Feeling guilty about past PPA/PPD

[Anonymous]

Just wondering if anyone can relate. I’m newly postpartum with third baby, and it’s a big difference from my postpartum time with 2nd baby. I think I’m realizing I may have had mild PPA or PPD with 2nd. I have a lot more help this time, my mood is calmer, my expectations are lower, our family seems less stressed - it’s just so different from the situation with baby 2.

The thing I’m really thinking about is I feel very guilty about how I treated my first child (daughter) when DS2 was born. My daughter was 2.5 at the time. I was just so frustrated with her, and she was clearly traumatized by having a new sibling. I see now that her reaction was very different to how she and my son (also now 2.5) are reacting to this third baby. When 2nd baby was born, my daughter had all these regressions, was so clingy, threw tantrums. I just had so much trouble dealing with it and I did yell at her a few times and overall I see now I just expected way too much from her as a toddler. I understand now how young a 2 yo is, but at the time, I think I thought of her more like a preschooler. Like I gave her a laptop to watch a movie on while I tried to put the baby down for a nap, but she would touch the laptop and stop the movie then come into my son’s room and interrupt me putting him down, and I would get mad at her and yell at her for touching the laptop.

Anyway, I guess I’m just sort of confessing / wondering if anyone has a similar experience? My daughter is 5 now and I would say she is totally fine and happy and we have a great relationship. I just feel bad for being mean to her when she was 2/3 and I had a new baby at home. She really loves the new baby (baby 3).

[Anonymous]

My mom had PPD with my younger brother and I was older than your oldest at the time, so old enough to remember. I don't have any lasting damage or trauma from it! I do remember seeing her crying a few times and her being sort of harried/impatient but parents yell sometimes; they're only human. You were very stressed and it's understandable. I was going through a tough time (think, spouse deployment or similar) when my only child was a baby and young toddler and I will admit I was a bit snappy on occasion. I am working on being more patient, but the baby and toddler stages are not my forte and it's part of why i'm stopping at one kid. My practical solution is to lean on my village of support as much as possible.

I really wish parents yelling occasionally wasn't so pathologized as this horrifying parental abuse -- it's not "best practices" but IMO it shouldn't induce this kind of guilt.

[Anonymous]

Not everything is PPD. It sounds like you have the benefit of hindsight and clarity and have regret. Everyone in the world feels those emotions and most don’t need medication for it. If you’re concerned, get evaluated.

[Anonymous]

I had severe PPA and was pretty horrible to my parents and a dear friend. I will always feel guilty about that. I’m cringing now thinking about things I said and did.

[Anonymous]

I hit the cat when I had PPD. She’s fine. Still feel awful about it.

My dad (a great father) says that one of the amazing things about parenting is thinking about all the mistakes you made, looking at your kids, and thinking, “how the heck did they turn out so well?!”

No one gets through parenting without mistakes and regrets.

[Anonymous]

I had PPD that morphed into full blown depression after we moved across the country when DC turned 1 so I had no support system, plus I was in an abusive marriage. It took me about 5 additional years to get out of the fog. I tried so hard to be a good mom during that period, and I took a lot of parenting classes and read a lot of books, but I also made a TON of mistakes I still beat myself up over.

What helped me:

1. All the parenting classes, books, podcasts, etc. I prefer very gentle parenting methods, happy to give recommendations if needed.

2. A therapist who taught one of the classes told me that kids don’t need perfect parents, they need good enough parents. We really only need to get it right about 30-40% of the time. Which isn’t an excuse to intentionally do poorly, we can always do better, but we don’t need to beat ourselves up.

3. Some other comforting advice I got is that everyone in the family is allowed to be human - including parents. And that making mistakes and then apologizing and making it right shows kids that’s it’s okay to make mistakes in relationships, there doesn’t need to be permanent damage from a mistake, and teaches them how to repair any damage.

4. Therapy for me to help get over the guilt. I won’t lie, it’s still there, but instead of beating myself up over it I just try to make the most of every day and build my dream life and relationship with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hit the cat when I had PPD. She’s fine. Still feel awful about it.

My dad (a great father) says that one of the amazing things about parenting is thinking about all the mistakes you made, looking at your kids, and thinking, “how the heck did they turn out so well?!”

No one gets through parenting without mistakes and regrets.

Oh my mom did that too! Ha. Your post is correct.

[Anonymous]

I felt/feel the same way. I was too hard on my oldest (a combination of factors) when she was a toddler and having subsequent children confirmed this. Sometimes I think it’s strange that our society is structured in such a way that you can go from adolescence to your thirties without much interaction with children and then all of a sudden have a toddler and correctly gauge where they are in the developmental scheme. But I think admitting the wrong / the regret allows you to be gentler and more empathetic as they get older, which is important too!

[Anonymous]

you guys are too hard on yourselves. my mom was so strict with me when I was little and yelled and threw shoes in my general direction (i still laugh about this) - we're best buds now that i'm an adult. she was going through a tough spot in her marriage to my dad - once they divorced things got much better for her emotionally.

kids are resilient! Also, now you're in a better spot, so you know to do better - and there is plenty of time to be the calm, patient parent you want to be.

[Anonymous]

After a difficult delivery and watching my son be resuscitated, I remember not caring he was there and turning over and falling asleep. Another time I watched a midwife make exaggerated happy faces at him at his 4 week appointment and I remember thinking "I don't feel that way at all". I feel a little guilty about that but he doesn't seem any worse for the wear. I think he got what he needed out of me with physical contact and BFing.