How do you do it all?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not sustainable without a nanny or having kids in all day and extended day arrangements. We’ve been trying it for 4 years with no help and I’m about to start winding down with a plan to stay home again. It’s sad that part time work arrangements seem almost impossible to find.

I’ve worked 8:30-5:30 for 25+ years. Drop kids at daycare or school and then picked them up for 20yrs. It is sustainable when you don’t have any other choice. Plenty of people do this every day.

Surely you had them in extended care if you didn’t leave work until 5:30? Which is what the person you’re replying to said.

Right but what's wrong with having your children in a care situation while you are at work all day? Before Covid, everyone I know did this. Now people question it. The majority of this country has their kids in school/childcare and works in person. It is what it is. Most people cannot afford all of this extra help like nannies, housekeepers, etc.

+1
This forum is a very privileged bubble.

[Anonymous]

What you do is what so many moms of DC have done. You tell your husband that he is not in fact saving the world, and that the combination of bad hours and low pay are not working for the family. Then he either makes more money or he does a LOT more at home. It is a tale as old as time. A tradition of our fair city!

[Anonymous]

I don’t do it all! When I give up trying, I do better and am happier.

We don’t make great money though so perhaps I have lower expectations.

[Anonymous]

I only do it because my job has very flexible hours and I WFH 3 days a week. On those days, I usually head to the grocery store before any of my meetings start, and I often do a workout and shower during the workday. I also start a load of dishes or laundry here and there. I literally could not fathom doing it without that flexibility. My husband's job is more rigid but he can usually leave at 5 pm and bring the kids home (from after care, the horror), so I already have dinner started.

And my kids do a couple clubs at school, one at 7:30 pm on Mondays, and one or two on weekend mornings. That's just when it all has to happen. I don't know how else we'd do it.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t do it so I ended up becoming a SAHM. Dh earns a seven figure income and has a very demanding job. The third kid made it very difficult for me. Even though I stay home, we often have conflicts and carpool.

Many people work but seem to have flexible jobs. I often see moms and dads at 4 or 5pm soccer practices. Dh and I both could not have made that time when I was working.

[Anonymous]

You pay for help, like all of us.

You live in a walkable neighborhood and find activities that your children can get to independently, either by walking or biking or scooting.

[Anonymous]

I have a question for OP (sorry to make this about me)-

I have an opportunity to take a GS-15 level role in the foreign service. It would entail moving to a country where it would be inexpensive to hire help.

But the job is much more demanding than probably any job I’ve ever had.

I’m trying to figure out if my flexible job with zero help here in the US is better than an intense job but where we could literally have full time help. If we end up doing it I intend to have a full time nanny, weekend nanny, and housekeeper/cook. I will outsource every possible thing I can so I can focus on my kids and work exclusively.

I’m a DW and my husband is useless (ADHD/depression/autism/low T) so no matter where we live or what job I have, I’ll be running the household.

I’m leaning towards the overseas job because I wonder if it would help my resentment towards DH, because it would be less obvious to me how little he does if we are outsourcing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for OP (sorry to make this about me)-

I have an opportunity to take a GS-15 level role in the foreign service. It would entail moving to a country where it would be inexpensive to hire help.

But the job is much more demanding than probably any job I’ve ever had.

I’m trying to figure out if my flexible job with zero help here in the US is better than an intense job but where we could literally have full time help. If we end up doing it I intend to have a full time nanny, weekend nanny, and housekeeper/cook. I will outsource every possible thing I can so I can focus on my kids and work exclusively.

I’m a DW and my husband is useless (ADHD/depression/autism/low T) so no matter where we live or what job I have, I’ll be running the household.

I’m leaning towards the overseas job because I wonder if it would help my resentment towards DH, because it would be less obvious to me how little he does if we are outsourcing everything.

Kind of sounds like your kids would be trading in 1 parent for zero...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for OP (sorry to make this about me)-

I have an opportunity to take a GS-15 level role in the foreign service. It would entail moving to a country where it would be inexpensive to hire help.

But the job is much more demanding than probably any job I’ve ever had.

I’m trying to figure out if my flexible job with zero help here in the US is better than an intense job but where we could literally have full time help. If we end up doing it I intend to have a full time nanny, weekend nanny, and housekeeper/cook. I will outsource every possible thing I can so I can focus on my kids and work exclusively.

I’m a DW and my husband is useless (ADHD/depression/autism/low T) so no matter where we live or what job I have, I’ll be running the household.

I’m leaning towards the overseas job because I wonder if it would help my resentment towards DH, because it would be less obvious to me how little he does if we are outsourcing everything.

Hi OP here. You would definitely be better off with the overseas job. You could hire a nanny or two and have way more help than in DC, even with a super demanding job. I see single people with kids do it all the time. Many FSOs are unmarried but have young dependents. You can do it and should! Your DH may also enjoy the experience out of the DC bubble and find himself feeling better. It is worth a shot. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The first thing to go, for me, was having a clean house. I don’t make a lot so I only have the house cleaner once/month and “in theory” we spot clean throughout the month but in reality we totally live in a gross state by the end of the third week. Turns out I care less than I thought about it - I used to be so clean! I prioritize cooking good food and reading and laundry. When my kids were little I had no local family and it was so so hard. You’ll get through it! Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Either you have a nanny or both parents can’t have jobs that require long hours and inflexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either you have a nanny or both parents can’t have jobs that require long hours and inflexibility.

This or SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Prior to Covid, DH and I both worked approximately 30-45 minutes from home in the same part of DC and we staggered our schedules so that we weren't likely to hit traffic at the same time and the kids were not in after care for too long (we were able to pick up by 5:30). FWIW, our kids LOVED after care. They're pissed that they're no longer in it, but as of last year, DH works from home full time so it's no longer necessary. I make sure I'm home by 5:00 which usually means I leave early and DH makes sure the kids get ready and out the door in the AM

[Anonymous]

Tandem FSO with two high need kids who are now teenagers. It has been very difficult and in DC assignments one of us has had to take a lower key job. Especially hard when they were little and during language training. Even then, we still had a nanny and housekeeper once a week and just bled money until we could recoup overseas. Now we are back permanently. It is VERY hard with two teens and all the activities. All of the answers above about maxing efficiency in meals & having less make sense.
Also, fwiw, having all the help overseas was not great for me as the female part of the tandem because I was still in charge of all the planning, payments, management despite being higher ranked and a section director overseas....so the female / male inequity continues even with a nice and caring spouse. Parenting is exhausting and our employer is relentless.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents with no remote options and three kids, two of whom have special needs which greatly increases the amount of appointments. No family help and only paid help was an every other housecleaner which we didn’t have until all kids were school aged.

You do it by being organized. You plan ahead. You schedule appointments well in advance and as many as possible on the same day. You guard your leave time from work so you can get the necessities done. You make simple meals from the menu you preplanned. And you get things ready for the week on Sunday - packing lunches, laying out clothes for the week, etc.

Aftercare helps with some things, like homework. And they fed my kids so no one came home starving and cranky.

And you make sure no one in the family has ADHD, especially you.

PP here. Actually two kids with ADHD. it actually made my house run more efficiently because we had to be super organized and live with a lot of rules. To this day, no one would even think about leaving something laying around instead of putting it where it belongs. They even tell their friends where to put things when they come over.

And even though mine were in daycare, I felt like we had lots of time together every day except the first few months of kindergarten for my youngest. Maybe mine didn’t sleep as much as other people’s did.

Yeah. I think this type of ND shaming is harmful and stereotypical. There are many very successful people with ADHD.