Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

Wait. She married a doctor from a fancy private school, and she's uncomfortable that he's trying to soak her? Does she even realize that that fancy degree is going to be worth, or that student debt is part of the deal when you want to be a doctor? And have you even looked at the cost of med school at public universities? It may not be as inexpensive as you think.

Congrats on your daughter for graduating debt-free, I guess—although if by "advanced degree" you mean a Ph.D., that lack of debt isn't quite the achievement you make it out to be, since the standard deal for a Ph.D. is that you get fully funded plus a stipend that typically lets you live around the poverty line. Professional schools are a much different deal: the debt is an investment on future earnings (which your daughter will now benefit from him).

Describing that as "ritzy private degrees," suggesting that he should have just gone to a less expensive public university, and describing it as "unfair and coercive" to ask her to help pay for that debt now that they're married (and, again, she'll be benefiting from the increased earnings without having had to pay any of the investment cost) is...well, it's something.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll.

A - Why didn’t OP’s daughter know about the debt in advance?

B - I’m sure the fancy med school degree factored into the daughter’s choice of him as a suitable spouse.

[Anonymous]

One of my friend’s moms used her entire pension to pay for four kids’ college tuition. In their early golden years the dad divorces her and doesn’t pay any support. She had to go back to work as an administrative assistant for all of her 70s.

So no, I don’t think she should do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course. When you marry a person, you marry their debts too. If she didn’t want to deal with his school debt, she shouldn’t have married him. They could’ve just cohabitated.

This

[Anonymous]

Back when I was young, there were multiple stories, and personal observations, of young male physicians taking financial advantage of their wives. Multiple examples.

A young bride would work to maintain the household and help pay tuition while husband focused on his studies. Once he graduated from medical school, invariably dumped the young wife who helped make it possible for him to graduate debt free. I was familiar with a half dozen or so incidents like this. It was a thing.

For this reason, in your daughter's shoes, I would not help pay off the loans without attaching legal strings. If they get divorced within x number of years after loans paid off, husband is obligated to return $ to your daughter. Get a lawyer to draw up an airtight contract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

If having no debt is what matters most to her, this wasn’t the guy to marry. This is a normal situation (lots of people I know married spouses who came from modest backgrounds and took out loans, or had expensive professional school debt, or both) and the couple pays down the debt together. You seem very hung up on the “ritzy”-ness and resentful. Good thing you guys made different choices or there would be even more debt to pay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll.

A - Why didn’t OP’s daughter know about the debt in advance?

B - I’m sure the fancy med school degree factored into the daughter’s choice of him as a suitable spouse.

Agree it’s probably a troll. Also, the language about “soaking her” doesn’t sound like how you’d refer to your new son-in-law. Regardless, it is an interesting topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

Did he lie about his debt? Did she know how much debt he had? Did they have discussions about finances? If she didn’t, then she is extremely irresponsible, not naive. You don’t marry someone with $400k worth of debt without extensive conversations.

And no she should not pay off his debt. If they divorce, that debt goes with him:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

If being student debt free was that important why did your daughter marry this guy?
She should ask for a divorce and find a new debt free husband then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back when I was young, there were multiple stories, and personal observations, of young male physicians taking financial advantage of their wives. Multiple examples.

A young bride would work to maintain the household and help pay tuition while husband focused on his studies. Once he graduated from medical school, invariably dumped the young wife who helped make it possible for him to graduate debt free. I was familiar with a half dozen or so incidents like this. It was a thing.

For this reason, in your daughter's shoes, I would not help pay off the loans without attaching legal strings. If they get divorced within x number of years after loans paid off, husband is obligated to return $ to your daughter. Get a lawyer to draw up an airtight contract.

I think this is the right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

If your daughter is mature enough to be married, she’s mature enough to understand debt and the contract of marriage. She chose to marry him. She wasn’t coerced. Unless you raised a totally clueless woman, she knew what she was getting in to. It’s pretty obvious you just don’t like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

tl;dr Daughter married a poor person. He has potential but it's going to be a while. We are not amused.

Exactly. God I hope the SIL is making mega bucks in 15 years in plastics or neuro surgery and they can eat their "ritzy private schools" comments. Clearly they didn't do a great job parenting if **THIS** is the person she chose as a spouse. I mean, she didn't even check his assets or get a pre-nup. Bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

Are you sure you're not more concerned than she is? I only have had a few people in my friend group get MD's but I would have automatically expected MD school debt to exist. Before even dating. And I would have discussed it before marriage. I had no student loans. My husband had loans from one year of grad school equivalent to 80% of the cost of my first car. I paid off his loans after marriage and kept a record of the check and the account I paid it from (my savings). That's as much self-protection as I felt was warranted. We are still married. 27 years in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my friend’s moms used her entire pension to pay for four kids’ college tuition. In their early golden years the dad divorces her and doesn’t pay any support. She had to go back to work as an administrative assistant for all of her 70s.

So no, I don’t think she should do it.

Well that was dumb with or without a divorce. Never steal retirement money for college. This goes for savings as well.

[Anonymous]

How about wife makes a low interest loan to husband and he pays off the external debt quickly and then pays off the internal debt?