Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the higher earning siblings with a couple of very very low earning siblings. My parents have always had favorites, so there was never an expectation that things would be equal.

We've hit a point where I don't ask and they don't tell me about what they provide. I don't want to know when they help out my siblings. That's up to them. Having my own income gives me freedom to make my own choices. My siblings are subject to tons of strings because they accept money. It also means I feel no obligation to support my parents or supplement their income.

Obviously, if parents are supporting adult kids (who have not always had a disability===ie it has been expected), then that is their choice. But it's also my choice as a fiscally responsible kid to not support their retirement because they are short

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an almost 18 yr old and 21 yr old. 18 yr old is female; 21 yr old is male.

We spend waaay more on the 18 yr old for everything - college (about to start), clothing, medical, toiletries.

21 yr old picked a lucrative field and will probably be making $200K their first job.

18 yr old picked a field that will make at most $60K their first job.

DC1 saved us a ton of money by deciding to go in state, whereas the younger one has decided to go oos.

I asked my DC1 if they felt cheated because we are/will be spending so much more money on their sibling, and they said no, that they know that they are luckier than their sibling. They are very good at STEM and academics has always come easy for them, whereas the younger sibling has some reading issues and isn't as academically gifted. Of course, part of the reason we do spend more on DC#2 is due to this reading issue, which is not DC's fault, but DC didn't have to choose oos (and it's pretty pricey).

Because of this, we bought our oldest something very expensive for xmas even though they could afford it (they made a lot from their internship last year). We normally don't buy very expensive presents. DC#2 is aware that we bought this for them.

My parents treated my older sibling and I differently. Older one got more than I did. When I started to make more than them, my parents expected more from me. That did not sit well with me. My mother particularly expected more from me because "I was more able" than the older sibling. Well, that was due in part because my mother babied my older sibling (the only boy) even though I am the youngest.

I am very cognizant of how we treat our kids in terms of equity. Funny enough, DC#1 said to me in that conversation that "equity is not the same as equality".

We are planning to give cash to DC#1 because of how much money they saved us. DC#2 knows that by choosing the oos, they will get nothing from us after graduation. We've also talked extensively to DC#2 what it will mean after graduation if they pick a field that will never pay very much, that they will probably struggle financially. They know we won't be bailing them out.

I can understand why OP wanted to pay for the less earning children to attend the family reunion, but Op should've had the discussion about equity/equality with their older DC a long time ago.

You cannot/shouldn't compare "spending more" on your kids to include therapies and help for academic issues.

However, any kid can choose any major if they really want to (Yes I get some are smarter than others---my oldest is smart, but not "Super smart", the youngest is wickedly smart---majoring in one of the most challenging engineering fields and loves the challenge and subject matter and problem solving. The younger will likely make a lot more than the older. But older went to a good school (Top 100), graduated in 4 years (after changing majors), found a great job with an excellent company and is doing very well 4 years out of college. They are smart in different ways and live within their means (and quite frankly making $90K in a MCOLA 4 years out of college is doing quite well for a non-stem major).

[Anonymous]

Obviously there is no right or wrong that someone else can tell you. Ask your higher earning DC if she's upset. If she's fine with it and honestly busy, then it was right. If she's hurt, then it was wrong.

I think it has more to do with you maintaining the role of parent equally than it does with money honestly.

[Anonymous]

OP you have received unusual consensus. So what will you do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three 20 something kids and two of them work low paying jobs while one is more established and successful. I think she makes 250k at 29. We are having a family reunion in another continent and I told her that I’ll be paying for her siblings (25 and 27) flights (because they wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise) but want her to pay for her own ticket because she can easily afford it. Well, yesterday we were discussing the trip and my daughter said she is deciding not to go because she’s busy with work. Usually she always travels with us so I’m not sure if she’s angry that I asked her to pay for her own airfare. It would cost around $1500. Was I wrong to do this?

