So fed up with my kid who won't eat anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give one warning then empty the unwanted plate straight into the garbage can and tell her no food until breakfast. Or wrap it and it becomes breakfast. Stop battling with her. If doing this causes her to lose weight then she has an eating disorder. Healthy kids will not starve themselves.

Ugh. 1975 called. It wants its failed, outdated parenting methods back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's picky, she picks at her food, everything is too hot or too cold or too medium, she likes things one day and then not the next, she likes a food and then doesn't like how it's prepared. She complains constantly that she is hungry but then won't eat the food I give her. Part of it is that I do want her to eat healthy foods (if it were up to her she would simply eat baked goods for every meal, the occasional berry, no vegetables, and no proteins). We are not overly restrictive about anything. I read all the stuff about picky eating and do all the stuff you are supposed to do, including:

- composing meals that involve mostly familiar foods, including at least one I know she'll eat, in small portions
- Inviting her to cook with us and be active in preparing meals
- Making meals colorful and inviting
- Not pressuring her to eat anything, not having any banned foods
- Never talking about food as good or bad
- Never bribing her to eat
- Trying to make meals playful and fun
- Providing a shelf with a variety of healthy snack options for self-serve

And so on and so on. I'm so tired. All I hear all day long is "I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry." I feel like 90% of my mental capacity is focused on trying to feed her. I'm waaaaaay passed trying to get her to eat meals with us (she simply will not, she won't eat cooked food, combined foods, anything with meat, any vegetables at all -- we tried this forever and every meal was an exhausting battle because she'd sit and and cry and refuse to touch anything on her plate). I don't do short order cook but I prepare meals from the set of foods she has been known to eat and then try to gently mix in new foods as we go to expand horizons.

But none of this has eliminated the food battles. Today she complained about wanting food literally from the moment she got up until I was tucking her into bed. Every meal I served her, she ate the one thing I knew she'd eat (a muffin, strawberries, some apple sauce), picked at the rest and complained. She told me she was hungry at bedtime so I let her have a piece of bread with butter but I'm honestly angry about it because I don't want my kid to be hungry but WHY IS SHE HUNGRY I DEDICATED MY WHOLE DAY TO FEEDING HER.

Just why. I cannot. I can't take the combination of refusing to eat everything but complaining constantly about being hungry. What the heck am I supposed to do here.

I'd get rid of all the ready-to-eat starches in the house and stock plenty of ready-to-eat healthy food. From there, I'll make anything she wants, provided she will eat at least 2-3 bites, but only for mealtimes. She's on her own for snacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:- Breaded and browned chicken tenderloins

- Marinated and grilled chicken tenderloins

- Rib eye steak

- Spaghetti

- Creamy pasta with shredded chicken

Do you cook foods like this for dinner? We still do, DD age 10

I make stuff like that daily (OP here). My DD would not touch it with a ten foot pole. I don't understand what the suggestion is here... the problem isn't that I don't serve her healthy or protein-rich foods. It's that she will not eat them.

What foods does she reliably eat? What can you get her to try? Have you tried doing baked goods made with almond or coconut flour and plenty of egg?

[Anonymous]

OP - just drop the rope. If your kid wants to eat the same 2-3 things for every lunch and dinner, let her. Before you try Ellyn Satter, first heal your relationship. Take away the anger, shame, and conflict with food and allow her to rebuild her trust that she will have food she can eat available when she is hungry. Give that plenty of time - 6-12 months. Maybe even read Peaceful Parenting by Laura Markham and work on connection and emptying her backpack.

Once you are in a better place, find small ways to try new foods. A new type of cookie or ice cream flavor. A new type of bread or muffin. Take tiny steps to let her try new foods in an accessible way. Put the family dinner on the table family style and serve yourself. Ask her each meal “would you like some” and don’t act shocked or angry when she says “no thanks”. Don’t try to cajole or manipulate her into trying the new thing. It will come in time - but it takes a TON of patience. Our Ped stressed that the example we are setting by how we eat is important even if it seems like the kid doesn’t notice.

This is what worked for us. My kid is not an adventurous eater by any stretch, but he now has enough “standard” foods that we can go to restaurants or on vacation without packing special foods for him.

[Anonymous]

One egg pancakes go over well with my picky eater. One egg mixed with a packet of flavored instant oatmeal, or one egg mixed with 1/4 cup of pancake mix plus a little milk.

Will she eat savory baked goods? I used to do a keto bake with egg, almond flour, baking powder, and a ton of grated cheese. Sometimes cooked crumbled sausage or burger. Kids loved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look into feeding therapy, OP. You may want to find a therapist familiar with https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/arfid

Get some intervention now, for your sake and because kids can't grow properly with so little protein. Having a professional involved will relieve some of the stress on you and keep it from being a battle.

The Helpline at the link above may be able to give you some names in the area, or your pediatrician.

Good luck! It is really hard.

This. This is the way. Tears over food, especially when OP has been so thoughtful about providing choice, aren’t normal. Feeding therapy is a type of occupational therapy that helps kids get past aversion. With OP’s kid liking something one day and not the next, this sounds like a sensory issue that would do best with professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is 5.

