How to get comfortable and help with the physical aspects of parents aging?

[Anonymous]

I remember visiting my grandparents in nursing homes as a kid and having such a hard time with the smell. I would sometimes vomit after the visits and I'm even feeling sick writing this now as those memories are flooding back now that my own parents are getting closer to that age and need more physical help. In the last year my father has deteriorated to the point where he can no longer bathe independently and is incontinent. My mother is his caregiver. They are very reluctant to hire help and don't trust anyone to come for even tasks like housecleaning.

I want to help. I've repeatedly offered to hire help, which would be hard for them to do financially. They turn it down. Don't want any non family members in the house. I live across the country and they didn't want me to leave my small kids and travel during covid to visit. My mom finally asked if I could come and stay for a week to give her a break. I want to say yes. I have been pushing her to take a break. But now I don't think I can physically handle my father's diapers and bathing. I feel like a horrible person. With my active gag reflex, I was worried about my own kids' diapers, but rose to that occasion. Maybe I could get used to it? But selfishly I don't want to. There's the physical reaction and also it feels sad and embarrassing for us both.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have tips? I feel like good elder care nurses and hospice workers are like angels on earth. I wish I could be helpful like that. I just don't feel equipped.

[Anonymous]

I took care of an elderly man in his last month. There was no smell other than the actual diapers themselves when you changed them. Properly cared for people don't smell. I do think men are a bit easier in some aspects- they can pee into a handheld urinal.

Bathe independently- does he have a shower chair and a hand held nozzle? Can he do that himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took care of an elderly man in his last month. There was no smell other than the actual diapers themselves when you changed them. Properly cared for people don't smell. I do think men are a bit easier in some aspects- they can pee into a handheld urinal.

Bathe independently- does he have a shower chair and a hand held nozzle? Can he do that himself?

Thank you. He has the urinal, but also needs diapers for night or when he can't access it quickly enough, I guess. I have a call with his doctor to better understand the health and care situation. I think my parents have been hiding how much he has deteriorated.

[Anonymous]

Op, for a week you can do it. You do what you have to do. Your Mother's needs outweighs, by far, any discomfort of yours. Too bad. Make it work. However, this is because you have offered and she has not taken you up on this offer (short term) Doesn't mean you ever have to do it again. They fact that they don't want "outside help" .. well, too bad. They will have to. They don't get to subject family to "magical thinking" that they get to decide re: no outside help.

In other words, do it this once without complaint or voicing objection. But no more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, for a week you can do it. You do what you have to do. Your Mother's needs outweighs, by far, any discomfort of yours. Too bad. Make it work. However, this is because you have offered and she has not taken you up on this offer (short term) Doesn't mean you ever have to do it again. They fact that they don't want "outside help" .. well, too bad. They will have to. They don't get to subject family to "magical thinking" that they get to decide re: no outside help.

In other words, do it this once without complaint or voicing objection. But no more.

Thank you for the vote of confidence and tough love. "Magical thinking" is a good way to phrase the denial that's happening.

You make a good point about doing it once but not more. I'm not sure how to put that kindly, but it's clear we need to have some tough conversations. I want to help my mom. My father was absentee most of my life, so I also need to sort through complicated feelings about that, too.

[Anonymous]

OP - If you are there for a week, I would take some time to look at area services for seniors ahead of time which might be of assistance to your folks who seem to have a limited income. Would it be helpful to your mom if they got Meals on Wheels at least a couple of times a week? Do they have any elderly friends that you could call on to see if they are using a cleaning person or service they could recommend once a month, or can you ask a neighbor ahead of time? You might contact the local Office on Agency to see if there are any programs that have a weekly phone call to seniors and/or are there any services that screen care providers you could speak with. In this scenario, it will only be a matter of time before both of them will need help. If you could pay for someone to come in and help dad bathe weekly, that might be a big load off of you mother and you could keep in touch with the person to see how things are actually going. Or while out there visiting, try to connect to one of their friends or neighbors to ask for a check in every couple of weeks with "a treat" which you could pay for.

[Anonymous]

When you talk to the doctor, be sure to ask if your father needs a "two-person lift". An adult male with low muscle tone is very very difficult to move by one person. Not to mention toileting and bathing.

Also, many nursing homes provide "respite care" for caregivers who need a break.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have answers but just wanted to say that you are not alone and you are not a horrible person. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re definitely not a bad person for having a hard time. But basically you have to suck it up. Your mom needs you. Before you go, do as much as you can to research local nursing care agencies and nursing homes. See if you can convince your mom to meet with an agency while you’re there so she can at least get regular breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you talk to the doctor, be sure to ask if your father needs a "two-person lift". An adult male with low muscle tone is very very difficult to move by one person. Not to mention toileting and bathing.

Also, many nursing homes provide "respite care" for caregivers who need a break.

+1 My emaciated father was down to about 120 lbs (he was a big man before) and it was impossible for one person to change his diaper, and still very hard for me plus my mom or sister or even all three of us to change. This was all during covid so we appreciated the abundance of masks around, and we even put essential oils on the mask to cover the smell of changing a poop diaper. It’s awful and there was some gagging at times, but we did it out of love, and we tried to give him as much dignity and respect as possible. Bless you OP, this is hard stuff.