Summer vacation sticky situation?

[Anonymous]

DH's MIL lives in Massachusetts. She has a small year-round condo on Cape Cod and a small summer cottage on a lake in Central Massachusetts, where she spends summers. Neither place is large -- when we stay at either place (3 kids under 8), we pile into one small guest room. Context: This is not a family of planners or direct communicators.

We are trying to plan for a vacation week in July. I found a beautiful resort on the Cape where I'd love to go. For context, I have had a bonkers year at work and this will be my first vacation in over a year.

DH says we can't go there because it will be awkward for my MIL and hurtful for us to stay at a resort but not with her. When I pointed out she'd probably be at her lake cottage two hours away (where there is no room for us), DH says that she would feel compelled to travel home to the Cape to see us, yet we wouldn't be staying with her, so it would feel insulting. He said, how would you feel if our own adult kids vacationed near us but not with us?

I told DH that his MIL is welcome to visit us every day at the resort. It has a pool and a private beach (her condo has neither). I then said we could cut our time at the resort short and stay at her home, if she would like, but he would need to confirm the dates with her. I said she could spend as much time as she likes with us during that week. He said the Cape is too traffic-y and it's impractical.

I am beginning to feel like I am planning our first vacation in more than a year around possible hurt feelings and my in-law's travel needs.

We now live in NY. We have invited her to spend weekends with us a lot and she comes when is convenient. I now feel like my DH is trying to make our trip inconvenient to spare her feelings instead of doing what is convenient for *our* family: pool, beach, larger room. I get that he feels guilty, but he shouldn't, if we invite her to spend as much time as she wants with us and if we even shoehorn a visit to her home into our week away. I said she is a grown woman who can choose to see us or not.

Am I being completely crazy? Should we avoid heading to the Cape entirely bc my MIL has a home there but won't be there unless we go there....?

Guh.

[Anonymous]

You aren't wrong and personally I'd much rather do the trip your way, but my dh agreed with me when I brought it up in our case. Your dh needs to understand that change in tradition is hard, but it's also not the same thing as insulting someone.

You can be saying the most sensible thing in the world, but if your dh isn't on board then it won't help much.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how he can argue with compromise. 5 days at resort (MIL come for pool day dinner), 2 or 3 days at MIL cramped condo. It is not a vacation if everyone is on top of each other.

[Anonymous]

Why not just go to a totally different location? Sounds like you have been to the cape many times with MIL. Why not go somewhere else and then you won’t have the conflict.

[Anonymous]

Since your DH isn't on board with this, choose another location. Your situation is crazy, but since your DH doesn't want to talk to his mother, I feel like you have no choice if you want to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

There are so many places you can vacation. Believe it or not, it doesn't have to be "the cape."

[Anonymous]

Do not go to the Cape. Spend a week at Hilton Head. Great for kids, warm water, wide-hard packed sand, wide beaches. And no MIL drama for hundreds of miles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many places you can vacation. Believe it or not, it doesn't have to be "the cape."

Yes go someplace else!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many places you can vacation. Believe it or not, it doesn't have to be "the cape."

Yes go someplace else!

We're looking for drive-able locations from NY, so Hilton Head seemed out of reach. I would welcome other ideas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many places you can vacation. Believe it or not, it doesn't have to be "the cape."

Yes go someplace else!

We're looking for drive-able locations from NY, so Hilton Head seemed out of reach. I would welcome other ideas!

Long Beach Island, NJ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many places you can vacation. Believe it or not, it doesn't have to be "the cape."

Yes go someplace else!

We're looking for drive-able locations from NY, so Hilton Head seemed out of reach. I would welcome other ideas!

Lewes, DE
Rehoboth Beach, DE

Very family friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many places you can vacation. Believe it or not, it doesn't have to be "the cape."

Yes go someplace else!

We're looking for drive-able locations from NY, so Hilton Head seemed out of reach. I would welcome other ideas!

