If you grew up in a loving, secure home

[Anonymous]

If you grew up in what you consider to be a loving and secure family, did your parents ever get upset and yell at you? Do you remember seeing them fight?

[Anonymous]

Yes, from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Yes and yes.

[Anonymous]

Of course. But! They never called names or cursed at me or each other. There was zero physical violence or even threats or worries of it.

The biggest fight my parents had: my mother stormed off and left the house in her car without saying where she was going. We were the kind of family where everyone knew where everyone else was at all times. She was gone for two hours. When she came back, she went into their bedroom, closed the door and a few minutes later called me in there. On the bed she'd laid out the gifts she'd gotten my dad for his upcoming birthday. That's right - she stormed off after a fight with my father and went and bought him presents.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. I wish I had seen a good model of "fighting fair." My mom is passive and lets things stew.

[Anonymous]

Yes and yes. Often! But it never felt threatening. I never felt unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Yes, grew up in a loving home.
Yes, we got yelled at as kids. But there was never any hitting or derogatory or below the belt comments. It was never out of control.
Yes, my parents did argue. Again, never anything personal or derogatory. No cursing.

As kids (there are 6 of us), we were not allowed to hurt each other, either physically or with words. We definitely fought and got on each other’s nerves, but it was never outright mean. That would be shut down immediately.

[Anonymous]

My parents would get angry at us sometimes if we did something really bad but no yelling. It was more scolding. They never fought in front of us. I was a teen before I realized my parents did not always get along. They both came from emotionally volatile homes with a lot of alcoholism and fighting between the parents. They wanted to do better and they did.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no.

I remember a couple incidents where my mom lost it. But she never yelled hurtful things, more like “I work all day and then come home to this disaster of a kitchen! You’re part of this family and need to start acting like it!”

She and my dad did not night in front of us

[Anonymous]

Yes. There was a phase when I was pretty afraid of them getting angry, and also a phase when I thought they'd get divorced. I still always felt loved, secure they would care for me, etc.

Both we and they have better relationships now.

[Anonymous]

Sure. People are human beings. They get aggravated and yell at each other. It doesn't mean they don't love each other.

There was plenty of yelling in my house. But never a threat of physical violence. And never personal insults - there is a big difference between "You are acting dumb" and "You are dumb."

There is something to the stereotype of Italians and Jews doing a lot of yelling but loving each their families like crazy.

[Anonymous]

Yes and yes. Lots of yelling at kids for stuff like grades, messy rooms, etc. Very little fighting between parents- things like which parking space they should park in.

I really don’t get how people never yell. When someone tells me that they don’t yell at their kids, I think that they live a stepford wife existence. I’m sure I’m wrong, but it’s always my first thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and yes. Often! But it never felt threatening. I never felt unsafe.

This

[Anonymous]

Not OP but I’m finding this thread interesting and useful.

I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling but did not feel safe and loved. Some of the yelling resembles what people describe here, and my parents never cursed at us. Also, my parents never fought in front of us.

But as an adult, I now see that often my parents were yelling at us because of frustrations with each other or with adult matters that had nothing to do with us (money, work, their own mental stuff). They took it out on us and often made us the scapegoat for their anger without examining if that made sense. I think because on some level, they felt our existence was the reason for their unhappiness (how you manage to have several kids and then resent them for how much they cost or the burden they place on you is beyond me— I think they were very naive and immature when they had us).

So now I really don’t yell at my kid (and yes, I only had one for a reason). I honestly don’t get angry with her. Sometimes frustrated or annoyed, and I will express that, but by saying “I feel frustrated now because…” Not by yelling. My DH and I do sometimes argue in front of her, and on a few rare occasions this has escalated to yelling. We always seek to resolve it though, so she sees how we resolve, and we also check in with her to see how an argument like that impacted her (and sometimes her response is literally “oh I didn’t think that had anything to do with me do I stopped paying attention” which I think is healthy!).

It’s interesting to me to hear about homes where the kids got yelled at, the parents didn’t argue, but the kids felt safe and loved. I believe you, it’s just hard to imagine because of my own experience.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course to both.