Those of you suggesting it's ARFID -- can this be diagnosed even if she is a healthy weight and following a healthy growth pattern? She's never been underweight (or overweight -- always just right at the 50% target for weight/height) and has no signs of anemia or malnutrition. She definitely has signs of anxiety around meals/food though. And the symptom about "vague complaints about digestive issues" is spot on. She often talks about her stomach hurting but there's never any clear cause except occasionally needing to go to the bathroom. But yeah, I hear "my tummy hurts" probably 4 or 5 days a week.

I will talk to the pediatrician about this, but just out of curiosity, what does treatment for ARFID look like? Is it something you medicate or is it just behavioral therapy? Just wondering if there are things I could now that could help, in case it takes a while to get a diagnosis or we don't get one. I'm definitely at a point of desperation.

You OP are going to create issues for life. See there is no prob and you are making it one. SMH.

[Anonymous]

At that age it’s a lot snacks and fruits. She is growing let her be.

[Anonymous]

I have been dealing with the same thing since 5 she is 8 now

[Anonymous]

Unflavored protein powder was my secret weapon. It can be hidden in many things. It doesn't solve the underlying problem but it solves some of the side effects and buys time. Good luck, it's very frustrating but you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's picky, she picks at her food, everything is too hot or too cold or too medium, she likes things one day and then not the next, she likes a food and then doesn't like how it's prepared. She complains constantly that she is hungry but then won't eat the food I give her. Part of it is that I do want her to eat healthy foods (if it were up to her she would simply eat baked goods for every meal, the occasional berry, no vegetables, and no proteins). We are not overly restrictive about anything. I read all the stuff about picky eating and do all the stuff you are supposed to do, including:

- composing meals that involve mostly familiar foods, including at least one I know she'll eat, in small portions
- Inviting her to cook with us and be active in preparing meals
- Making meals colorful and inviting
- Not pressuring her to eat anything, not having any banned foods
- Never talking about food as good or bad
- Never bribing her to eat
- Trying to make meals playful and fun
- Providing a shelf with a variety of healthy snack options for self-serve

And so on and so on. I'm so tired. All I hear all day long is "I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry." I feel like 90% of my mental capacity is focused on trying to feed her. I'm waaaaaay passed trying to get her to eat meals with us (she simply will not, she won't eat cooked food, combined foods, anything with meat, any vegetables at all -- we tried this forever and every meal was an exhausting battle because she'd sit and and cry and refuse to touch anything on her plate). I don't do short order cook but I prepare meals from the set of foods she has been known to eat and then try to gently mix in new foods as we go to expand horizons.

But none of this has eliminated the food battles. Today she complained about wanting food literally from the moment she got up until I was tucking her into bed. Every meal I served her, she ate the one thing I knew she'd eat (a muffin, strawberries, some apple sauce), picked at the rest and complained. She told me she was hungry at bedtime so I let her have a piece of bread with butter but I'm honestly angry about it because I don't want my kid to be hungry but WHY IS SHE HUNGRY I DEDICATED MY WHOLE DAY TO FEEDING HER.

Just why. I cannot. I can't take the combination of refusing to eat everything but complaining constantly about being hungry. What the heck am I supposed to do here.

As someone who has parented a kid with a pretty severe eating issue, the bolded things are not what most people who work with children with feeding challenges recommend.

Here is what we've been told.

1) Meals and snacks are offered on a predictable schedule, and the options for the child to pick between are chosen by the adult. Self-selecting and self-serving snack items is very much not recommended. Kids need to arrive at meals hungry and not starving. When they complain about being hungry you say "Snack time is coming soon." you don't give food in that moment.

2) Meals aren't plated. Things are served family style. So, the "small portions" doesn't apply since that assumes an adult is plating the food.

3) Serve a variety of food. Include at least one food your kid has willingly eaten before. Not many foods, and not always a favorite food. Serve food "considerately" in that you offer pasta before the sauce is put on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is 5.

Those of you suggesting it's ARFID -- can this be diagnosed even if she is a healthy weight and following a healthy growth pattern? She's never been underweight (or overweight -- always just right at the 50% target for weight/height) and has no signs of anemia or malnutrition. She definitely has signs of anxiety around meals/food though. And the symptom about "vague complaints about digestive issues" is spot on. She often talks about her stomach hurting but there's never any clear cause except occasionally needing to go to the bathroom. But yeah, I hear "my tummy hurts" probably 4 or 5 days a week.

I will talk to the pediatrician about this, but just out of curiosity, what does treatment for ARFID look like? Is it something you medicate or is it just behavioral therapy? Just wondering if there are things I could now that could help, in case it takes a while to get a diagnosis or we don't get one. I'm definitely at a point of desperation.

If she has a healthy growth pattern, I wouldn't fuss about food. Just give her what she wants. The important thing is to set a good example by eating healthy food yourself, having healthy choices around, etc. Kids watch what you do.

