Having to explain things to wife 3 or 4 times....what is this?

[Anonymous]

58 year old spouse does not listen. E.G., explained 3 times that the damaged recycling bin needed to be left by the curve so that the county could replace it. They kept bringing it into the garage and I had to take it back out and explain again. Another example, explained that the flooring was returned by the contractor and was not in the house any longer. Said it 3 times over the course of a few days. Finally said it again, in front of the contractor and she turns and asks the contractor if that is true.
Then has said, I talk to her like she is simple and that I have a higher level of communication than she has. I'm exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:58 year old spouse does not listen. E.G., explained 3 times that the damaged recycling bin needed to be left by the curve so that the county could replace it. They kept bringing it into the garage and I had to take it back out and explain again. Another example, explained that the flooring was returned by the contractor and was not in the house any longer. Said it 3 times over the course of a few days. Finally said it again, in front of the contractor and she turns and asks the contractor if that is true.
Then has said, I talk to her like she is simple and that I have a higher level of communication than she has. I'm exhausted.

Correction, that I think I have a higher level of communication than she.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like some sort of medical issue to me. Has she been to a doctor? If not, that's where I would start.

[Anonymous]

She's gaslighting you

[Anonymous]

It could be one of two things. If this is a recent change, it could be a medical issue and she should be evaluated. If this is been going on for a long while, it could be that she does not trust your judgment. While you say you are doing things for a reason, she does not believe whatever you are doing is the correct action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be one of two things. If this is a recent change, it could be a medical issue and she should be evaluated. If this is been going on for a long while, it could be that she does not trust your judgment. While you say you are doing things for a reason, she does not believe whatever you are doing is the correct action.

+1

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s you. I had a lot of trouble following your post. I read the flooring thing a couple of times, and I still don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:58 year old spouse does not listen. E.G., explained 3 times that the damaged recycling bin needed to be left by the curve so that the county could replace it. They kept bringing it into the garage and I had to take it back out and explain again. Another example, explained that the flooring was returned by the contractor and was not in the house any longer. Said it 3 times over the course of a few days. Finally said it again, in front of the contractor and she turns and asks the contractor if that is true.
Then has said, I talk to her like she is simple and that I have a higher level of communication than she has. I'm exhausted.

Correction, that I think I have a higher level of communication than she.

OP, this is a very important question: Is this a CHANGE? Gradual, or sudden? If she has always been this way -- since you've known her, since she was much younger -- then it may be anything from basically being somewhat inattentive and in her own world all the way to something diagnosable like attention deficit disorder.

But if this is a change over time, or a sudden change, then you absolutely need to get her checked out by a doctor ASAP. It could be:

--A sign of cognitive issues, even the early onset of a dementia (dementias come in several forms and have MANY different symptoms that vary widely, so you cannot tell by guessing, it needs professional insight)

--A sign that her hearing is going bad or she even simply has excessive wax in her ears! Some people seem "forgetful" when they actually have not heard your words and/or their brains are overloaded due to hearing loss (not due to dementia). Even if they say "I can hear just fine."
"Even relatively mild hearing loss can cause cognitive overload, which means people can experience hearing-related memory loss without having moderate or severe hearing problems. In fact, you may notice your memory loss before you're aware of any reduction in your hearing function." Source: https://www.signia.net/en-us/blog/global/how-hearing-loss-affects-your-memory/
See this too: https://www.healthline.com/health-news/ear-wax-might-be-a-bigger-health-hazard-than-you-think

--A sign of depression. Distraction and inability to focus and retain what's said to you can be signs of many levels of depression from mild to severe.

--A sign that maybe your mutual communication is not actually good as you think it is. When you tell her these things, is it "on the fly" as you and she are each busy with other stuff, done in passing, mentioned casually? Or do you and she sit down and review the week's household needs face to face without distractions? My DH will tell me "I told you about X" but then I'll realize he mentioned something while he was in the next room and I was in the middle of a chore in a different room; if we make a point of speaking directly to each other we both have no problem remembering what was said. Just something to consider. Not knocking your communication skills but we can all improve in that department.

Please consider that she might need medical attention and isn't doing this on purpose, or just because she's dimmer than you are. Especially if this is a change over time, I hope you can be open to caring that she might need medical attention, even as simple as a serious ear cleaning by a doctor (at-home kits just do not do the job a doctor can), followed by cognition tests and maybe screening for attention deficit.

If you think it's frustrating for you to have to explain things repeatedly, imagine if you can how frustrating it is for her to realize things are going on and she has somehow totally missed that they're going to happen. She might get defensive or deny you told her X or Y, and that's maddening, I know. But why not talk to her at a calm time, when you have not just reminded her about something for the umpteenth time and she's not upset or defensive, and express that you're worried rather than angry with her, and want to investigate why this is happening?

[Anonymous]

Some people are auditory learners and others aren’t. Try writing it down and sending her a text instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s you. I had a lot of trouble following your post. I read the flooring thing a couple of times, and I still don’t understand.

I am exhausted and it's daylights savings time tired. The basic point is that I say things and it's as if they are not heard. Then she gets frustrated and throws up her hands in anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s you. I had a lot of trouble following your post. I read the flooring thing a couple of times, and I still don’t understand.

I am exhausted and it's daylights savings time tired. The basic point is that I say things and it's as if they are not heard. Then she gets frustrated and throws up her hands in anger.

[Anonymous]

Could be lots of things. Possibilities include (but ar not limited to):
Hearing loss
Dimentia
ADHD
She doesn’t like you so she doesn’t listen
She doesn’t believe you so she doesn’t care what you say
She’s really dumb and you’re just noticing
You don’t communicate as well as you thought
She has multiple personalities and they’re not sharing info about flooring tiles and recycling
She’s gaslighting you and doing it poorly
She’s having an affair (not sure how but that always comes up)
You’re gaslighting her
You’re having an affair (again, not sure how, but it’s often the husbands fault, and it’s often because of affairs)

[Anonymous]

Have you tried communicating in a different way? Maybe text her or leave a written note. For some reason my husband sees it as less naggy to leave a to do list than verbally say it. So I do. Sometimes if my house is loud or im distracted. I have a hard time remembering what was said.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she filters out nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried communicating in a different way? Maybe text her or leave a written note. For some reason my husband sees it as less naggy to leave a to do list than verbally say it. So I do. Sometimes if my house is loud or im distracted. I have a hard time remembering what was said.

We have a rule in our house when it comes to specific dates and times (travel, appointments, kids’ events) that if it’s not in writing via email or text, it didn’t happen. We need to have it in writing to refer back to it and update our schedules. Maybe something like that would help, like a text that you’re going to return the samples tomorrow so be sure to get one last look before they’re gone.