Younger siblings are successful and hurt feeelings

[Anonymous]

My husband older kids are 32 and 28 and still live at home with mom. This a second marriage and we have two boys together. My kids are 26 and 22. Dh kids and their mom have some type of mental health issues growing up and the oldest is on medication and doing well. Oldest kids are a little bit jealous of my kids but overall they all get along. My husband and I encourage our kids to finish school, get a job and move out by 21. They both have done that and they are doing well. Stepkids are still at home with mom.

It's hard for my kids to understand why their siblings are living at home, calling us for cash and etc. My question is how do we help two adults become independent and leave the nest finally? My kids are confused as why their dad didn't help them to become independent earlier.

[Anonymous]

Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

[Anonymous]

Why do your kids need to understand it?

[Anonymous]

How are your kids so old but yet not capable of understanding mental illness or that not everyone is capable of doing the same things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

[Anonymous]

Having an asshole for a step mom can do a number on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

Launch means different things depending on potential. For people with disabilities, it does take longer and launching might not be living independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

Op here,

Dh doesn’t talk about his kids mental health ever. It’s like he’s in denial and will not share with younger siblings. He seems ashamed of them and his ex wife.
My kids want to understand and they are empathetic to the situation, but we have no clues what is going with step kids.

[Anonymous]

As long as they are not asking to live with you (which I would not allow), I would stay out of it.

The only expense of theirs I might be willing to pay is health insurance. Pay it directly so you know it’s getting paid. If they have a health catastrophe, is your husband going to want to pay their bills if they are insured? Maybe. So it’s better to proactively pay their health insurance.

Otherwise, pay nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having an asshole for a step mom can do a number on you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having an asshole for a step mom can do a number on you.

OP here,

Definitely not a bad stepmom. I welcome them in our house, respectful, and taught my kids to play nice all the time. My kids and I don’t fully understand their mental health because dh doesn’t share period. Not all stepmoms are evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay in you lane. They had to deal with their father and mother divorcing, your kids didn't. You husband needs to figure out things with their mother. You need to work on empathy. The mother has/had mental health issues and those kids may too. It may not be your perfect parenting that launched your kids. You may just have easier kids.

This. Plus I have a kid with mental health issues that is slow to launch. My other kids get that. How is it that your kids don’t understand this?

32 and 28 is too old to label 'slow to launch'

Op here,

Dh doesn’t talk about his kids mental health ever. It’s like he’s in denial and will not share with younger siblings. He seems ashamed of them and his ex wife.
My kids want to understand and they are empathetic to the situation, but we have no clues what is going with step kids.

It's none of their business, OP. What part of that are you not understanding? Unless your DH is giving them loads of money, it's really none of yours, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having an asshole for a step mom can do a number on you.

OP here,

Definitely not a bad stepmom. I welcome them in our house, respectful, and taught my kids to play nice all the time. My kids and I don’t fully understand their mental health because dh doesn’t share period. Not all stepmoms are evil.

You're passive aggressively seeking for people on here to tear down your DH, step kids, and your DH's ex-wife. If these mental health issues (as you call them) were so serious, maybe he shouldn't have remarried and made another family and focused on the first set of kids that clearly needed him?

So, again. This is none of your (or your kids') business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as they are not asking to live with you (which I would not allow), I would stay out of it.

The only expense of theirs I might be willing to pay is health insurance. Pay it directly so you know it’s getting paid. If they have a health catastrophe, is your husband going to want to pay their bills if they are insured? Maybe. So it’s better to proactively pay their health insurance.

Otherwise, pay nothing.

Op here,

The oldest lived with us for two years straight ten years ago and the youngest maybe six months top. It was definitely weird having two adults living with us but not working or going to school. Both of them moved back with their mom and dh and I are definitely done raising our kids. Dh and I pay for Health insurance, car payments and hand money. Step kids are currently not working and their mom is on disability. We payed child support until they were 18 and 19 years old. Also paid for college but they didn’t finish as plan.