Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

My work fling caught feelings and blew the whole thing up. He went a little bunny-boiler and couldn’t stop the contact in between the contact. There is always the possibility that you’ll be caught. And you may be surprised at how everything plays out when you are. So if you’re prepared for and accepting of all the potential consequences then go for it.

[Anonymous]

He drinks too much and he won’t f** his wife, how is he “the best of husbands”? I can’t say I blame you for cheating, though I wouldn’t, I’d just end the marriage. That way he can drink and not screw and you can have sex with anybody who wants to hve sex with you. You won’t be labeled a cheater, you’ll be a woman who decided she was no longer happy in her marriage. With no kids at home, no custody issues. Your kids are also at an age that you can tell them whatever you want, the g-rated version “I got tired of going to bed alone while your dad stayed downstairs “watching tv” if you don’t want to mention his drinking, or you can be more frank.. though that depends on how you and your kids roll. Point being, your kids aren’t at home anymore, they are legal adults, you don’t need to factor them in the way you might have had to do even 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM First Wives Club has found this thread, clearly.

OP, don’t listen to 99% of the posters on this thread. There are PLENTY of people who have sex w someone who isnt their spouse and a) dont fall in love b) their spouse never finds out c) their kids never find out c) nobody goes crazy on anybody. It just doesn’t make for good Lifetime movies or good gossip while waiting for the kids to finish catechism class.

That the First Wives Club doesnt seem to realize is that life is long, marriage is hard, and it is all confusing. These black and white positions they have taken (cheating bad, must be sad and lonely like me) dont really work for many, given that life doesnt throw only black and white, cut and dried situations at us.

Sleeping with someone who lives elsewhere and has no ties to your family seems like a very safe way to get your needs met. Think through how your spouse could find out, and just dont do those things. Such as using your regular texting app, stepping away from a family dinner to text him, letting your kids use your phone if your communication tool w him isnt pwd protected, etc.

Do what you need to do for yourself and your family. Be safe. Live your life. Dont let the overrectionary miserable DCUMiens make decisions for you.

Yes . . . and you are bringing in another person into the equation over whom you have no control. You have no idea if he'll be discreet or committed to not exposing himself to his partner. You have no idea how the partner will react once that happens.

Marriage is long, hard, and confusing. One thing that's not confusing however is that if you promise something rather major to someone else and then break that promise behind their back, it's grounds for them to be angry and hurt.

I think cheaters live in a fantasy where they have a lot of control over their life but in actuality they don't.

[Anonymous]

You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles

We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals

Then you slept, and I dressed, and I left

And I guess I'll see you Monday like before

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read whole thread, but from title I’d say “wow, that sounds like a great idea!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

DP. You have zero understanding of "opening" a marriage. It is not an actual, official open marriage if ONE person "declares" it open. This is not a unilateral decison that one spouse gets to make, solo. Simply "taking 6 seconds to declare the marriage open" is cheating, period. Open marriage is a mutually discussed, mutually agreed upon, clear decision. Not one half of a couple saying "I declare this marriage open, meaning, I'll sleep with anyone I want."

You and many others on DCUM seem to think that people like OP can say, "I"m unhappy so I declare the marriage open." Nope. If the other spouse disagrees, or ven just waffles and is unsure and therefore not on board clearly -- it's cheating. Not an open marriage.

But OP came here hoping for strangers to validate the hell out of her wanting to cheat, and she's gotten just that, so I suspect she'll go screw Mr. Take-Me-Now and blithely think she is still in an "excellent" marriage. She's great at self-deception. And yes, he drinks too much, but her instinct is to get laid rather than to push someone she supposedly loves to get help for his addiction. She's about sex, not love. And she got all the validation she could want from the sex-over-love crowd here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Sorry and to your first question - he’d be terribly sad and hurt, hence why I’m trying to think through all the angles.

Yes I think aside from the morality of it, the cost/benefit has to be weighed.
Worst case scenario: he finds out and it blows up the marriage.
And all your friends and relatives know that you ended a 25-year marriage to have sex with some guy in a work trip.
If it’s worth taking that chance then do it.

You could be fortunate and the guy you pick is discreet and it’s fun and it even feels exciting bc of the naughty and secretive nature of the whole thing gives you a rush…and then he goes away quietly and your DH never knows!

Or maybe you get a Stage 5 clinger who calls your cell or stalks your home and threatens to tell your DH….
Or he winds up finding out somehow…

Really think through all the possibilities. Only you can decide if the potential payoff is worth the risk.

Yes, a variation on the bunny boiler theme…it really isn’t a simple calculus, is it? Many ways to be found out…thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM First Wives Club has found this thread, clearly.

