Anonymous wrote: Why aren’t you and your spouse right for each other? You had 2 kids together, you have 2 kids together (note my word choice), you like each other enough to live in the same house, why not put some effort into falling back in love, even if that has to start with a conversation?
My views on a lot of things changed once I had kids. All I really want from my spouse is kindness, affection, sex, someone I can talk with, and who is good to my kids. I could care less about bigger issues such as politics and the like, issues that really used to matter to me. I’ve discovered I like hockey, something I got into when one of my kids was in preschool, when I happened to meet a coworker who was all excited about the Caps and cared enough to share it with me. And yes, he really was just a coworker nothing more. My husband probably doesn’t care as much as I do, but that’s fine, he knows I care and listens when I talk about it.
I’m still thrilled by aerospace, something else he doesn’t much care about, but again, he’ll pay attention when I get on a roll.
He loves politics and I’ll listen though I don’t understand how or why they decide which block of people will do what. He likes finance and the stock market, and again, I don’t understand how that all works.
I do love him though, see above, he’s kind, affectionate, he prioritizes my comfort (and I did have to tell him I needed this), we have dates, (something else I had to explicitly tell him I needed) and we have sex.
Many couples have been where you are.
Nobody else you meet will love and care about your kids as much as their other parent.
If you do divorce, your kids will feel pain, there is no way around that.
If nothing else, use your love for your kids to set you on the path of working whatever it is out.
If you divorce, put yourself first. Make sure you aren’t short-sighted, you only get one shot to do this. You can’t go back and get more money from your ex or from the sale of the house. You can’t decide later that you really should have taken the minivan or by contrast the fun commuting car.
Don’t harm your kids, just realize that your ex won’t be your spouse and isn’t obligated to act like it. They can date whomever they’d like. They can tell you “I don’t care if you do have to work this weekend, I have kid-free plans, find a sitter”.
I wouldn’t advise nesting. No way would I want to share an apartment with someone I used to be married too. Oh look, there’s the book he’s reading, I always hoped he’d read that when we were married, he’d have been able to explain to me why the plot with the stock market made sense”. “Oh look, there’s the newspaper, why the hell do we need a hard-copy of a news paper anyway” Just would be too uncomfortable and painful.
I also wouldn’t want to own property with an ex, or make sure the kids have what they need when I’m not there. I can be married if I want to do that. If your husband always forgets to buy milk while you’re married, he’s going to keep on forgetting it. Or he’ll get the milk and make a production of getting cookies, the very same cookies he rarely got when the two of you were married because “I missed the kids” all while you’re thinking “If you’d done this while we were married, we wouldn’t be divorced”.
It really is the little things, op.
My vote since you asked is that you work on the marriage. Your kids can care for themselves physically now, bath time is now “Hey, Billy, go take a shower” They can get up and entertain themselves so the two of you can stay in bed a little longer and sleep or screw.
You may have to make a real effort to put each other and the marriage first, and I’d urge you to do that. After all, a new partner will want you to put them first, nobody healthy will be like “Come on over and screw whenever you want, of course your kids get priority”.
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