Hitting crisis point as predicted
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Anonymous
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Parents cross country, sister living there but working. She does a lot. All refuse any offers to help with relocation to east coast or even in their area locally, despite all money tied up in the house and living on only social security (barely). Was just out there in Dec/Jan and could see the roaring freight train.
Sure enough, now father can barely get up, having trouble walking, almost totally incontinent. Might be a bladder infection - checking today - but given past stroke history, probably more than that. Unless they sell, they can afford nothing. The expectation is husband and I will pay for full-service care, which will devastate our ability to provide for ourselves in old age. We will not do it; they don’t believe we will not do it. Interesting dynamic. The only offer there will be on the table is that I will pay my sister’s bills (not that much) to allow her to stay home full-time with my folks. I am wiling to come out of retirement and work full-time to do so. The obvious solution is to sell and downsize. My aunt just recently passed and my husband and I actually own the house about a mile away in their same community. The house is paid for. Would be easy for them to sell, move into that, and hire whoever they need. Tired of the stubbornness. Just had to get this out. |
Anonymous
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You can't sell the aunt's house and pay for care in their home?
You'll eventually get their house anyway, when they pass. It all evens out. |
Anonymous
I have to split the money three ways BUT I had a similar idea as you - sell my aunt’s house, use some of that cash to help pay for their care, then when they sell their home, my siblings has to understand that money we put out is a loan (we’ll draw up paperwork) and get reimbursed for it. I’m sure my sibs will put up a huge fight. |
Anonymous
| OP have you spoken with them yet about what you're willing to contribute? If no, do. If yes, wait for them to come to you for full-service care. Then, explain again. They will have to come up with new option. You don't have to do more, and it's also their choice. Try to not to be angry at them; it's their life and the anger will make you feel like shit. Just set loving boundaries, and proceed. |
Anonymous
| OP, have you previously posted about the situation with your family? If so, no need for another thread. |
Anonymous
No idea if OP has posted before, but there’s no rule that someone can post about something only once. |
Anonymous
| If you make all these sacrifices do you think it will solve everything? No, they will take advantage more.Set the boundary you are not supporting them financially and look into what they can afford. |
Anonymous
| You and your sibs have to have a talk with them in person to solve this. "Mom, Dad, we love you both very much. You are getting older and while you are still able to express your wishes for care/ageing in place, and we are all here to discuss, we want to deal with the possibilities BEFORE a crisis comes up." Then proceed. You should discuss all these possibilities beforehand with your sibs and COMPROMISE on how you will handle things monetarily regarding this. No conflicts at the family meeting, you have a gesture or whatever, when someone is out of line, and sibs agree to shut the F up if the gesture is made. |
Anonymous
| Wait, so the plan is that YOU pay for everything? Your parents and sister? Can you say no or offer a monthly amount of money for care? |
Anonymous
Yes, OP posted about this in December: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1021319.page |
Anonymous
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When your dad is finally hospitalized, have the social worker transfer him to the rehab facility that their medical benefits will pay for. Let your mom and dad know you will contribute your share of the money from your aunt's house and x dollars per month and put it in writing, along with a comparison of costs.
Had to to this for my parents. Having someone come into their home and look after them 24/7 cost twice as much as the most.expensive luxury care assisted living option available. Sounds like your dad is way too far gone for senior independent living. I had to run the numbers, write them down for my parents, and then have a hissy fit to get them to take me seriously. Once your physical abilities are too far gone, there is no way you can stay in your own house unless you are a multimillionaire or a relative lives with you and takes care of you for free. Maybe you would have more luck funding your sister, if she is ok with this sort of daunting challenge. |
Anonymous
There was A LOT of good advice given in response to OP's multiple prior posts. It does not seem like that is what OP is looking for, as OP does not acknowledge nor appreciate it. One particular post that was very insightful was: "Generally, there is no lawful obligation for one adult to provide, supply, manage or pay for care, goods and services for another adult. With parents (depending on your beliefs) there may be a moral obligation to do these things, but that obligation must be weighed in context. A person is not obliged to ruin themselves, become a doormat, sign to voluntarily take on legal obligations they otherwise would not have. This is particularly true where the person who needs help has caused or substantially contributed to their condition, typically by rejecting timely suggestions and offers of more limited aid. That being said, nobody has a right to an inheritance either, and if somebody wants to run their estate into the ground to maintain control over it they have the right to do that. Waiting for the (typically inevitable) need for the person to be hospitalized and then need discharge planning, the PP’s suggestion to simply tell the discharge planner that you are not available personally or in terms of assets to contribute anything sounds cruel, and it can have a cruel impact. The question is whether that impact is the result of the non-helper’s decision or the cumulative decisions of the person in need. Typically, both are in play, but it is undeniably true that people frequently dig themselves into their own trouble. Dragging a second person down with them seems attractive, but in fact, a penurious person probably qualifies for government-funded health care and residential placement. It may not be all everybody would have wanted, but it will be something, and it leaves people who otherwise would be getting drowned in the tsunami free to try to help with extras where they can and to be a set of eyes on the caretakers. This is dreadful stuff. Very often, the person one feels an obligation to is “no longer home.” Short term therapy and mutual support groups can help us see the reality of things and be more objective. There is no benefit in being angry at the needy person. You can’t be half in (for whatever your “share” of assets is) and half out (for caretaking). You can’t control other people. There is no benefit in destroying yourself trying to meet unreasonable demands or share responsibility with people who are not going to perform. One of my parents was tired of the nursing home and hospitals. They wanted to come home and sit in their easy chair. It was this time of year. Their “plan” was completely unreasonable. They couldn’t walk, could barely stand up, we’re cycling between respiratory emergencies as their kidneys failed. There wasn’t time to get help on a moment’s notice, even if the money was there for anything but a brief respite, which it wasn’t. I promised I’d do what I could when I could. Instead, they rolled over and died that night with their best friend in the room with them. They probably wouldn’t have survived the trip home. In situations like these, the goal is to be a lifeboat, not a rescue ship, hoping when the end comes to feel that we’ve done what we could, that what we didn’t do was not within our power, and that anybody (including the committee in our head) who says otherwise is ignorant at best and a malicious liar at worst. Hope this helps. Good luck." If OP just wants to vent, then vent away. That's fine. But OP just needs to be clear that they are not seeking input nor advice and just want to complain. It will prevent others from wasting their time providing thoughtful insight which is not what OP wants. |
Anonymous
This is exactly my plan, thank you. Hard not to be angry but I get what you are saying! Thank you. |
Anonymous
That's their 'plan' and yes, I can and have said no. Not dealing with rational people tho |
Anonymous
Dad actually just needs help getting up out of a chair and out of bed. Once up, he can walk anywhere, without a walker. Right now, we are seeing if there's anything wrong with his kidneys or has a bladder infection. I won't contribute anything unless we are getting paid back out of the house sale when they pass. That's my only offer on the table financially. It has to be, otherwise they will destroy my nuclear family's financial stability. |