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[quote=Anonymous]Not OP but I’m finding this thread interesting and useful.

I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling but did not feel safe and loved. Some of the yelling resembles what people describe here, and my parents never cursed at us. Also, my parents never fought in front of us.

But as an adult, I now see that often my parents were yelling at us because of frustrations with each other or with adult matters that had nothing to do with us (money, work, their own mental stuff). They took it out on us and often made us the scapegoat for their anger without examining if that made sense. I think because on some level, they felt our existence was the reason for their unhappiness (how you manage to have several kids and then resent them for how much they cost or the burden they place on you is beyond me— I think they were very naive and immature when they had us).

So now I really don’t yell at my kid (and yes, I only had one for a reason). I honestly don’t get angry with her. Sometimes frustrated or annoyed, and I will express that, but by saying “I feel frustrated now because…” Not by yelling. My DH and I do sometimes argue in front of her, and on a few rare occasions this has escalated to yelling. We always seek to resolve it though, so she sees how we resolve, and we also check in with her to see how an argument like that impacted her (and sometimes her response is literally “oh I didn’t think that had anything to do with me do I stopped paying attention” which I think is healthy!).

It’s interesting to me to hear about homes where the kids got yelled at, the parents didn’t argue, but the kids felt safe and loved. I believe you, it’s just hard to imagine because of my own experience.[/quote]

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