Separated in the same house - scared to take next step

[Anonymous]

Creature of habit here. Partner and I both acknowledge we are not right for each other, so we have separated. We are living in the house together but have separate bedrooms. We have two elementary school aged kids. Everything has been amicable, and aside from the fact that we no longer sleep with each other everything is largely the same.

While it feels comfortable, neither of us is really moving on (or out).

For anyone who has BTDT, how do you know when it’s time to physically leave? How do you deal with the angst of not seeing your children as often? I am struggling to strike a balance between doing what’s right for me without my kids feeling like I ruined their childhood. I know that’s dramatic, but I don’t want them to feel pain because my partner and I can’t work things out. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

There are couples who rotate staying in the home with the kids. So another apartment that you can stay in when it’s not your turn for the house/kids.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend go through this. She and her husband did a mutual consent divorce. They worked everything out in advance with a mediator: what would happen with the house, custody (50/50), etc.

Once they separated and decided to divorce, they told their children and proceeded to rent a small apartment for about 6 months while they worked through the terms of everything. They kept the children in the house and "nested them" - one parent would be with them one week, the other at the apartment. Then they'd switch. It was over in 6 months. She kept the house, her ex bought a house within a mile. The kids are with each parent one week then switch, but they often float between houses, especially in the summer. They are very amicable about not being so stringent with 50/50 custody because they are behaving as adults who put their children first. The middle child is even in therapy and they all attend as a family.

If you are both on board to avoid litigation and put the children first, this could be the best route. I am a teacher and recently heard a student say to another student "If your parents divorce, don't they want to live as far away from each other as possible??" and I said "not if they are trying to put their kids first, which a lot of parents try to do."

[Anonymous]

I don’t want them to feel pain because my partner and I can’t work things out.

You can't avoid this. You are going to hurt them, that's a fact. Don't listen to the constant BS you see in this forum about "kids are resilient" and the less-common but incredibly stupid and preposterous "my kids are happier now" or "my kid told me to get divorced".

The best you can do is have an amicable relationship with your ex after you move out, have as little disruption as possible in their lives (same schools and extracurriculars if you can swing it), and pay attention to their lives (interact with them, talk to them, do things with them, don't let everyone withdraw into their electronic devices).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want them to feel pain because my partner and I can’t work things out.

You can't avoid this. You are going to hurt them, that's a fact. Don't listen to the constant BS you see in this forum about "kids are resilient" and the less-common but incredibly stupid and preposterous "my kids are happier now" or "my kid told me to get divorced".

The best you can do is have an amicable relationship with your ex after you move out, have as little disruption as possible in their lives (same schools and extracurriculars if you can swing it), and pay attention to their lives (interact with them, talk to them, do things with them, don't let everyone withdraw into their electronic devices).

Mostly this. I say mostly because yes, they will feel pain, but they are also resilient. Resilient doesn’t mean the absence of pain, it means that most people are able to carry on regardless, as will your kids. It’s best to make sure that your divorce is as amicable as possible and try to avoid disruption to them, as pp said. You might want to see a professional together to figure out best ways to coparent and commit to that.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. Or my exW. We're doing the same thing. While we try to maintain a functioning household, it is very hard.

It's too bad we didn't separate last year while interest rates were low so we could have bought a condo/TH nearby so we could do this "nesting" thing...

If you're feeling like you want to move out, you should talk to your SO. I'm sure they will support it. Are your finances separate or still together? An answer might be there....

IMO, I think you know it's time to physically leave when you physically want to be with someone else on your time off and not home in a room by yourself. At least, that is what I'm telling myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Creature of habit here. Partner and I both acknowledge we are not right for each other, so we have separated. We are living in the house together but have separate bedrooms. We have two elementary school aged kids. Everything has been amicable, and aside from the fact that we no longer sleep with each other everything is largely the same.

While it feels comfortable, neither of us is really moving on (or out).

For anyone who has BTDT, how do you know when it’s time to physically leave? How do you deal with the angst of not seeing your children as often? I am struggling to strike a balance between doing what’s right for me without my kids feeling like I ruined their childhood. I know that’s dramatic, but I don’t want them to feel pain because my partner and I can’t work things out. This sucks.