Lewes, DE
Rehoboth Beach, DE

Very family friendly.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's MIL lives in Massachusetts. She has a small year-round condo on Cape Cod and a small summer cottage on a lake in Central Massachusetts, where she spends summers. Neither place is large -- when we stay at either place (3 kids under 8), we pile into one small guest room. Context: This is not a family of planners or direct communicators.

We are trying to plan for a vacation week in July. I found a beautiful resort on the Cape where I'd love to go. For context, I have had a bonkers year at work and this will be my first vacation in over a year.

DH says we can't go there because it will be awkward for my MIL and hurtful for us to stay at a resort but not with her. When I pointed out she'd probably be at her lake cottage two hours away (where there is no room for us), DH says that she would feel compelled to travel home to the Cape to see us, yet we wouldn't be staying with her, so it would feel insulting. He said, how would you feel if our own adult kids vacationed near us but not with us?

I told DH that his MIL is welcome to visit us every day at the resort. It has a pool and a private beach (her condo has neither). I then said we could cut our time at the resort short and stay at her home, if she would like, but he would need to confirm the dates with her. I said she could spend as much time as she likes with us during that week. He said the Cape is too traffic-y and it's impractical.

I am beginning to feel like I am planning our first vacation in more than a year around possible hurt feelings and my in-law's travel needs.

We now live in NY. We have invited her to spend weekends with us a lot and she comes when is convenient. I now feel like my DH is trying to make our trip inconvenient to spare her feelings instead of doing what is convenient for *our* family: pool, beach, larger room. I get that he feels guilty, but he shouldn't, if we invite her to spend as much time as she wants with us and if we even shoehorn a visit to her home into our week away. I said she is a grown woman who can choose to see us or not.

Am I being completely crazy? Should we avoid heading to the Cape entirely bc my MIL has a home there but won't be there unless we go there....?

Guh.

Wouldn't your husband's mother in law be YOUR mother? Or was he a widower when he met you and this is his previous wife's mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's MIL lives in Massachusetts. She has a small year-round condo on Cape Cod and a small summer cottage on a lake in Central Massachusetts, where she spends summers. Neither place is large -- when we stay at either place (3 kids under 8), we pile into one small guest room. Context: This is not a family of planners or direct communicators.

We are trying to plan for a vacation week in July. I found a beautiful resort on the Cape where I'd love to go. For context, I have had a bonkers year at work and this will be my first vacation in over a year.

DH says we can't go there because it will be awkward for my MIL and hurtful for us to stay at a resort but not with her. When I pointed out she'd probably be at her lake cottage two hours away (where there is no room for us), DH says that she would feel compelled to travel home to the Cape to see us, yet we wouldn't be staying with her, so it would feel insulting. He said, how would you feel if our own adult kids vacationed near us but not with us?

I told DH that his MIL is welcome to visit us every day at the resort. It has a pool and a private beach (her condo has neither). I then said we could cut our time at the resort short and stay at her home, if she would like, but he would need to confirm the dates with her. I said she could spend as much time as she likes with us during that week. He said the Cape is too traffic-y and it's impractical.

I am beginning to feel like I am planning our first vacation in more than a year around possible hurt feelings and my in-law's travel needs.

We now live in NY. We have invited her to spend weekends with us a lot and she comes when is convenient. I now feel like my DH is trying to make our trip inconvenient to spare her feelings instead of doing what is convenient for *our* family: pool, beach, larger room. I get that he feels guilty, but he shouldn't, if we invite her to spend as much time as she wants with us and if we even shoehorn a visit to her home into our week away. I said she is a grown woman who can choose to see us or not.

Am I being completely crazy? Should we avoid heading to the Cape entirely bc my MIL has a home there but won't be there unless we go there....?

Guh.

Wouldn't your husband's mother in law be YOUR mother? Or was he a widower when he met you and this is his previous wife's mother?

I meant *his mother, *my MIL.

[Anonymous]

I can understand how your husband is feeling. Go to a resort in a totally different location and get the type of vacation you are looking for without the drama.