Yes. Either pay for all of your children to attend or have family trips on the continent you all live on. Maybe she doesn’t want to spend $1500+ to hang out with her mom who can’t understand that.

My husband and I are successful and have been “punished” financially relative to our siblings. It’s not a great feeling. There is a lot of stress that comes from having a low paying job, but there is also a lot of stress that comes with having a high paying job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three adult kids and, while I generally agree you should treat them equally, in your case I can certainly understand your approach. I think your "rich" kid needs a lot of growing up to do. As a parent, I'd be greatly disappointed in your shoes.

I think being able to choose how you spend your money and time is part of being grown up. OPs daughter didn’t want to spend hers buying a trip everyone else was gifted. Pretty reasonable.

Absolutely. At least you raised one successful kid with healthy boundaries, OP. Now you know what to expect if you pull this crap in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so happy to have an only child.

Not a flex.
Could you not have more kids 🙄

[Anonymous]

I grew up with parents who did the same kind of thing OP did. My sibling guilted my parent into paying for private school tuition for grandkids, paying credit card bills, supplementing vacation. My mother needed me to help pay her bills because she didn't have enough money. Finally figured out why. Created a lot of problems for me requiring therapy, etc. You need to apologize to your DD and offer to pay for her ticket, even if she declines.

Please, please don't penalize you DD for being hardworking and successful. Treat all your children equally. Your DD who earn less made choices and presumably are happy with them.

[Anonymous]

My child's music teacher was 1 of 4 children. She was the youngest, babied all her life. Her siblings are more successful and I know the oldest siblings struggled with establishing themselves since there were younger siblings at home to support.
When her parents passed away, everything was left to this youngest child. She had klong known that nothing would be left for her siblings. She snickered and laughed about it at the funeral reception much to my shock.
And much to her delusional shock, the siblings refuse to speak with her.

The parents should never have done such a thing. Awful.

[Anonymous]

What is the birth order? In my family as the oldest DD it was expected that I also look after my younger siblings and I wouldn't question my parents paying for the sibling with the shakiest financial situation and not me. I don't like when parents/inlaws pay for us for things because I feel like they then control your whole trip and i get limited time off and don't want to spend that as someone elses prop on their idea of a great vacation. For ex my inlaws used to pay for a week beach house but the whole week my MIL and SIL controlled what we ate, when we ate, activities etc and I would much rather have paid for my own way and had some say in how my time off was used

[Anonymous]

YTA. It's always the successful person that is punished, while the losers are coddled by their momma and cant cut the apron strings. Treat your children equally.

I'm glad she stood up for herself. This is probably not the only instance of your unfair treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three adult kids and, while I generally agree you should treat them equally, in your case I can certainly understand your approach. I think your "rich" kid needs a lot of growing up to do. As a parent, I'd be greatly disappointed in your shoes.

You'd be disappointed? In the child that is the only one who doesn't need your financial help? In the child that supports themselves fully, while your other two children do not? You'd be disappointed that the child decides how and when to spend their own money, and makes a fiscally responsible decision?

You're a shitty parent.

[Anonymous]

I would pay for all of them. My high earning child regularly offers to pay for dinner for all or buys entry tickets, etc for siblings. She recognizes she has a financial advantage and she’s generous with it, but as parents we treat them all the same unless they themselves offer otherwise.

(We have given high earning child the same amount of $$ we spent subsidizing other child’s grad school. She doesn’t need it, but it’s there for her to continue her education, put towards investments, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you were unfair.

Your child earning that much is sacrificing health and time to make that kind of money. She doesn't need a horrible mother in her life who doesn't value her sacrifices.

Either you pay for all your children's travel expenses, or none at all.

I think you need to get some perspective on life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you were unfair.

Your child earning that much is sacrificing health and time to make that kind of money. She doesn't need a horrible mother in her life who doesn't value her sacrifices.

Either you pay for all your children's travel expenses, or none at all.

I think you need to get some perspective on life.

You know this is not the only time OP has shown favoritism between her children. This is potentially the proverbial straw.