3rd kid at 43.

[Anonymous]

I don't think having a kid at 43 is the problem - its what happens later. My husbands parents had him when they were 43 and 45. We are now 38 and doing the whole sandwich generation thing, years earlier than our friends. His dad is now 83 and has dementia and is in declining health. DH and I both work full time, leave 4 hours away from his dad and we have 3 young kids. It is horrible. Also DH lost his mother when he was 25, which has done a number on him both emotionally and mentally.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny. Today I was at the park with my nanny kid and her mom. NK is 2, I'm 25, and my boss/the mom is 46. A lady at the park assumed I was the mom and my boss was MY mom/the grandma....so so awkward.

Reminded me of this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my 3rd at 41 - wanted 4 but was medically prohibited due to complications that were unrelated to age. I still feel like i am missing that 4th child - grew up with a big family, all my friends had big families. I think alot depends on when you had your first kids. I had mine late so this 40s pregnancy happened when we were still in the little kids stage and we live in a neighborhood where there are lot of other parents who put career first in their 20s and early 30s and then had kids. I also don't feel like I want an empty nest sooner. Love the people my kids are and am happy to spend as much time with them as I can. Everyone is different and I'm not sure why so many posters are judging someone feeling like their family isn't complete

We are just pointing out some of the many drawbacks to having kids at an advanced age, that many people seem willing to ignore or overlook. If you die at the age my mom did, your 3rd child will be 20.

While I do worry about dying early the truth is no one knows when they will die.

If I die in my 90s like my grandparents and great aunt my kid will be between mid forties to early fifties. my parents are in their eighties still alive but my mother now has cognitive impairment at 84 (grandparents had no cognitive issues) so she might have to deal with that in her mid thirties of course there is no guarantee I will live as long as all my relatives (even though I also carry the gene associated with longevity) but TBH the lifespan of my family did factor into my decision. If all my relatives were dropping off in their late 60s early 70s it would have given me greater pause. Of course I am squarely in the sandwich position with a toddler and ailing parents. So you never know. Gives me grater motivation to take care of my health so I can be there for her as long as I can. Life is uncertain no matter what age.

[Anonymous]

So many Debbie Downers on this thread. And you all seem to be tremendously out of shape. I had my kids at 41 and 45, I am now 61 and my kids and I train for our century bike rides every weekend.

Get off the couch! Who could possibly be tired in their 40s and 50s??

[Anonymous]

Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

This is almost right. What I think is more accurate is that these 40+ mothers are being defensive because they know in their heart of hearts that theirs was a selfish decision. Having babies after 40 is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many Debbie Downers on this thread. And you all seem to be tremendously out of shape. I had my kids at 41 and 45, I am now 61 and my kids and I train for our century bike rides every weekend.

Get off the couch! Who could possibly be tired in their 40s and 50s??

Talk to us when you're 71, or 75, and a new grandmother and can't do squat with your grandkids and are simply a burden on everybody.

-- 61 year old with three grandkids who can actually lend a hand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the people saying to go for it are still in the little kid phase and haven’t dropped at kid at college in their 60’s yet.

My grandmother had my aunt(3rd kid) at 47. can’t speak to my grandma‘s experience dropping her off at college but my aunt did ok. She was like an only child though because the age gap was 18 years. My understanding of the situation was that my grandparents were better parents in their late 40s than in their 20s so it’s not all bad. Some people do mellow out and become wiser with age.

Mellowed, or checked out? Can you imagine starting over when your other child is 18???!?

Not OR but come from a family where the youngest and oldest were 9 years apart. I would say 'checked out' is accurate when it came to the youngest kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

This is almost right. What I think is more accurate is that these 40+ mothers are being defensive because they know in their heart of hearts that theirs was a selfish decision. Having babies after 40 is ridiculous.

Agreed.
"I am so glad I have older parents" said no one ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

This is almost right. What I think is more accurate is that these 40+ mothers are being defensive because they know in their heart of hearts that theirs was a selfish decision. Having babies after 40 is ridiculous.

Agreed.
"I am so glad I have older parents" said no one ever.

Actually I have read multiple anecdotes of people who were happy to have older parents. Believe it or not there are advantages (also disadvantages but that’s true of everything in life.)

https://www.popsugar.com/family/why-i-liked-having-older-parents-47058275

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

+1000

[Anonymous]

My friend had two kids after 40 (her first, with no medical assistance). They are healthy and great. She is a very happy mom.

I adopted my only at 43. She has been the joy of my life (but again, I had no other children). It was hard to move her in and out of college in my 60's, but most of parenting does not involve physical challenges (especially as they age). Because I am older, we have more discretionary income, I have more career flexibility (since I have achieved a certain level of success), that allows me to take her on great trips and send her to great camps. Of course, there is also the life experience you bring to the task, which a young mom would not have acquired.

Hard choice, but it can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

This is almost right. What I think is more accurate is that these 40+ mothers are being defensive because they know in their heart of hearts that theirs was a selfish decision. Having babies after 40 is ridiculous.

Why would 38 be fine, but 41 be ridiculous? Living according to some arbitrary book of rules (that only exists in other people's heads) is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not have a kid in my 40s. Had my youngest at 35 and even that is kinda pushing it IMO. My husband and I know multiple people our age, who are still in their prime and who’s kids are off to college. A few even are already grandparents. And my youngest is just starting elementary. It is what it is, but if given the choice I would of had them younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confirmation bias. People always believe the choice they made was the right one.

OP isn't going to get any valuable info here. People are just saying the choice they made was correct, whatever it was.

This is almost right. What I think is more accurate is that these 40+ mothers are being defensive because they know in their heart of hearts that theirs was a selfish decision. Having babies after 40 is ridiculous.

Agreed.
"I am so glad I have older parents" said no one ever.

Uhhh me? My dad was 45 when I was born. He’s 90 now and in good health. I’m grateful for every year I get with him. I loved having an older parent. He was far into his career and had done really well, so I had a lot of opportunities growing up and graduated college/law school debt free. He had also had a lot of life experience; he was and still is the person I go to for advice. He was a great role model.

It never crossed my mind that he was older than my friends parents. We ran half marathons together when he was in his sixties. He is a loving grandfather though he doesn’t do any childcare. But then again he wouldn’t have done it when he was younger either - he didn’t retire until his mid 70s. He has funded 529s for my kids as well at UTMA accounts. Very glad he had me in his 40s and not when he was a poor army kid at 22.