If this works for everyone, no need to change anything. If it doesn’t, do what seems right to you.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you and your spouse right for each other? You had 2 kids together, you have 2 kids together (note my word choice), you like each other enough to live in the same house, why not put some effort into falling back in love, even if that has to start with a conversation?
My views on a lot of things changed once I had kids. All I really want from my spouse is kindness, affection, sex, someone I can talk with, and who is good to my kids. I could care less about bigger issues such as politics and the like, issues that really used to matter to me. I’ve discovered I like hockey, something I got into when one of my kids was in preschool, when I happened to meet a coworker who was all excited about the Caps and cared enough to share it with me. And yes, he really was just a coworker nothing more. My husband probably doesn’t care as much as I do, but that’s fine, he knows I care and listens when I talk about it.
I’m still thrilled by aerospace, something else he doesn’t much care about, but again, he’ll pay attention when I get on a roll.
He loves politics and I’ll listen though I don’t understand how or why they decide which block of people will do what. He likes finance and the stock market, and again, I don’t understand how that all works.
I do love him though, see above, he’s kind, affectionate, he prioritizes my comfort (and I did have to tell him I needed this), we have dates, (something else I had to explicitly tell him I needed) and we have sex.

Many couples have been where you are.


Nobody else you meet will love and care about your kids as much as their other parent.

If you do divorce, your kids will feel pain, there is no way around that.
If nothing else, use your love for your kids to set you on the path of working whatever it is out.
If you divorce, put yourself first. Make sure you aren’t short-sighted, you only get one shot to do this. You can’t go back and get more money from your ex or from the sale of the house. You can’t decide later that you really should have taken the minivan or by contrast the fun commuting car.

Don’t harm your kids, just realize that your ex won’t be your spouse and isn’t obligated to act like it. They can date whomever they’d like. They can tell you “I don’t care if you do have to work this weekend, I have kid-free plans, find a sitter”.

I wouldn’t advise nesting. No way would I want to share an apartment with someone I used to be married too. Oh look, there’s the book he’s reading, I always hoped he’d read that when we were married, he’d have been able to explain to me why the plot with the stock market made sense”. “Oh look, there’s the newspaper, why the hell do we need a hard-copy of a news paper anyway” Just would be too uncomfortable and painful.

I also wouldn’t want to own property with an ex, or make sure the kids have what they need when I’m not there. I can be married if I want to do that. If your husband always forgets to buy milk while you’re married, he’s going to keep on forgetting it. Or he’ll get the milk and make a production of getting cookies, the very same cookies he rarely got when the two of you were married because “I missed the kids” all while you’re thinking “If you’d done this while we were married, we wouldn’t be divorced”.
It really is the little things, op.
My vote since you asked is that you work on the marriage. Your kids can care for themselves physically now, bath time is now “Hey, Billy, go take a shower” They can get up and entertain themselves so the two of you can stay in bed a little longer and sleep or screw.
You may have to make a real effort to put each other and the marriage first, and I’d urge you to do that. After all, a new partner will want you to put them first, nobody healthy will be like “Come on over and screw whenever you want, of course your kids get priority”.

[Anonymous]

I was separated in the same house for two years. If you’re not ready to move, don’t move. There’s no rule that says you have to go with a particular time. Do it when you’re ready.

I honestly did not move until two years after we divorced because the pandemic happened and it was too hard to move when I was supposed to. Part of me wishes that I had moved earlier as soon as we were divorced but when papers came in the midst of lockdown that really wasn’t an option and then with the uncertainty of with school I just stayed. I finally moved. Honestly, it’s nobody’s business. We were pretty much roommates for most of the marriage even before the separation so honestly not much really changed. There are two houses now but I do think doing it very slowly was easier for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Is this why all the people in NOVA look miserable?

[Anonymous]

Wathcing this as I am pretty much in the same boat. Hate where we're at now, but scared to take the next step. And I am so tired of people telling me we can make it work. I don't want to make it work. Argh.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty easy, the women needs to lose weight and have more sex , there is some free marriage counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wathcing this as I am pretty much in the same boat. Hate where we're at now, but scared to take the next step. And I am so tired of people telling me we can make it work. I don't want to make it work. Argh.

There are a lot of people, mostly women, who see sex and affection as something nice to have if the right occasion strikes but not otherwise important for life happiness. That's why they say you can make it work.

[Anonymous]

Have u tried marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like things are not that bad between you. Give that you have young children, I’d throw all my energy into seeing if you can make it work. Divorce is usually only worth it in high conflict situations.