Can a friend group be toxic for some people but not for others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is possible. Social dynamics are complicaated and Kelly may have triggered someone in the wrong way. Ostracizing, othering, scapegoating an individual are unfortunately common social phenomena. Under the right circumstances even nice people can behave appallingly.
Also, you find out a lot about people when a crisis hits. Kelly experienced a crisis (manufactured or otherwise) and the true mettle of everyone in the group was exposed as a result. And when that happens, and you see that the people who meant a lot to you really don't care about you one way or another, it can be very soul crushing.

You are only responsible for your own actions. If you were normal and kind to Kelly then I would not feel guilty. If you can reach out to her and be kind now, perhaps it's not too late.

This. I experienced something similar to what Kelly experienced, and the hardest part for me was not finding out that people lied about me or wanted me out of the group (the people who did it were always people I felt a bit distrustful of, and one of them was actually the boyfriend/DH of one of these women and I have never actually even met him). Those people hurt me but didn't "betray" me as I never viewed them as close or trustworthy friends to begin with.

No, the betrayal was the people who I really did think were close friends, who would tell me privately they thought it was awful what was being said about me, and claim to defend me to others, but then maintained close friendships with the people they knew were responsible for the character assassination. They may have cared about me on some level, but not as much as they cared about their own standing with these people.

The bullies were jerks and I don't like them. But my "friends" who claimed to hate those bullies but then carefully ingratiated themselves with the bullies anyway? That cut deep.

[Anonymous]

Any update, OP? This thread has stuck with me.