Did anyone have an adoption fall through at the hospital

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

You can’t agree to give up a baby before birth. You can only explore the possibility.

Then, you don't take money from someone to pay for your living expenses with the understanding you will place. If you are exploring the possibility you don't fund it with others money.

Why not? Basically, you are buying a baby and caveat emptor applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Look, if you as the adoptive mother feel offended or undermined by the term "first mother,"
then you should not adopt.

FWIW, my friend who did two open adoptions refers to the birth mothers as "your mother" or "Mama [Name]" to her kids.

We have a very open adoption. First mother is not appropriate, and what does that make mom? You never answered that? I really don't care what your friend did. You cannot even speak from personal experience.

Again, the fact that you're so sensitive about this indicates you have some issues to explore. Not sure why you have to secure your own place as mother by controlling what the original mother is called? Why are you threatened? You have the kid.

The terms you use are completely inappropriate for kids. Original mother, first mother. Not appropriate. I am very secure our adoption. We have a very open adoption, far more than most open adoptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Look, if you as the adoptive mother feel offended or undermined by the term "first mother,"
then you should not adopt.

FWIW, my friend who did two open adoptions refers to the birth mothers as "your mother" or "Mama [Name]" to her kids.

We have a very open adoption. First mother is not appropriate, and what does that make mom? You never answered that? I really don't care what your friend did. You cannot even speak from personal experience.

Again, the fact that you're so sensitive about this indicates you have some issues to explore. Not sure why you have to secure your own place as mother by controlling what the original mother is called? Why are you threatened? You have the kid.

The terms you use are completely inappropriate for kids. Original mother, first mother. Not appropriate. I am very secure our adoption. We have a very open adoption, far more than most open adoptions.

so what do you call her? It sounds like it’s inappropriate to you. do you think your kids somehow don’t realize who came first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not the "birth mother." At this point, she is the mother-to-be. IF you get the chance to adopt, you'll be this child's mother as well. But for now the only person with a right to this baby is her mom. OP, I know it's impossible not to get attached, not to dream of the future. I have dealt with infertility and two adoptions that didn't happen (one from foster care, one a private kinship placement). It hurts terribly. I could have given the kids many things they will never have. But I never could have given the kids the chance to grow up with their biological parents, and all I can do now is be happy they are getting that, and be supportive of the relative who is parenting (we don't have contact with the family we know through foster care, at their preference).

To your immediate question, I do know a family who was at the hospital when a child was born and had picked out a name and emailed around pictures everything--but the baby's parents decided to raise him. It was devastating for them, and they later divorced. She wound up adopting a child privately a few years later, and also remarried and had biological children.

I’m the PP who used the term “first mother” above and so glad there are a few other posters who get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this did happen to friends of mine, and it was devastating for them, but the family of young mother stepped in and was supported he decision, and child remained with birth family and in good hands. Then, a month later agency called them out of the blue--a young woman decided to place newborn and asked agency to make the best decision, and they reached out to my friends, and for them it has felt like it was meant to be.

I hope it works out for you as well!

This sounds like the best possible scenario for infant adoption. The first mother was given lots of family support. Ah was able to take the baby home and have plenty of time after the delivery in order to begin to recover physically and emotionally in her own home without the potential adoptive parents’ presence exerting pressure on her. (Not that anyone other than monsters would overtly pressure her, but if she is a kind girl and they are good people, she of course will feel the weight of their hunger for a child. And if they paid expenses for her, she will feel indebted to them as well.)

If she came to a choice to relinquish with time and space to do so freely and with sound mind, the temporary disappointment of the yearning adoptive parents is a small price to pay, albeit surely torturous to them in the short term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

Totally agree. If the mother died 5 hours after childbirth, is she not sill the mother? She’s not an egg donor. She’s still a mother. And maybe another mother will raise the child and parent the child, but you can’t/shouldn’t erase her existence simply because she was unable to parent or because she relinquished to give her child a better life than she could provide.

A parent dying and the Dad or other mom raising the child is not comparable.

The point is that carring and birthing a child makes her a mother of the child, even if she was only able to parent for one day and even if another mother took over the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

You can’t agree to give up a baby before birth. You can only explore the possibility.

Then, you don't take money from someone to pay for your living expenses with the understanding you will place. If you are exploring the possibility you don't fund it with others money.

