season. This to shall pass.

I don’t have childcare right now. It’s not ideal, but everyone’s been doing it without childcare for the last 2 years.

I actually do really enjoy cooking. I wouldn’t mind cooking every meal if I felt the effort was reciprocated in other ways, like H doing more cleaning, but instead it’s more “W is doing the work! Guess that means I can sit back and watch basketball!” Or I ask him to do one simple thing to help me and he either forgets or wanders off halfway through. I asked him this morning why he didn’t do the dishes like I asked and his answer was he started to, but got tired and laid down on the couch and fell asleep. I don’t get it. If I’m tired, I finish up the task I need to then go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has ADD and is also lazy and does not care about his marriage or household.

[Anonymous]

My sister, her husband, and teen son all cook for themselves. Mom and Dad both have very strong specific ideas on nutrition that do not over lap well and the teen just needs lots of food. Whatever...

[Anonymous]

We eat as a family almost every night. Exceptions are mostly when someone is not home at dinner time. Maybe you need more joint planning. Come up with a plan for the week over the weekend. Decide what your going to have for dinner each night, who is going to cook it and when dinner will be served based on your schedules for the week. Then do the grocery shopping for everything you need over the weekend? Are you cooking separately for the kids? We don't do that in our house - everyone eats the same things. I generally do most of the cooking and DH does the clean up which mostly involved putting all the cooking and dinner dishes in the dishwasher but that works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Two working parents. I do meal delivery for me and kid and spouse is on his own. We try to eat as family but for example tonight dh has a meeting that will go until 9pm and I’ll be feeding kid while wearing earphones and hopefully mostly being muted on a conference call until about 7-8. So dinner has to be outsourced. What can you do.

This sounds like a stressful life.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to eat together every day, just try to do it as often as you can because it’s a priority but not mandatory.

[Anonymous]

I did this for similar reasons. Interestingly enough, my husband shaped up fairly quickly. He cooks several meals a week and does a decent clean up afterwards.