OP, don’t listen to 99% of the posters on this thread. There are PLENTY of people who have sex w someone who isnt their spouse and a) dont fall in love b) their spouse never finds out c) their kids never find out c) nobody goes crazy on anybody. It just doesn’t make for good Lifetime movies or good gossip while waiting for the kids to finish catechism class.

That the First Wives Club doesnt seem to realize is that life is long, marriage is hard, and it is all confusing. These black and white positions they have taken (cheating bad, must be sad and lonely like me) dont really work for many, given that life doesnt throw only black and white, cut and dried situations at us.

Sleeping with someone who lives elsewhere and has no ties to your family seems like a very safe way to get your needs met. Think through how your spouse could find out, and just dont do those things. Such as using your regular texting app, stepping away from a family dinner to text him, letting your kids use your phone if your communication tool w him isnt pwd protected, etc.

Do what you need to do for yourself and your family. Be safe. Live your life. Dont let the overrectionary miserable DCUMiens make decisions for you.

Thank you for the calm and measured tone here. I genuinely came here looking for thoughts on all sides of the issue, so appreciate it all (maybe not the vitriol but guess that’s part of the package!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles

We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals

Then you slept, and I dressed, and I left

And I guess I'll see you Monday like before

Good one! though no Mondays in this scenario (happily)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The DCUM First Wives Club has found this thread, clearly.

OP, don’t listen to 99% of the posters on this thread. There are PLENTY of people who have sex w someone who isnt their spouse and a) dont fall in love b) their spouse never finds out c) their kids never find out c) nobody goes crazy on anybody. It just doesn’t make for good Lifetime movies or good gossip while waiting for the kids to finish catechism class.

That the First Wives Club doesnt seem to realize is that life is long, marriage is hard, and it is all confusing. These black and white positions they have taken (cheating bad, must be sad and lonely like me) dont really work for many, given that life doesnt throw only black and white, cut and dried situations at us.

Sleeping with someone who lives elsewhere and has no ties to your family seems like a very safe way to get your needs met. Think through how your spouse could find out, and just dont do those things. Such as using your regular texting app, stepping away from a family dinner to text him, letting your kids use your phone if your communication tool w him isnt pwd protected, etc.

Do what you need to do for yourself and your family. Be safe. Live your life. Dont let the overrectionary miserable DCUMiens make decisions for you.

Thank you for the calm and measured tone here. I genuinely came here looking for thoughts on all sides of the issue, so appreciate it all (maybe not the vitriol but guess that’s part of the package!).

OP, have YOU had therapy? There is clearly more going on here.

Having read all the responses, the answer here really seems to be to address DH’s drinking first. Yes you can’t “make” him do anything but I can’t see how your marriage is truly “excellent” with him drinking himself into a sexless stupor on the regular. That’s not healthy. You need to put all your cards on the table and have a very serious conversation about this.

I get the excitement of men showing interest. My husband has a lower libido and men show interest in me all the time because I’m attractive and friendly. It’s not a good reason to cheat.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had a “same time next year” relationship with a guy for eight years. I met him through business and he lives far away and we are very discreet. The few times we talk I’m on an office phone and we don’t text. I got tired of a sexless marriage to a guy who is great except for that. So twice a year I take a business trip and spend two days getting all the physical affection I need. I do wish my husband would treat me the same way but it’s not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had a “same time next year” relationship with a guy for eight years. I met him through business and he lives far away and we are very discreet. The few times we talk I’m on an office phone and we don’t text. I got tired of a sexless marriage to a guy who is great except for that. So twice a year I take a business trip and spend two days getting all the physical affection I need. I do wish my husband would treat me the same way but it’s not going to happen.

Honestly, if you see this guy once a year ... you are in a 2nd sexless relationship, basically.

[Anonymous]

^ I thought the same thing. My exhusband thought 2 times a week was sexless at 20 years- so he supplemented once a month with some other married ho. They Really did not expect the level of fallout that occurred to two families. All fun and games …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I thought the same thing. My exhusband thought 2 times a week was sexless at 20 years- so he supplemented once a month with some other married ho. They Really did not expect the level of fallout that occurred to two families. All fun and games …

I suspect one reason OP is so willing to entertain this idea is because they seem to be empty nesters so she might think of her kids as unaffected if she gets caught. That's so naive of her; she's happy to risk her adult kids' respect for her. And adult kids, who understand what sex and cheating really mean, actually may be far angrier at a cheating parent than young kids could ever be. She also is arrogant enough she assumes her DH will never find out, her kids will never know, she'll never get caught. And she's using her DH's alcoholism as an excuse to cheat too. But she's already come back to say she's happy about responses which helped her justify her craving to cheat, so she won't ever see this post or think about her adult kids re: her cheating.