Baby shower and family relationships

[Anonymous]

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first baby in late summer/early fall, and SIL approached me about hosting her baby shower because I have the space and because I am not her relative (apparently her mother told her that it's tacky for a direct relative of the mother-to-be to host, but it's fine for an in-law to do so). I told her that I can't host her shower because I still don't do well with baby showers (see explanation below).

Now both my brother and SIL are upset with me. SIL said I am being dramatic and that I am selfish not to move on and not to be happy for her and my brother. She is quite upset with me, and my brother is only slightly less upset, though he didn't call me selfish.

The issue is that I am highly triggered by babies and baby showers. A little over a year ago, we lost our daughter due to a cord accident, and she was stillborn at 38 weeks. Five months ago, we lost another baby, at 18 weeks, due to Potter's Syndrome and Hydrops. My grief is still very raw for both losses, and I do not handle being around babies well at all. I'm hoping that will change a bit by the time my niece or nephew is born, but I am not there yet.

Does anyone have any advice regarding the best way to repair my relationship with SIL? I understand that it could just be hormones that are causing her to take this so personally, but I still want to repair this relationship.

Help?

[Anonymous]

This one isn’t your job to repair. Truly, those are horrific losses. If she can’t see that, she’s a jerk.


I’m sorry for your losses. I can only imagine the trauma involved. You do not need to be hosting baby showers right now. Hugs to you OP.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe they don’t understand! Can your mom do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This one isn’t your job to repair. Truly, those are horrific losses. If she can’t see that, she’s a jerk.


I’m sorry for your losses. I can only imagine the trauma involved. You do not need to be hosting baby showers right now. Hugs to you OP.

Thank you. It has been horrific. That's the perfect way to describe it. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, OP, I'm so sorry for your losses.

I don't even know what to advise. Their outrageous insensitivity is just beyond the pale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe they don’t understand! Can your mom do it?

Thank you. I wish our mom could host, but she's eight hours away.

I think one of SIL's friends should host the shower, but she claims that no one else has the space necessary.

I think it's a little weird that she is coordinating her own shower like this, but perhaps my feelings that this is weird are not fair because of how strong all of my emotions are at this time.

[Anonymous]

Oh my heart aches for you. They’re terrible for asking this of you. Truly, there is no way I can see their point of view or make an argument that this is a gray area. I agree this isn’t for you to fix. They’ll have to find someone else to host- and yes it’s weird they are involved but people are like that now. I cannot believe they are more concerned with an etiquette rule about direct family not hosting than with your feelings and comfort level. That’s the opposite of good etiquette!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my heart aches for you. They’re terrible for asking this of you. Truly, there is no way I can see their point of view or make an argument that this is a gray area. I agree this isn’t for you to fix. They’ll have to find someone else to host- and yes it’s weird they are involved but people are like that now. I cannot believe they are more concerned with an etiquette rule about direct family not hosting than with your feelings and comfort level. That’s the opposite of good etiquette!

OP here.. This just made me laugh about the etiquette of hosting vs. my comfort. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are an effing saint to even be concerned about their feelings at this point. I mean, first, and so superficially, it is incredibly tacky to ask someone to host your shower. It is not less tacky to as your in laws to host your party than to have your mama host your party. They sound tacky.

Ok, there’s that superficial level of tacky. And then there is the real level of horrible. They are crap people. Knowing your circumstances, they are horrible to ask you. They are even more horrible for being mad at you. Good lord.

So in conclusion, they are tacky and they are also horrible. You are a saint to even question your own self and aware of other people. I suspect you’re too classy and mature to tell them to eat sand, but it wouldn’t be wrong.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP.

Don’t give your “no” another thought. These people are over the top.

[Anonymous]

How are you not in jail for slapping the stew out of these two morons? You have amazing self-control.

I’m so sorry for your losses and for having to deal with such selfishness. Please don’t engage with them anymore about this. “I’ve shared why I can’t do this. Please be respectful and stop talking about it.”

[Anonymous]

Repair the relationship? This is on them to repair. Your only purpose right now to take care of yourself. Let them come to you with an apology for their rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

You work on finishing mourning and moving on. Let them go b**ch to people - the more the better - so they can get told they're being ridiculous and insensitive.

[Anonymous]

OMG they are so heartless. I am in tears reading your story and I don't even know you. What jerks. Take care of yourself and I am so sorry for your losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my heart aches for you. They’re terrible for asking this of you. Truly, there is no way I can see their point of view or make an argument that this is a gray area. I agree this isn’t for you to fix. They’ll have to find someone else to host- and yes it’s weird they are involved but people are like that now. I cannot believe they are more concerned with an etiquette rule about direct family not hosting than with your feelings and comfort level. That’s the opposite of good etiquette!

OP here.. This just made me laugh about the etiquette of hosting vs. my comfort. Thank you!

I’m glad I could make you laugh a little bit bc it really is that ridiculous! Typically for people who follow that rule (and yes, it is the rule), a friend of the grandma (mom-to-be’s mom) steps up. So grandma needs to go hitting up her friend for this favor if that’s how they plan to keep it classy. Coming to you was just behind.