Why not? Basically, you are buying a baby and caveat emptor applies.

Not true
Prospective adoptive parents cannot shower the pregnant girl with money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Please, please tell me you are a troll. I work with foster to adopt parents and I'd screen you out in a minute. You seem unwell. If you are real, please seek therapy. That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, to answer your question: I have close friends whose first adoption failed at the hospital. The couple was very young, like 13 and 14 y/o, and the boy's mom pressured the boy and he overturned his decision to let my friends adopt. It was heart-wrenching and my friend spent a week in bed. The second time they did adopt, and while everyone was very, very certain my friend was still very, very nervous.
Ten years later and all are extremely happy and that second adoption is beautiful. All the best for you. Please don't let this derailed thread discourage you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Please, please tell me you are a troll. I work with foster to adopt parents and I'd screen you out in a minute. You seem unwell. If you are real, please seek therapy. That poor kid.

We easily passed a home study and I probably have far more experience then you in foster/adopt. You seem unwell if you choose to allow inappropriate terms. I have a very happy and well cared for child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

Agree, as an adoptee.

Agree as an adoptive mom.

I could never, ever hurt my DD by suggesting that her birth mom was not her mother as well. That's just really mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not use the word "mother" when explaining my adopted daughter's origins to her. I am her mother, the birth parents are the birth lady and the birth man. In no way would i assign a word like mother or father to them. My daughter can assign such terms to them if she wishes when she is older.

That’s really sad for your daughter.

Like it or not, that is her history, that’s how she came into this world. I don’t understand people who adopt, then try to erase or minimize the child’s past.

The choice of words has nothing to do with erasing someone from a child's life.

Birth lady? Yes that is about erasing a relationship.

My kid’s first mother made the incredibly hard decision to continue a pregnancy in difficult decisions. She then made the even harder decisions to let him become part of my family because she knew that keeping him wouldn’t be good for him. Both of these things were parenting. Making decisions that are best for your child, rather than easy for you is parenting and parenting well. Calling her “birth lady” is like calling her a doula. Her role is far bigger than just being there for his birth.

Birth lady and first mother are both offensive. So, what are you? Second mother, mother of last resort, back up mother, caretaker as you are not the real mother, fake mother??

Please, please tell me you are a troll. I work with foster to adopt parents and I'd screen you out in a minute. You seem unwell. If you are real, please seek therapy. That poor kid.

We easily passed a home study and I probably have far more experience then you in foster/adopt. You seem unwell if you choose to allow inappropriate terms. I have a very happy and well cared for child.

Your anger is frightening. Your child can feel it. I will hope for peace for you all. Your attitude now is eating you up inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

You can’t agree to give up a baby before birth. You can only explore the possibility.

Then, you don't take money from someone to pay for your living expenses with the understanding you will place. If you are exploring the possibility you don't fund it with others money.

Why not? Basically, you are buying a baby and caveat emptor applies.

Not true
Prospective adoptive parents cannot shower the pregnant girl with money

If you give her $1.00, you are buying a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 15 years ago, DW and I were trying to adopt. In hindsight, I am 99% certain, the birth parent was using us to pay her expenses. What the agency did not tell us was that she had previously kept a baby after agreeing to give it up.

You can’t agree to give up a baby before birth. You can only explore the possibility.

Then, you don't take money from someone to pay for your living expenses with the understanding you will place. If you are exploring the possibility you don't fund it with others money.

Why not? Basically, you are buying a baby and caveat emptor applies.

Not true
Prospective adoptive parents cannot shower the pregnant girl with money

If you give her $1.00, you are buying a child.

Actually it depends on the state. CA and FL, for example allow very generous living expenses - housing, utilities, cell phone, food, etc. vs. a state like MD doesn't allow for expenses which is why a lot of adoptions don't happen here. Technically you are not giving her the money directly but paying a huge agency fee and they pay the money or you pay a lower agency fee and all expenses via the agency/facilitator/attorney (or all) who dole out the money. And, there is no obligation to place so you can pay $20-30K in expenses on top of attorney fees, agency fees, and not get a child.

However, this has nothing to do with OP topic.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just wanted to give an update. No labor yet! She has an induction scheduled at 40 1/2 weeks on Tuesday. We talk through social workers but she has mentioned twice to my social worker that she feels "confident in her choice and has no interest in parenting." Hopefully it all works out. I will let you know when baby is born.