[Anonymous]

I would buy the Kodiak brand protein pancakes and protein brownie mix while you get this figured out so she's at least getting a little protein in her baked goods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid eats:
PB&J
Pasta that he dips in hummus
Bacon
Yogurt with granola
Apples (2-4 per day)
Chicken nuggets
Raw baby spinach
Quesadilla
Cheese and crackers
Pizza
Cantaloupe
mango
cucumber slices
Muffins
Toaster waffles

That’s pretty much it. No burgers or hot dogs. No sandwiches.
No sauces on food. No dipping sauce except hummus.
Ped says he eats too many food for feeding therapy. We just let him eat from his rotation. On the bright side - he can and will eat the same thing every day. When we were home for the early pandemic, he ate PB&J, apple slices, and milk for lunch every day from mid-March until the end of June. 7 days a week. When he was 3 or 4, I made him Annie’s Mac and cheese every day for 6 months.

OP here. My kid is similar but the list is similar. It's more like:

PB&J
Mac & cheese (sometimes, only if from the box)
Yogurt with fruit and/or granola
Apples
Berries
Cheese and crackers (sometimes won't eat the cheese)
Muffins (any baked good really)
Toaster waffles
Corn (sometimes)
Mangos (in a smoothy)
Bananas (in a smoothy)
Citrus fruit (definitely in a smoothy, and sometimes also on its own)
Rice
Beans (sometimes)

No veggies, no pizza, no quesadillas, and the proteins are soooo limited. She does drink milk so that helps a bit, but I have been getting worried that she may have lactose intolerance issues because she complains of digestive issues frequently.

Not sure if this is limited enough for intervention. But still interested to know what an intervention would look like.

I hear your frustration. But this list is long enough that her basic nutritional needs are covered. Honestly, I would drop all food conversation and arguments. If she wants to live on BP&J sandwiches, milk, and apples- fine. She will be ok. Serve regular dinners to everyone else and she eats
With you. Have her know she is always welcome to have what you are having, but no pressure. She will eventually try more. Maybe not anytime soon, but she will outgrow this eventually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's picky, she picks at her food, everything is too hot or too cold or too medium, she likes things one day and then not the next, she likes a food and then doesn't like how it's prepared. She complains constantly that she is hungry but then won't eat the food I give her. Part of it is that I do want her to eat healthy foods (if it were up to her she would simply eat baked goods for every meal, the occasional berry, no vegetables, and no proteins). We are not overly restrictive about anything. I read all the stuff about picky eating and do all the stuff you are supposed to do, including:

- composing meals that involve mostly familiar foods, including at least one I know she'll eat, in small portions
- Inviting her to cook with us and be active in preparing meals
- Making meals colorful and inviting
- Not pressuring her to eat anything, not having any banned foods
- Never talking about food as good or bad
- Never bribing her to eat
- Trying to make meals playful and fun
- Providing a shelf with a variety of healthy snack options for self-serve

And so on and so on. I'm so tired. All I hear all day long is "I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry." I feel like 90% of my mental capacity is focused on trying to feed her. I'm waaaaaay passed trying to get her to eat meals with us (she simply will not, she won't eat cooked food, combined foods, anything with meat, any vegetables at all -- we tried this forever and every meal was an exhausting battle because she'd sit and and cry and refuse to touch anything on her plate). I don't do short order cook but I prepare meals from the set of foods she has been known to eat and then try to gently mix in new foods as we go to expand horizons.

But none of this has eliminated the food battles. Today she complained about wanting food literally from the moment she got up until I was tucking her into bed. Every meal I served her, she ate the one thing I knew she'd eat (a muffin, strawberries, some apple sauce), picked at the rest and complained. She told me she was hungry at bedtime so I let her have a piece of bread with butter but I'm honestly angry about it because I don't want my kid to be hungry but WHY IS SHE HUNGRY I DEDICATED MY WHOLE DAY TO FEEDING HER.

Just why. I cannot. I can't take the combination of refusing to eat everything but complaining constantly about being hungry. What the heck am I supposed to do here.

As someone who has parented a kid with a pretty severe eating issue, the bolded things are not what most people who work with children with feeding challenges recommend.

Here is what we've been told.

1) Meals and snacks are offered on a predictable schedule, and the options for the child to pick between are chosen by the adult. Self-selecting and self-serving snack items is very much not recommended. Kids need to arrive at meals hungry and not starving. When they complain about being hungry you say "Snack time is coming soon." you don't give food in that moment.

2) Meals aren't plated. Things are served family style. So, the "small portions" doesn't apply since that assumes an adult is plating the food.

3) Serve a variety of food. Include at least one food your kid has willingly eaten before. Not many foods, and not always a favorite food. Serve food "considerately" in that you offer pasta before the sauce is put on.

This won't work for all families. It requires a parent who can prepare sit down, family style meals from scratch, daily. It is not realistic for families like mine, for instance, where one parent dies not get home until 7pm,

It also won't work well for kids who become more stubborn the more rigid you are. I have a kid like this. This approach would not work for them. They would simply starve themselves. They must be given options and some amount of control over their food or they won't eat.